And I'm thinking I'd prefer not to be rescued.

I feel like I owe the world an explanation.

And I'm procrastinating on doing this treatment planning case for tomorrow.

But I DO feel like I need to explain myself.


Life has its high and low points. The high times are sweet to taste and warm to touch.  They say that every moment can be enjoyed if you choose to see it that way.

But sometimes the world around you crumbles. You wake up one day and you realise that everything is in the wrong place.  The trigger is unknown, but it just hits you.

At the relatively tender age of 24, I'd like to think that I've lived through a wide spectrum of emotions.  For the most part, I stay high because life is too short to stay grounded for anything beyond a moment. But when I have my low points, they are well and truly low.  The past 10 days have been the lowest I've felt in a long time. I'll liken it to trudging through an abyss with weights strapped to your limbs.

My limbs feel borrowed. My thoughts are fuzzy. My eyelids are fighting a losing battle against gravity.  Talking feels like a cheap trick to mask how sunken I feel, so I just stop.  I can't bring myself to smile because it all feels like a lie.  Any form of escapism is a welcome relief from my own thoughts.

I don't want to talk to anyone, because I don't have the energy to put up a facade. I'm exhausted from nothing.  My chest feels like it wants to sink through the floor.  It's hard to tell whether my heart or my thoughts feel heavier.

I can't have a still moment, or else the tears overwhelm. My hands won't stop shaking.

Sleep is my only friend, because in its company everything goes dark, quiet and blank.

I wake up every day feeling disappointed that everything didn't just end.

I miss people who are gone. I miss Anh Huy. I wish I knew what you were going through. I wish you had said something. How did you bear getting me through my dark times, when you suffering through your own?  I miss you a lot. I wish you were still around.

But sometimes something small will happen. Andrew McMahon has saved me more times than I can remember. A friend that I hadn't spoken to for the longest time randomly sent me a link to Andrew's new song. I had no idea he was about to release any new work. But hearing his voice calmed my nerves.  His songs have always felt like a soothing warm embrace.  I guess I've just missed his music.  Thank you, Andy, for holding my hand through tough times since 2006.

I still don't feel okay. But I know I will at some point.  Please forgive me for pushing you and everyone else away. You didn't do anything wrong.  No one did.  


I'll come back soon, I promise.

It's just that I need to find the light in this abyss on my own.