12:29pm.
i suppose i'm just fluctuating between various emotions. sometimes i feel angry. sometimes it's resentment. sometimes i just feel sad. sometimes i wish the best for him, and sometimes i don't.
i hope he misses everything about us. because i know i will. i'll miss those happy moments that happened before he cut it short. how we recklessly dived into each other. how lost in each other we became. it's just a real shame that he couldn't pour all of himself in.
maybe it's just the timing. this terrible, terrible timing. maybe we'll find each other again in 5, 10 years and pick up where we left off. write a proper ending to all of this.
because i just can't shake off the feeling that this is meant to be so much more...
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1:10pm.
i don't know the whole story, and i probably never will. i hope you've thought this through. i hope you don't make rash decisions. because you are worth so much more than you think you are. and settling just isn't your style, you know? going back, in my opinion, just seems like you're settling for something less than both of you are capable of. you should be with someone that amazes you, that you didn't think could exist but here they are in front of you. someone who looks at you, eyes wide with wonder every time. someone who makes you laugh till you cry. someone who understands you. someone who wants to be with you through it all, through all of your moods. someone that you don't argue with all the time.
i think the saddest part for me, as your friend, and it's something that i've said for a while now, is that you've forgotten how bad it really was. you really have forgotten. it was bad enough to make you leave. it was bad enough that you never wanted to go home. it was bad enough to drive you into another's arms. wounds never seem to hurt as much in hindsight. i know you say that you still see her at the end of the day. but i cannot emphasise strongly enough that this is because you never tried not to see her there, you know?
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1:42pm.
i feel sad now. just... really down. like a part of my soul has somehow escaped me. i feel sad without really knowing why. do i feel sad because he's thrown me aside? is it because i feel like he's made the wrong decision? because i can't protect him anymore? i can't shield him? is it because this is over? that i don't get to have those moments with him anymore? that the warmth and security that came with him is gone? the fun and excitement too?
i think it's a little bit of everything. it's the melancholy. it's the feeling that maybe i'll have to wait a really long time before this happens again, if it ever happens again.
a part of me feels like this is a lot harder for me than for him. it seemed like he did this so easily. that there were no more emotions attached to me to make him question himself. and i guess that's sad too.
he abandoned me as quickly as he took me away. and i don't know whether he still feels anything for me. i hope he does. i hope so much that he does.
i'd say a lot of this still has to do with the feeling that this has been cut short. that this should've and could still be so much more than we allowed it to be. the timing was just so bad... and it was something we couldn't control.
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3:36pm.
couldn't cope on my own anymore. i needed another voice. i'm so glad i picked up that phone to seek one out. it was everything that i needed. i was allowed to cry and scream and be angry and sob until my eyes hurt. and he didn't try to soften the blow. he just listened to me cry in silence, let me get everything out. then he said everything that i needed and wanted someone to say to me.
- this was a really fucked up situation from start to finish.
- i'm the one who dodged a bullet.
- he's well and truly burnt his bridges here.
- he has never known what he wants.
- all those sweet things he said were just said because he thought they were what i wanted to hear.
- a lot of things don't make any sense in hindsight.
- if he could've intervened, he would've told me to jump ship from the very beginning.
so i don't regret anything. i know i did everything i could to make this work. and if i have to ask someone to stay, then i should really let them go. this probably did mean more to me than it ever did to you, and maybe that's why i'm going through all this.
but i am the one who dodged a bullet.
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4:02pm.
there are lessons to be learnt from this. so many of them. i'm just not at a stage where i can untangle them from the mess yet. i look forward to deciphering them so much.
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