i found the courage to approach you for a hug today. it wasn't even a proper hug. i was juggling so many things that it ended up as a semi-hug. either way, you were soft and warm. i told you that you smelt really good. i wasn't lying.
then the moment was rather destroyed by the pretty girl in our class, who swung her arms around your neck and gave you the hug that i should've. i turned my face and walked away. you see, it's quite funny. that's usually my role. i restrain myself around you because i don't want to look like a fool. when you started talking to her, i left you alone and walked off to my seat. i'm polite like that.
i felt happy at first because i thought you might've been happy to see me. i felt annoyed at the girl for stealing seconds away from time i would've spent with you. i didn't care that it probably would've only been another 20 or so. she ruined the moment.
but then i realised something. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry about it. i realised that i probably ruined your moment with her. she's really pretty. extraordinarily so, in fact. you saw her and were walking towards her, when you were interrupted by me calling your name. you probably didn't want that hug from me, you were looking forward to the one she was going to give you. but no, i had to choose that moment. you were probably cursing me in your head, wondering how this would affect your chances with the pretty girl. it all makes so much sense now.
after the exam, you didn't even speak to me even though we walked together in the same group. i can excuse you for that, i was walking with my friend and i'm sure we were chatting away. but then i saw her again. you two walked out of the building together. guess it didn't matter what happened to me, just another person in the crowd to you.
i don't know what to say now. it'd be a lie to say that i didn't think this was going to happen. you were always too good for me. i've done nothing in my life to deserve you.
i don't hate you. i don't harbour bad feelings against you despite the way i'm feeling now. my eyes watered up while writing this post. can you believe that? i have never cried over a guy before, much less a guy that didn't even do any thing to consciously hurt me. i guess that's just how much i like you.
here's the sad thing: i'm probably going to still like you, even though my chances are slim at very best. i'll hold it all in, cross my fingers and hope for what seems impossible.
i'm not going to see you for a month and a half now. that's a long time. a long time in which many things can happen.
i really like you. i really do. it's been a very long time since i've felt this determined and attached to someone. it's been so long that i didn't think myself capable of it anymore. that the feeling had died within me during those darker days i used to have. you came along and made me smile. you made me believe that there are people in world who are good, who deserve to be treated well and don't just drag everyone around them down. you gave me a glimpse of the optimistic version of myself that i thought had been dragged through dirt and lost by people who weren't very nice. i think i'm starting to find her again.
i know that i don't look like a supermodel. i know i'm rounder than i should be, that i don't dress up or wear a face of makeup. i don't make my hair look nice everyday. i can't compete with girls who look perfect. God didn't give me any of that. but he did give me the will to love unconditionally those that i feel are deserving of my affection. he gave me the ability to put on a smile and make the people around me laugh regardless of how broken and upset i feel inside. i'd like to think those qualities should be of greater value than being able to look amazing in a short skirt.
you're a real diamond. it's a shame that i can't find the courage to let you know.
i wish i could give you up but i know i can't. i know i'm going to lose and that it's going to be a blow to my dignity, but i think i'm going to choose to go down fighting. it's not over till it's over.
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