it's my body?

I find it interesting to think about how much our childhood shapes who we are.  More specifically, of late I've realised that the things I got told as a child still affect me today. It has a much stronger hold on me than I would like.

Growing up, I was constantly compared to my cousins. They were slim and petite... feminine.  I was always a bit heavier with a round chubby face.  Every function had to include at least one family member suggesting that I should stop eating for the night. I used to laugh it off and continue stuffing my face.

Everyone looked at me with pity, like: 'It's a shame the genes went so wrong with this one.' The general consensus was that, while I was taller than the others, they would all overtake me at some point, because look at how long and slim their legs are! And they are all still growing!  How were my short and chubby legs to compete?  I was naturally curvier, with a fuller bust and hips, which everyone attributed to my 'weight issues'.

At some point every early on, I think these comments become a part of your thinking.  It wasn't until very recently that I realised the reason why I don't like people touching me was because I felt like they would be able to feel how 'overweight' and 'fat' I was and would then dislike me for it.  I don't like showing my shoulders, arms or legs for the same reason.  I don't really feel comfortable showing a lot of skin at all.  I used to think that it was because I didn't want people to perceive me as 'promiscuous', but its become obvious lately that I associate it more with body-shame than anything else.

I'm trying really hard to love myself a bit more these days, and to feel okay in my own skin.  I can wear dresses with tights without feeling overly embarrassed or shameful about the shape of my legs these days, and I guess that's a step in the right direction.