It started when you realise so much has changed...

Hello all!

I've recently been inspired to start blogging properly again. :)

GENERAL:

So what's new? Umm... a friend managed to motivate me to go for morning walk/jogs. so i'm up at 5:15am these days. which makes me uber tired during the day but i don't feel guility about not exercising anymore so it's good. and i have random people in cars giving me the thumbs up as i walk. ... i don't know whether that's a positive or worrying point. Uni's been okayy... there's so much work! i spend so much time studying and i'm not even good at it! it's so frustrating... didn't do as well in my anatomy mst as i should've. oh well! just gotta try harder next time. :)

STUFF (a.k.a. the more depressing stuff i usually write about):

well, it's been sometime now that i've just been floating in a state of semi-existence. there but not. amongst others yet invisible at the same time. everyone that you used to call a friend seems so far away and too busy to give you some time... go back two years. everything was so different.

i haven't spoken to most of my closest high school friends for months. and even when you bump into them, they don't really want to talk to you anymore. and you don't want to ask them why. possibly because you don't want to hear what they're going to say. some lame excuse about how they've been too busy, when they've been seeing some of the others. you know.

out of school friends that were so close they felt more like your family than your friends. they don't care anymore. too wrapped up in themselves. i finally see them for what they are: selfish, illogical, mean, mean people. and i was once one of them. it's a scary thought.

but somedays you feel like running back to them. just to belong to something. someone. anyone. and then you remember that you're better than that. that things are this way for the best and life goes on. then why does it hurt when they don't even acknowledge you anymore...?

torn between the depressing truth and the beautiful lies, which do you choose?

i'm sure you're thinking, what about new friends? sure. i have new friends. and they're awesome. fun and all. but they just kind of don't feel the same... i love them and all but i don't think i'm at that stage where i can be completely myself around them yet. i mean, it took me so SO long to even me myself around high school friends...

it's actually quite funny. i think everyone at uni thinks i'm really quiet and reserved. anyone of my friends from times past would say the complete opposite. example: my friend was giving me a lift to a gathering and we almost got in an accident because i was talking so much and he got distracted. that was like, 2 weeks ago. oops. i apologised though!!

i just feel like the whole world's angry with me and i don't know what i can do to make it stop. sometimes i feel like putting my head under a pillow and just screaming till it hurts. emo, yes i know. very. ... but not like EMO emo. just kinda emooo. cough.

but yeah... it's not a pleasant experience. i try to focus my energy on studying instead of thinking about it but i'm not good academically anymore. i don't know what's wrong with me...

Hammers and Strings.

Give me something to believe in,

A breath from the breathing,

Write it down, I don't think that I'll close my eyes,

Lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping?

It's just that at night I've got nowhere to hide.

I know I'm not crazy... Just lost my will.

Joy

I’m going in search of the adventure of being alive.

And it’s complicated: why am I not looking for happiness when everyone has taught me that happiness is the only goal worth pursuing?

Why am i going to risk taking a path that no one else is taking?After all, what is happiness?

Love, they tell me. But love doesn’t bring and never has brought happiness.

On the contrary, its a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; its sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we’re doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstacy and agony.All right then, peace.

Peace? If we look at the Mother, she’s never at peace. The winter does battle with the summer, the sun and d moon never meet, the tiger chases the man, who’s afraid of the dog, who chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.

Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop work. But then they’re more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that’s true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money wont necessarily bring happiness.I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness, now what i want is joy.

Joy is like sex – it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contended, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.

Paulo Coelho

lost.

you get to a point in time where you realise that you're simply lost. there's just no other way to explain it. what are you doing? why are you here? you feel perplexed even when asked for what makes you happy. who knows. i don't.

you feel empty. soulless. sitting in a boat, sailing to no destination. but then why sail in the first place? why put that foot into the boat? at first you think that you just prefer the solitude. and you do. you prefer it but it doesn't make you happy. being with others definitely doesn't either. that makes you even less happy.

you're stuck in limbo. feeling displaced. a disembodied eye. you belong but you're detached. you're the piece of the puzzle that will never fit.

so how are you meant to feel? well, luckily you can't feel anything. and no one cares about how you feel either.

Watch The Sky.

I'm lost at sea.

The radio is jamming but they won't find me.
I swear it's for the best... and then your frequency is pulling me in closer till I'm home.
And I've been up for days, I finally lost my mind.
And then I lost my way, I'm blistered but I'm better...
and I'm home.

This room's too small... it's only getting smaller.

Up against the wall, I'm slowly getting taller.

In this wonderland, your skin feels so familiar...
and I'm home.

And I think I... I could use a little break...
Today was a good day.
And I think I... I could use a little break...
But today was a good day.

It's a deep sea, in which I'm floating, and still I sink to think that I must crawl...

There's things that are worth giving up I know...

When you can't bare to carry me.
I'll fight, you live the life you're given with the storms outside.

Somedays all I do is watch the sky.

- Something Corporate.

Blinding - Florence + The Machine

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Food for thought

Honest and real

What happened to having something to say?

Where is the purpose?

What happened?

They made this all become about nothing

This life is not a business plan

We're losing hope in the world

Create something you love

Follow the formulas

What does it take?

Say what you mean, and not because someone else said it,

but because it's what you feel.