i wish i could say that i know exactly what i want, but the truth is that i don't. perhaps i fear knowing that i want something because it would mean that there's something to chase and to lose. something to fail at.
i know i'm a coward; you don't have to know me very long to feel it oozing from me. i don't like the idea of losing. my entire life has been a game that i never participated in. i've stood by the sidelines and watched things being taken away from me, all the while excusing myself by saying that i never tried and, therefore, never lost. the sad reality is that i always lost. i always failed by default. i'm now reaching a point where i'm not sure if i want to continue to do this to myself, but at the same time i fear the consequences of living my life in a manner different from how i've always done it. change has always presented itself as a hefty hurdle for me.
the idea of breaking the cycle and having it work out well is a great temptress, but the more i think about going out on a limb, the more i realise can go wrong. it scares me. i know that it won't kill me but it may take a bite out of me that i'll never get back.
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