Blinding - Florence + The Machine

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Food for thought

Honest and real

What happened to having something to say?

Where is the purpose?

What happened?

They made this all become about nothing

This life is not a business plan

We're losing hope in the world

Create something you love

Follow the formulas

What does it take?

Say what you mean, and not because someone else said it,

but because it's what you feel.

It all started with needing a distraction...

Hi all!

I hope everyone has been well and making the most of the glorious tennis!! This entry will be of a different form to my previous entries. The reason for this is that I'm currently very frustrated with myself over my need to 'chase'... I'm not sure if there's actually been any consequences yet; it could just be in my head... Yes, confusing, I know.

If any girls are reading this then they would understand what I mean when I say that I'm currently frustrated with my need to 'chase.' I acknowledged awhile ago that I have this common-female mental problem and told myself not to get attached because it usually doesn't mean anything but I can't tell if it does this time...? I feel so confused and vulnerable...

I felt like writing anyways so I'm going to just put random stuff on here about what kind of things I like, etc.

RANT ON SHOES.

I thought I'd start off with shoes. My fascination and admiration of heels have increased exponentially over the past 6 months. Peep Toe Shoes have some of the nicest shoes I've seen ever since my infatuation started... They look amazing! Here are two lovely examples:

The 'Miss Castle Hill' design

The 'Miss Dazzle' design

The disadvantages of their shoes include that the majority of them sport a painful 12cm heel and have zero flexibility in the sole. This equals UNBEARABLE PAIN and is the reason I have not yet invested in a pair. An interesting collaboration of companies has been the Melissa and Vivienne Westwood collection. They created unique and quirky designs which are definitely not for everyone but perfect for those who wish to stand out in the crowd. I have some friends who are happy owners of this design called 'Lady Dragon Love Heart':

... They're so cute!! :D

RANT ON MUSIC.

Those who know me will know that I am a music loving freak. I would like to say that I have versatile taste, ranging from classical to the occasion bit of pop and RnB to a lot of alternative/indie/punk. Here are a few of my favourite artists:

• Keith Jarrett: this jazz/classical inspired pianist performed predominately in the 80's and is the genius behind my favourite instrumental album entitled 'The Melody At Night, With You.' An incredible collection of sweet melancholy melodies, Keith Jarrett manages to express feelings so perfectly without words. Two of my favourite tracks from the album are 'Don't Ever Leave Me' and 'I'm Through With Love'. Having said that and scanning through the album, I love each melody so much! Everyone should give this album a listen!
• Alicia Keys: my main inspiration to play piano for as long as I did. Brimming with so much pure talent and gift, Alicia Keys is a representation of what I believe RnB should truly be about. Her first album, 'Songs in A Minor', consisted of snippets of her talent and versatility. A brilliant album with strong soul and jazz influences yet I found it not to work as well as the albums that came after it as a whole. 'The Diary Of Alicia Keys' was a classic RnB album. Full of tales of yearning and love, it had a consistent feel and was the album I'd listen to before I went to bed for well over a year. Her Unplugged album kept fans happy as they waited anxiously for a new record. Her rendition of 'Wild Horses' was simply amazing and never seems to receive the credit it deserves. 'As I Am' had an extremely un-Alicia-Keys feel to it (with the exception, perhaps, of 'No One'); the piano wasn't as prominent and it had a very 'trying-to-break-into-mainstream' feel about it. Her latest album 'The Element of Freedom' is really quite amazing. Powerful and uplifting, the first time I listened to it in full I couldn't help but think this was the album I had waited for from her since the beginning. Wonderful.
• The Vines: my favourite band because last.fm says so. A brilliant mashup of garage and psychedelic rock, these guys always have me on my feet and swaying my arms around in the air like a hippie. Yes, their fourth album 'Melodia' was disastrous but their other three albums are pure genius.
• Tegan and Sara: my current favourite alternative/indie artists. I'm just so jealous of their talent. Anyone who hasn't listened to them really should. Unusual at first but strangely addictive... and before you know it, you've got a minor obsession with them... which then grows into something that takes over your mind and you just can't stop listening to them. I also really love the shoes they've released through skate brand 'Macbeth'.

I was going to include a rant on tv shows because I've lately spent a lot of time with my television and have rediscovered my love for random shows but I'm getting really sleepy (it's 1:44am)... I will write another entry soon when I don't feel so sleepy and when I'm feeling more like me again. Take care!

'I'm gonna make it by any means, I've got a pocket full of dreams...'

It all started with something someone said...

Hi friends!

Here I am in bed, on my trusty Macbook Pro (MAC > PC) at 2:33am. Why? I just felt the need to write. In case anyone was wondering, nothing has changed since my previous entries and that's still how I feel. I've been having a fairly comfortable break from the hectic schedule of uni by keeping to myself and being typically 'hermit-ish.'

Tonight's entry is sparked by something an acquaintance said. This person is not a close friend. We met through a mutual friend. We have been talking a lot lately compared to how much we have been during our two year acquaintance. Anyway, I recently noticed how much this person obeys the orders of others. By this I don't mean when someone asks them to get them a drink or drive them somewhere. I'm talking about how to think, who they're allowed to talk to, what music they listen to, etc. which is not usually something that should be defined by others. For example, I asked them if they listened to a particular band and they replied saying, 'No, because so-and-so refuses to give me that band's albums.' On another occasion, they met someone at a gathering and was 'interested' in them. They were later told that they shouldn't get to know this person better with no given reason and they obeyed. This really got me thinking... because this particular person is just so nice, funny, easy-going and awesome, it seemed odd that they had this (for lack of a better word) flaw in their personality.

I started thinking about how we're unknowingly forced to follow the demands and live upto the expectations of society and our peers. I studied a subject at uni last semester called 'Introduction to Political Ideas' that detailed many schools of thought and their application to politics. The schools of thought studied included: communism, socialism, ecologism, liberalism, marxism, anarchism, nationalism and feminism. Even though I studied their ways of thinking, I never really saw myself leaning towards one more than another. Some days I would feel more like a feminist, others an ecologist. It wasn't until that acquaintance made those comments that I realised how much of a liberalist I am. Liberalists believe that in order to reach one's potential, one should be free from the expectations of the government and society. Just because one person's way of life works for them doesn't mean that it will work for everyone else. By conforming to the path that society paves for us, we cannot fully develop our minds and think 'outside the box' to reach our full potential. While liberalists think that the government should be feared because they exercise too much control over the masses because of all the laws that put in place, your peers are even more dangerous because humans usually have an innate need to be accepted. In order to be accepted into a group of friends or even society, you have to conform. You must dress a certain way, think a certain way, behave a certain way. This limits your personal development. By succumbing to your need of being accepted, you are unable to become who you truly want to be.

I always try to suppress a laugh when I see someone copying someone else in order to be friends with them. The worst reason to do or not do something is because of what someone else will think. It's the same thing when it comes to opinions. I will conclude tonight's entry with a quote from a song by a band called 'The Rocket Summer:'

"Do you even know what you're even saying? Or are you just saying it because someone else said it?"

It all started with learning what a quarter life crisis is...

Hello all!

I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas! :)

Tonight, I just wanted to express my loss of faith in society and other people. For those who have read my previous blogs, this will probably come as little surprise to you but it must be written.

I recently learnt what a 'quarter life crisis' is and believe that it is a partial explanation for how I've been thinking lately. According to trusty old Wikipedia, those who are going through it are diagnosed by many symptoms including the following:

• Realizing the pursuits of ones peers are useless
• Confronting their own mortality
• Watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
• insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
• insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• lack of friendships or romantic relationships
• disappointment with one's job
• nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• loss of closeness to high school and college friends
• loneliness, depression and suicide
• desire to have children
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
• frustration with social skills

Now, I certainly do not suffer from all of the above but those that are felt, are felt quite strongly. I've just lost so much faith in those that I used to hold dear that I begin to wonder what kind of person that makes me. I've always believed that the people you keep close are a reflection of what kind of person you are. It's been some time now that I've realised, for the majority of situations, I do not agree with those closest. Nor do I think their actions are logical, sensible, neccessary or progressive. You then get to a point where you start to ask yourself: 'Why am I so highly regarding and keeping so close these people that I don't really have very much respect for and of whom are the last people in the world that I want to be like?' This has led me to the conclusion that it would be wrong to get upset with them for not making me a higher priority when it so blatantly obvious that our minds work in ways too different for any real firm permanent bond to form. Thus, I have decided to distance myself from them. Sure, it's not going to be easy and my pool of few friends will further deplete but I don't think there's any other way to progress. I don't know if it'll make me any happier but I'm certain that I'm not content with life as it is at the moment.

When someone wrongs you, it's natural that you distance yourself. I am completely incapable of pretending to like someone or respect someone when I can just see why they don't deserve to be. It's been a gradual thing, but I've become quite distanced from a certain someone who I used to be extremely close with. They did something mid last year which I consider to be almost a sin against a friend and she did it while purposely hiding it from my knowledge. At first, I took out my frustration on someone else because I didn't want people to think I was angry for the obvious reason. It was only after that I realised that the obvious reason was simply that; it was the obvious and true reason for my frustration. I haven't seen this person for a while but we recently were amongst the same party of people and contact was inevitable. I found myself being slighted and ignored, and responded (naturally) by being cold and disinterested. Afterwards, I regretted behaving in such a way and promised myself that the next time I bumped into this person I would make an effort to hold a proper conversation with them. I received a visit from this person not too long afterwards due to an errand completely uninvolving me. I kept my promise and tried to be as nice as I possibly could but when they spoke, everything that made me not want to be friends with this person just became so obvious that within a few minutes of conversation, I knew that I had made the right choice in distancing myself. They were in every way insulting, slighting, stubborn and self-absorbed. I kind of felt like saying: 'You know what, I really don't care.' That sounds cold and uncharacteristically mean, I know, but I just felt so bitter towards this person that I couldn't think of very much else. Those who know me well will know that I thoroughly do my research when it comes to matters concerning my future so for someone to come in with absolutely no basis for what they're saying and say that I'm wrong is a complete insult to me. (I later rechecked the point of disagreement and found that I was correct, much to my satisfaction. :D)

As the days roll on, I find myself with less and less admiration for the lives we lead. It makes getting out of bed each day just that much harder.

It all started so long ago that I was in the middle before I was aware that I was so...

Hello friends!

Yes, it's been awhile but I just suddenly need to vent. I've been extremely moody and easily frustrated/annoyed lately so this is probably just a part of that...

Do ever get to that point where you realize that you have a friend whom you consider to be really really close yet they don't seem to see it the same way? I have a particular friend that I feel this way towards. It's not something that I've recently noticed but it kind of made itself more obvious tonight. I question this friend's logic, reason, morals and judgement all the time and have found more flaws in them than most others that I know. Yet I continue to talk to them and let them influence the choices that I make. I'm not saying that they're a bad person, it's just that I don't know whether I should be so close to someone that I don't respect as much as I initially thought I did...

I'm extremely bad at maintaining relationships with people. For example, back in high school I'd always be extremely close with whoever was in lots of classes with me one year and then the next year I wouldn't really talk to them at all. I didn't snob them off or think that I didn't need them anymore, but you just kind of... drift apart? SO, when I find myself in a close friendship with someone for a really long time, I do my best to maintain it. Now, I don't know if that's the best way to go about things, but it appears to be what I do.

This 'friend', who will remain unnamed, I have done a few favours for recently. I've gone to events with them even if I didn't want to just to keep them company and to 'be a good friend.' We used to be a lot closer and these days I can't help but just feel as though I've been completely replaced. They only seem to call or talk when they need something from me. This is the person that I've told absolutely everything to over the past few years and I'm feeling completely discarded at the moment. I asked them to attend a birthday with me tomorrow night and they managed to come up with the poorest excuses I've ever heard. I just felt so offended and insulted that I didn't even know what to say. It wasn't even an 'Oh, I'm busy...'.

Earlier today, after this friend dragged me out shopping to find something that they could've done on their own, I found out that they had purposely excluded me even when I asked them earlier if we could do something that night. They ended up doing what I had earlier suggested without me. They told me a white lie and then tried to justify why it wasn't a lie at all. Honestly, I would've appreciated the truth.

I'm just feeling so incredibly frustrated at the moment. I feel that I shouldn't keep this person so near but I have only so very few friends that are this close to me that I feel I shouldn't just let them go so easily...

It's things like this that make me lose faith in people and the kind of society we're living in. We're so preoccupied with convenience and how others can do things for us and not the other way around that in the end we're nothing more than selfish. I'm not saying that I'm not selfish but I try my best not to succumb to modern society's thinking where he who has most wins and everything should be a convenience and not an effort. Society has somehow become all about taking advantage of other people to make your own life easier. This is why I'm commonly labelled as a 'hermit.' Society just hurts too much.

It all started with some friends...

Hello friends.

This is my late addition to the last blog during which time I realised that I don't even know what to say about it. Life's too short to stay angry with people. Plus being angry requires too much energy and brain-space that should otherwise be used for more useful things.

Short and sweet for today. Goodnight! :)