Yes, it's been awhile but I just suddenly need to vent. I've been extremely moody and easily frustrated/annoyed lately so this is probably just a part of that...
Do ever get to that point where you realize that you have a friend whom you consider to be really really close yet they don't seem to see it the same way? I have a particular friend that I feel this way towards. It's not something that I've recently noticed but it kind of made itself more obvious tonight. I question this friend's logic, reason, morals and judgement all the time and have found more flaws in them than most others that I know. Yet I continue to talk to them and let them influence the choices that I make. I'm not saying that they're a bad person, it's just that I don't know whether I should be so close to someone that I don't respect as much as I initially thought I did...
I'm extremely bad at maintaining relationships with people. For example, back in high school I'd always be extremely close with whoever was in lots of classes with me one year and then the next year I wouldn't really talk to them at all. I didn't snob them off or think that I didn't need them anymore, but you just kind of... drift apart? SO, when I find myself in a close friendship with someone for a really long time, I do my best to maintain it. Now, I don't know if that's the best way to go about things, but it appears to be what I do.
This 'friend', who will remain unnamed, I have done a few favours for recently. I've gone to events with them even if I didn't want to just to keep them company and to 'be a good friend.' We used to be a lot closer and these days I can't help but just feel as though I've been completely replaced. They only seem to call or talk when they need something from me. This is the person that I've told absolutely everything to over the past few years and I'm feeling completely discarded at the moment. I asked them to attend a birthday with me tomorrow night and they managed to come up with the poorest excuses I've ever heard. I just felt so offended and insulted that I didn't even know what to say. It wasn't even an 'Oh, I'm busy...'.
Earlier today, after this friend dragged me out shopping to find something that they could've done on their own, I found out that they had purposely excluded me even when I asked them earlier if we could do something that night. They ended up doing what I had earlier suggested without me. They told me a white lie and then tried to justify why it wasn't a lie at all. Honestly, I would've appreciated the truth.
I'm just feeling so incredibly frustrated at the moment. I feel that I shouldn't keep this person so near but I have only so very few friends that are this close to me that I feel I shouldn't just let them go so easily...
It's things like this that make me lose faith in people and the kind of society we're living in. We're so preoccupied with convenience and how others can do things for us and not the other way around that in the end we're nothing more than selfish. I'm not saying that I'm not selfish but I try my best not to succumb to modern society's thinking where he who has most wins and everything should be a convenience and not an effort. Society has somehow become all about taking advantage of other people to make your own life easier. This is why I'm commonly labelled as a 'hermit.' Society just hurts too much.
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