I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas! :)
Tonight, I just wanted to express my loss of faith in society and other people. For those who have read my previous blogs, this will probably come as little surprise to you but it must be written.
I recently learnt what a 'quarter life crisis' is and believe that it is a partial explanation for how I've been thinking lately. According to trusty old Wikipedia, those who are going through it are diagnosed by many symptoms including the following:
- Realizing the pursuits of ones peers are useless
- Confronting their own mortality
- Watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
- insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
- insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
- insecurity regarding present accomplishments
- re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
- lack of friendships or romantic relationships
- disappointment with one's job
- nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
- tendency to hold stronger opinions
- boredom with social interactions
- loss of closeness to high school and college friends
- loneliness, depression and suicide
- desire to have children
- a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
- frustration with social skills
Now, I certainly do not suffer from all of the above but those that are felt, are felt quite strongly. I've just lost so much faith in those that I used to hold dear that I begin to wonder what kind of person that makes me. I've always believed that the people you keep close are a reflection of what kind of person you are. It's been some time now that I've realised, for the majority of situations, I do not agree with those closest. Nor do I think their actions are logical, sensible, neccessary or progressive. You then get to a point where you start to ask yourself: 'Why am I so highly regarding and keeping so close these people that I don't really have very much respect for and of whom are the last people in the world that I want to be like?' This has led me to the conclusion that it would be wrong to get upset with them for not making me a higher priority when it so blatantly obvious that our minds work in ways too different for any real firm permanent bond to form. Thus, I have decided to distance myself from them. Sure, it's not going to be easy and my pool of few friends will further deplete but I don't think there's any other way to progress. I don't know if it'll make me any happier but I'm certain that I'm not content with life as it is at the moment.
When someone wrongs you, it's natural that you distance yourself. I am completely incapable of pretending to like someone or respect someone when I can just see why they don't deserve to be. It's been a gradual thing, but I've become quite distanced from a certain someone who I used to be extremely close with. They did something mid last year which I consider to be almost a sin against a friend and she did it while purposely hiding it from my knowledge. At first, I took out my frustration on someone else because I didn't want people to think I was angry for the obvious reason. It was only after that I realised that the obvious reason was simply that; it was the obvious and true reason for my frustration. I haven't seen this person for a while but we recently were amongst the same party of people and contact was inevitable. I found myself being slighted and ignored, and responded (naturally) by being cold and disinterested. Afterwards, I regretted behaving in such a way and promised myself that the next time I bumped into this person I would make an effort to hold a proper conversation with them. I received a visit from this person not too long afterwards due to an errand completely uninvolving me. I kept my promise and tried to be as nice as I possibly could but when they spoke, everything that made me not want to be friends with this person just became so obvious that within a few minutes of conversation, I knew that I had made the right choice in distancing myself. They were in every way insulting, slighting, stubborn and self-absorbed. I kind of felt like saying: 'You know what, I really don't care.' That sounds cold and uncharacteristically mean, I know, but I just felt so bitter towards this person that I couldn't think of very much else. Those who know me well will know that I thoroughly do my research when it comes to matters concerning my future so for someone to come in with absolutely no basis for what they're saying and say that I'm wrong is a complete insult to me. (I later rechecked the point of disagreement and found that I was correct, much to my satisfaction. :D)
As the days roll on, I find myself with less and less admiration for the lives we lead. It makes getting out of bed each day just that much harder.
