reflections : day 1 cont.

i am going to write until i have nothing left to say. or until i fall asleep.

it doesn't make any sense to me how you could miss me that much only 10 days ago, and now you don't even care? unless you never missed me at all? but i was so sure that you did. i was so sure. i could see it in your eyes when we spoke; unless it was a trick of the screen? it was a constant stream of messages from you whenever you had wifi. and i thought, this is it. he's finally going to realise it. he's finally going to see that i'm what he wants. that 10 days away from me was already too much. that i'm the rightful end game here.

i honestly believed that. with all of my silly heart, i believed it. and it made me happy. i remember feeling so happy. there was the light at the end of the tunnel. that maybe there was a reason for all this suffering. for all the tears. the anxiety. the sleepless nights. the nightmares. that my instincts, as shaky as they had started to become, might be right after all. that persistence was going to pay off. because he was finally seeing eye to eye with me.

i thought telling our closest friends would help confirm things in your head about us. they were all encouraging, and could see this going beyond what we had so far allowed it to be.

but something changed. something changed very suddenly. in the space of 10 days, you went and completely changed. i honestly don't know what happened. i guess i never will.

----------------------------------------

i hope this hurts more than you think it will. i hope it hurts more than those times in the past when we stopped speaking. i hope you think of how happy you were, and how you threw it all away. i hope you think of me when you eat, because it reminds you of our food adventures. i hope you think of me when you wear your shirts, because you've seen me wearing them and nothing else. i hope you think of me every time you sit on that couch, because it was where we first undressed each other, explored every inch of the other's body and fell asleep in each other's arms, remembering that you'll never have me like that again. everything you associate with yourself will now be tainted in association with me, because we really were that similar. even her car, if you ever see it again, should remind you of that night we spent half naked and messing around in the back seat in an empty parking lot. i don't think you've thought this through or maybe you have. everything is going to hurt for you. everything. you will have to see me every day and know you can't have me. and that's what makes it worse. you know exactly what it's like to have me, all of me. and now i'm gone. and it's your fault. don't think that i will be the same. trust me, i'll be fine. as i always say to you, i know i'll be fine because i always am. but i know you're not as strong as me. and this will all haunt you. and i'm glad.

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i am tired. so tired from thinking about this. so tired of everything. not upset. not angry. just tired. because one person should not have so many thoughts running through their head at the one time.

reflections : day 1.

so much has happened and i don't feel like words can express it all, but i want this to be documented, because i think there are very few times in life where your emotions run this high and it's a waste to not write it down. my writing has gone down the drain over the past year or so, which i really regret. this is amazing stimulus for creation but i just don't have the skills these days...

when the first emotion you feel is relief, what does that say about the relationship that just ended? that you finally feel like you can be yourself again. that a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. what does that say about the relationship? i guess i was too caught up in things. i ignored the occasional passing thought of 'who are you, and what have have you become?' i genuinely felt like i had lost a part of me these past few months. that i didn't know who was staring back at me every time i looked in the mirror. it made me feel afraid. i didn't like this version of me that lied to family and friends. i didn't like keeping these secrets to myself. i didn't like keeping these emotions to myself. i felt so vulnerable and alone.

i felt like a compromised version of myself. something i vowed never to be. i couldn't speak my mind. i felt so trapped.

i gave him everything. i gave him everything that was within my power to give. he'd take it and then come back for more. and in the end, i didn't have anything else to offer. this is me. and this is all that will ever be of me. under normal circumstances, i think it would've been more than enough. but right now, it just wasn't. he kept looking in a direction i couldn't take him in, he kept looking at the past. no matter how much i begged and cried, he turned a blind eye and refused to see me. this is what happens when you fall for the idea of a person, rather than the person themselves. and i think that's what happened for him. i am a person, and once he could see that, i don't think he wanted me anymore.

a lot of things don't make sense. a lot still feels raw, which is why i want to write. how can you want someone so much for so long, know everything about them, know they make you happy, know you care for them, but still abandon them? knowing that they are doing everything they can to try to make you happy?

how do you run back to a past that you willingly walked away from because it made you so unhappy?

how did you abandon me and not seem to feel anything? you say you didn't use me, but i see now that you did. you say you care, but i see now that you didn't. don't try to feed me these lies anymore, because we both know i can read you better than you can read yourself. why did it surprise you that i can tell when you're sad? it's human nature to feel sadness from the people around you. is it because she could never see it? or maybe she ignored it? this is what you're running back to. and i'm what you've thrown away.

no. i don't think that's the right way to put it. i'm glad you ended this. i had spent days in my bed, eyes swollen from tears, not talking to you. and it was in those moments of seemingly endless abyss that i finally saw clarity. when the tears stopped, i felt like i was sane for the first time in months. and i realised i was unhappy. i don't even know how long i'd been unhappy for. but it was enough to feel relief just from not communicating with you for a few days.

i wanted to end it. i wanted to so badly. but don't get me wrong. my reasons are not what you think. it was not because i didn't think we could be happy together. no. i thought we could've been really happy together, because there are very very few people you meet in life that seem to just understand you from the foundation up. i wanted to end it because i was fighting a battle on my own, when you really should've been by my side. i didn't need all of you, i just needed some part of you to say that you wanted me to stay. that despite this confusion, a part of you still saw me at the finish line. even just a little part of you would've been enough for me to push on. but you never did say that. you never did say that you might regret losing what we have now. you never said you'd miss being this happy with me. you never said you'd miss my lips on yours, or my hair running through your fingertips, or the smell of me on your bedsheets in the morning. you never said any of that. you never showed an ounce that you even cared. you never considered how hard it is for me to stand there listening to you say how much you miss someone else. you never thought about how hurt my feelings were when you threw all my help and advice away. you never tried to see through my smiles and laughter to see how many sleepless and tear-filled nights i had because of this. but i bit my tongue and persisted, because i really did think you were worth it all at the end. i really did think that you would eventually come to your senses. because i knew i wasn't alone in how i thought. but i guess we were all just giving you too much credit.

sure. so maybe you didn't care enough about me to tell me these things, or maybe you just don't feel them at all. you probably don't. okay. sure. despite how weak and vulnerable i felt, despite how unhealthy this all felt, i refused to throw in the towel because i wanted this to be a difficult decision for you. i wanted this to be a painful decision that you would consciously have to make. i didn't want to give you the easy way out by ending it myself. i wanted to force your hand on this. i purposely left it to you to say. i want it to be something you look back and regret choosing to do.

it's really disappointing that you couldn't even try, you know? and you know that you never tried. you would sit and whine about how confused you are, but honestly, did you ever really try to sort out the confusion? did you ever give yourself a chance to let it go? this was something you wanted. you set this wheel in motion. we both know i didn't feel anything when i got involved in this. but let's not get started with the blame game here. it's just disappointing that you didn't try to move on despite your original sentiment of how much you wanted to. do you remember me trying to convince you to not end things to begin with? do you remember that? and how adamant you were that things just weren't working and that it had been a long time coming? yeah. i remember it. i remember practically begging you to reconsider, because this damage cannot be undone. do you remember the weeks afterwards, how much i worried about you? how often i would ask how you're feeling? remember how you said you felt like a changed person, a free person, only two weeks after it all happened? no, i guess you don't remember any of it now. because you only see, hear and remember what you want, and that's been a very difficult lesson for me to learn.

it's really quite sad to hear your perspective on the situation now. it really is. not only do you only consider yourself, but you're twisting the facts in your head. you're starting to believe your own lies. never did you say how much she was feeling. never did you say how i was feeling. it was all about you. sure, you need to figure out what you want but remember that you're not the only person in this world. and your actions do have consequences that affect those around you. did you ever think how much it hurt me every time you would say you just want to keep me as a friend? did you ever really think about it? that's the last thing that would be preserved from what has occurred between us, and it baffles me still that you can't see that. this friendship was finished the moment that we moved beyond it. there is no saving this friendship. it hurt that that's all you could think about when you considered your options. you can't have both of us. you just can't. even if it could happen, me as a friend won't be like me as i am now. and i almost hate you for not being able to see that.

this entire post sounds so selfish, i know. it's all about how i feel. it's all about how you never thought about me. it's self-centred. but you know what, i've had all of this and more bottled up for the past few months and i could never say anything to you about it, so here it all is now.

you could've made me happy, you know. we could've made each other really happy. with me, what you see is what you get, and things don't change. there is no honeymoon stage. this is my personality and this is who i am.

but you know what? i deserve better than this. i deserve better than some guy i have to sit and convince to stay with me. i deserve better than a guy who says he misses being with me one week, and then carelessly throws me away the next. i'm worth so much more than that. and i love and respect myself enough to know that i'm going to be more than fine without you. i don't sit here typing this in tears. i sit here with a smirk on my face knowing that you've made the wrong decision and i hope that you're reminded of it every day.

jimmy.

I have this friend that I used to be pretty tight with. I met him and his friends when I was 15, and they had all just graduated from high school. I used to hang out and go to gigs with them a lot despite being a bit younger, so we were all pretty close. He and I haven't really spoken that much in the last few years (nothing to blame but busy schedules and life), but I receive sporadic messages from him every 6 months or so if one of our favourite artists has released a new song/album/comes to town. It's really cool to have a friend that is into the same music that you are.

Anyway, the last time I heard from him was about Andrew McMahon's new album some months ago. I randomly received a message from him just then:

'At jimmy eat world.'
'What.'
'Are you?'
'No! D:  Dammit, I missed them again??'
'I'll call you for this heaven song. If they play it. It's futures 10 year anniversary.'
'Yes please! My faaave!'
'I knew it.'


It's interesting when you realise that some things never change.
Currently feeling really glad that this guy is (was?) a part of my life and for all those times we got together to dance like crazy or to stuff our faces with mexicrinkles.

snippets.

• this writer: i think she's fairly amazing. i can relate to both pieces a lot. some sentiments expressed in the second are just... perfect. those last two paragraphs.

1.  Hush.
2. I Will Never Love You As Much As I Love Books.

• exams this morning sucked.


• 10 days of almost complete isolation from the outside world has given me more inner peace and calm than i've felt in a really long time. i feel happy. 


• the moment when a friend smiles at you and you realise that they might just be the most beautiful person you've ever known.


• you can't pretend to be someone you're not. or you can, but it might lead to sporadic emotional breakdowns.


• that tea tree oil i've been sampling is to blame for the recently appearing funny lumps on my forehead. i think. reverted back to snail bee essence and they're going away. snail slime, i'll never doubt you again.


• attention does not equal friendship, but loyalty and emotional support do. thank you to that girl that loves me even when i don't deserve it. who realises when i'm a mess and doesn't judge but holds my hand instead. thank you for knowing what to say and do when i'm a step away from the tracks. thank you for the hugs. thanks for telling me i have a great butt. thank you for being an amazing source of emotional strength, even if you don't realise it. i'll never let anyone question you again. 


• 2014 was meant to be my year. academically it's been an absolute failure. but emotionally it's been an amazing adventure of self-discovery. still two months to go. 


• lies destroy friendships. simple.


• green tea mango mantra wasn't that great.


• i'm sorry if you got even a tiny bit emotionally attached. it wasn't meant to be like this. it was meant to be nothing or everything, and if anyone ended up hurt and/or confused it was supposed to be me. it's unfortunate that other parties became involved. you sported my favourite look (though the red was a bit much), and i couldn't stop staring, but your scathing glances hurt every time we made eye contact. i hope you don't think i'm a terrible person, and that you ignore what they say. you barely know me. it's just been confusing. i wish it wasn't like this. i wish we knew each other better. i wish it was more than just expected courtesies in the corridor. i'm really sorry. i hope you'll still take me away with you when this is all over. you promised.


• sometimes you have to be selfish for your own health.


• i need to try a magic next time at vincents.


• i guess i like affection, but all those kisses were a bit overwhelming.


• to the champ who understands what i need to hear when my outlook is stained. there's a reason why i feel you're a kindred spirit. thank you for holding me even though you hate doing it. i was surprised by your strength, warmth and profound understanding. i love you more than i can understand. we'll definitely try the mysterious pineapple next time.

the game

The poems and movies tell you that it’ll all just click and fall into place as soon as you feel those butterflies.  Your best friend uncontrollably crying in your arms after another boy breaks her heart tells you otherwise.  It tells you that this game hurts, that there is no way to play without taking damage.  People will say and do nice things in the spur of the moment, little knowing how long it will haunt the person on the receiving end.  And yes, nice things can haunt you.  They torture you in those quiet moments before you fall asleep.  It gets worse because there are no answers to the countless questions you formulate in the darkness.  You can yearn for those moments but they are long gone. You can’t have them back. 

Don’t try to replicate them.  It won’t work.  Don’t let your imagination build new ones.  That will do nothing but lay the brick foundation of your new internal prison. 

Just get through it with the faith that the click is still to come.

cough cough cough

Gah!

I'm sick again! Curse you, weak immune system! *shakes angry fist*
Yeah, so, I've been basically bedridden for 3 days but it's all blurred together and feels like only half a day. It's very odd. I'm dizzy after standing up or walking around for short periods of time. My abdominals really hurt from coughing so much. I've had two proper meals in the last 72 hours because eating seems so repulsive right now. It's been fun.

I thought I'd quickly put something together while waiting for season 2 of Skins to download.

The ball was really fun last week! I was tipsy for most of the thing and then pretty drunk for the after party. Not my proudest night ever, but I was going to stay in the city anyway so it was very much a 'let's just go all out' mentality. I'm glad my friend and I let loose because we had a lot of fun. Maybe it's because I'm a bit older now, but I can understand why people find it so addictive to go out every weekend. I never really got my head around it when I was younger, or maybe I was just hanging out with the wrong people. If it weren't for the exhaustion the next day, I'd probably be out there more often because I really did have a fun time with the uni kids.

I never used to understand why my friend enjoyed the shallow compliments and caresses of men she had just met. I had always attributed it to her low self-esteem, which I still believe. One night we were travelling, and she suddenly turned to me and asked if we could go clubbing. I've never been a fan of it (it's really too loud, everyone is all sweaty, strangers touch me; it's just not a good environment) but I didn't want to disappoint her, so I agreed to go. She was really pleased and told me that she wanted to go out and have boys tell her that she was pretty. This was really puzzling to me, as I'd never really had such a desire. Sure, it's nice when someone tells you that you're cute or pretty, but surely she knows that these guys in clubs are only after one thing and they'll express a lot of compliments they don't mean to get it, right? I don't think getting compliments from men are that big of a deal. Because when you really think about it, what's so flattering about being told a bunch of lies? I don't understand.

However, I'm slowly coming to understand the physical side of things. Or maybe I've just been away from the game too long and couldn't remember what it felt like. If I'm honest with myself, the last guys I dated (who seem like an eternity ago anyway) were not the best choices, and my feelings for them were lukewarm at most.  But there's something almost addictive about being held in someone's arms. A feeling of calm and security. Maybe it felt that way because I was tipsy, or because I've been attracted to the involved party for a while, but there's something about it I can't explain. I'm not the type to let men touch me unless they're good friends, but I suppose my partiality for this one made him an exception. It wasn't quite the same as being hugged by a male friend. It felt different and I don't know how to put it into words. It felt safe, like if I could've melted into one with this person at that moment then I would have done so gladly. And it was a simple combination of my arms around his neck, his arms wrapped around my waist and our bodies close together, but something strangely felt right. Now I can sort of understand why my friend goes out every weekend looking for some stranger to take her home and hold her through the night. I think it's for that comfort of knowing there's this other person here with you, so closely entwined, in a moment where the world around you seems so irrelevant and obsolete.

i am a wallflower.

Hi everyone!

Yes, I know. It's been a super long time since I've written. It's terrible, I know. Time just slips through my fingers these days and I just cannot find time to write.  But I'm determined to get back to it. I hope everyone has been well!

This is the first time in a while that I really felt like I needed to vent, and venting through writing is the only method that I think helps.  Lately I've been feeling a bit out of place. Yes, I know. I go through these stages every now and then. But I really did feel out of place. I had all these conflicting ideals and should-do's, and it made me really confused about who I believed myself to be.

It's no secret that I don't like spending time with lots of people. I've never felt the need to gain the approval of strangers. To some degree, I think new people scare me, but for the most I'd like to think that I simply don't care about what they think of me, because their opinion of me is none of my business. Yet, sometimes I feel like I should make an effort to make these people like me. I don't know whether that's because social protocol condemns introverts or because it's human nature, but it made me feel really uncomfortable for a while. And I felt really alone. Not lonely. Just alone.

I am an extreme introvert. I don't like being in rooms filled with strangers because it means that I have to talk to them. I don't have problems socialising, I know that I can do it well, I just don't like doing it very much.  I think that's very different from being 'socially-retarded'.

One day after school, I just felt really insecure. And I genuinely felt like there was something wrong with me. That how I behaved wasn't normal. That how I chose to interact with the world and people wasn't right. I think I started to panic a bit.

I know I'm an introvert so I started with that. It appears that how I feel is normal for people under the same umbrella. What I didn't like was how the articles that I read would say that being an introvert is okay, they would hint in the opposite direction (sorry, all my eloquence has gone out the window due to the lack of writing lately). It was like wearing an ugly dress and having people say to you 'oh, the colour is quite pretty...' 'at least the fabric looks to be of good quality!' when all they're really thinking is 'that's so ugly, but i'll try to find something nice to say to make her feel better.' The articles would go on-and-on about how introverts have higher chances of being financially successful and how they are better employers than their talkative counterparts, but it all ended up being some mediocre way of saying 'Here are the benefits of being socially inept.' So, reading those articles made me feel better because I knew I wasn't alone but it made me feel bad as well because I felt like I had just labelled myself as a social outcast.

I hope no one misunderstands this. I don't hate people and I don't like it when people dislike me. But at the same time, I don't put extra effort into making people like me. I am what I am and people are either going to accept that or they don't and that's up to them.

In the end, I just reminded myself of what I promised myself to always be. I never want to be someone that I don't want to be. I never want to look at myself and feel that, somewhere along the track, I lost myself.

I just finished reading a book called 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' about 30 minutes ago.  I read it in less than a day. Let me just say that even though I know the characters are fictional, I've never understood a character more. He just felt like me in a lot of ways. He was a wallflower. I can't explain it all too well as I'm still letting the effect of the book sink in, but if you've read it, I think you'll know what I mean by that.

I am a wallflower. And there's nothing wrong with that.

There are moments when I lapse and lose sight of who I am because of the pressure of the society and culture around me. I know that people think I'm strange because I prefer reading a good book to a night out and that I'm 22 without a partner. I suppose it doesn't matter to me what they think. I don't do things unless they feel right. I think that's a more important reason to do something than because you feel pressured to by your environment.

Listen to music that makes your heart stop. Read something that makes you pause and think.  What does this will be different for everyone and it's something that you should accept.

I'm sorry that the writing in this post is so horrible and all over the place. I can't organise my thoughts all that well these days. I guess what I was trying to say was that I felt out of place then realised that feeling like that is okay and that I love being me and being me should be the most important thing. I don't know.

Maybe I just wanted to write something.

I hope you're all well. Hopefully the time between this post and the next won't be as long as the previous.

xx

i wasn't supposed to fall for you.

love letters.

sometimes, i think it'd be really cute if a guy wrote me a love letter. i'd say that'd be a good way to win me over. it's probably the only lovey-dovey path... i dislike the idea of anyone writing me a song or poem. but a letter, i think, would be rather perfect.

i want to see your heart on paper. i want to see what words you use, how you manage the syntax. i want to feel every word like it couldn't be any purer if it came straight from your arteries and veins. it would make me tremble and leave me breathless with my heart pounding in my ears. let it be something that i can revisit endlessly and still feel every syllable of your thoughts. 

write me a letter like that and i will surely fall.

would you stay?

sigh. well, i didn't follow the plan. i was meant to say how i felt on tuesday, but i couldn't do it. it didn't feel like the right time. i really do feel like the feeling is mutual sometimes. it's so strange. but i keep thinking to myself that there is a limit to how hard to can hint and tell someone how you feel without saying anything at all. there have been so many moments during this whole journey where i've wanted to just leave it, but in the end something always made me stay. i wish i knew why.

smell

i can smell you on my skin for hours afterwards, even though i only sat next to you.

i'm so confused. sometimes i feel like you're trying to tell me something. but it could all just be in my head... i don't know.

the mere memory of your scent makes my heart beat faster. it's strange how you have that effect on me.

it's what you don't say.

sometimes it's the things you don't say that hurt the most. it's when you don't say hi or ask how i am. it's when you ignore me, little knowing how much i've thought about you for fortnight and had imagined the moment when i'd see you again.  every time you regard me as some insignificant detail in your life, it tears my heart in two. now all i have is scattered pieces of something that used to be precious.

when words express exactly how you feel.

it's so weird when you read something that describes so perfectly how you feel. when it says it with greater accuracy than you could ever imagine yourself or anybody else to write. i came across this on a blog and i knew it was one of those moments.

"It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you have known forever don’t see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories, but find yourself moving on."

it's sad that people change. it's a sad thing in itself that i'm saying such.

you grow up with some people and it literally does feel like one day you just... just don't know who they are anymore. you realise that their principles are on a completely different wavelength to your own that it's a wonder how you ever got along so well to begin with. it's a really sad feeling that i find has been happening to me more and more often lately...

you try so hard to cling onto these things you call friendships but at the end of the day you've just become too different. your beliefs are no longer the same. you don't love the same things anymore.

in general, i find it really hard to maintain friendships. i really do. i've never been able to understand how people do it. but i do have maybe a handful of friendships that i try super hard to keep alive. maybe that's why it's so sad when they fall apart. you try to overlook the differences but in the end the differences were just the first words on the last page of the book.

it's hard but i'm sure everyone goes through it. i feel uncomfortable making new friends because i'm scared that it will distance me from all the friends that have stuck beside me all these years... i now realise that maybe you meet new friends because you've evolved. i prefer the term evolved because it implies that whatever you were beforehand is still there, that this is merely an extension of that. the term change implies that you are no longer who you used to be. maybe you have evolved into someone who doesn't get along with those people anymore and these new people understand you better, for now.

maybe i think too much. then again, maybe i don't think enough.

do what you can.

Sometimes people get angry. Sometimes it's your fault and sometimes it's not. But it's not worth your anger, frustration or annoyance. Who needs a life full of that? Just do what you can. Grit your teeth. Take a deep breath. Do what you can. You can never do more than that. Ever.

What has been done has already been done. You can't change it. Don't let it affect you now; it's in the past. Grit your teeth. Take a deep breath. Do what you can.

People get angry because, after all, they are just people. Forgive them. Pity them for they cannot see the need for more happiness in the world that you can. There is always too much anger and tears, and a drastic shortage of smiles and laughter. Focus your energy on the latter. It'll make life better for you and everyone around you.

exhausted.

hello everyone!

i know, it's been a while! i hope everyone is well! :D

i just came back last night from a week in hk with my mum. bought stuff, ate stuff. the usual hk story. found out that seven days with my mum in my face twenty-four hours a day is intense. almost too intense. i'm revelling in the comfort of sweet isolation as i type right now. isolation, i knew i loved you but little did i know to what degree. :)

today i received a message that was a tad annoying. or perhaps frustrating. a friend of mine is dating my cousin. they met independently of me which was weird for me when i found out about it all but i thought, meh. doesn't really concern me. good luck to them, as a friend would say. when i had the whole thing confirmed by her, i told my brothers and my parents, as you do. i'm sure if i started dating someone she'd go and tell her mum. and quite frankly, i wouldn't care. it's the person's family.

 anyways, so yesterday i received a delayed message from my friend (i was on the plane when she sent it). it just asked if my whole family knew about her and her boyfriend. i replied honestly and said that my parents and brothers knew but my family beyond that, i wouldn't have a clue. she replied rather annoyed and said she didn't want people to know about it yet. i found this weird. i mean, it's my family. who on earth would they tell? why would it bother you? i'm about the most private person you can possibly imagine when it comes to this stuff but i would be fine with my friends' families knowing that i was dating someone even if a lot of my friends didn't yet know. it's not like telling people in your circle. family doesn't sit there.

but that wasn't the part of her message that annoyed me. she also said that her mum said there was a picture of her and her boyfriend on a board in my house. now... wtf. seriously. wtf. those three letters never seemed more appropriate to use. why the hell would i have something like that? is it normal for people to keep photos of their friends with their significant others like that? i wrote a rather long reply but, upon re-reading it, i thought i better ask my brother if the words i had used were too harsh. my brother told me not to send it and to rewrite it. he too was annoyed at the accusation. it took me so long to write something that wasn't too serious, but also didn't trivialise what she was saying. it was also extremely hard not to reply and mock her. she hasn't replied.

but why on earth would you think that? does it show that she's very self-centred? that she's paranoid? like, i don't even know what to say. i really don't. it's been bothering me all dayyy...

anyways, just needed to spill. will write again soon! i hope everyone is well! :)

xx

i need something new.

i need something new. i'm sick and tired of this. i don't want change. i just want something new but, at the same time, something i know how to handle. someone throw me a life jacket. i'm drowning.

i don't want to think about you anymore. i hate myself for doing it. i hate the fear that i experience every time i see your name because it might tell me that you already belong to another. i hate that some part of me wants you all to myself while the others argue so strongly against it. i hate that i can't find your equivalent. i hate how you can put a smile on my face by simply putting one on your own.

i just hate all of this.

i don't even know anymore.

i wish i could say that i know exactly what i want, but the truth is that i don't. perhaps i fear knowing that i want something because it would mean that there's something to chase and to lose. something to fail at.

i know i'm a coward; you don't have to know me very long to feel it oozing from me. i don't like the idea of losing. my entire life has been a game that i never participated in. i've stood by the sidelines and watched things being taken away from me, all the while excusing myself by saying that i never tried and, therefore, never lost. the sad reality is that i always lost. i always failed by default. i'm now reaching a point where i'm not sure if i want to continue to do this to myself, but at the same time i fear the consequences of living my life in a manner different from how i've always done it. change has always presented itself as a hefty hurdle for me.

the idea of breaking the cycle and having it work out well is a great temptress, but the more i think about going out on a limb, the more i realise can go wrong. it scares me. i know that it won't kill me but it may take a bite out of me that i'll never get back.

against my better judgement.

i'm desperately hanging on. clinging on.

i feel like i'm being dragged through mud, heart and soul, hoping that you'll turn around and see me, but you don't even take a glance. yet here i am. still clutching at what could've been, at what could still be.

if only you could see me.

i wish...

... you had a higher regard for me.

fudge.

and here i do not mean the delicious edible fudge. i mean the fudge that is used as a substitute for a cussin' word.

had a rather long chat with my brother last night and now i feel like an idiot. how long am i going to continue to like this guy for before i feel like i have to say something? am i so foolish as to wait till he has some other girl on his arm? i'm so angry with myself right now.