reflections : day 1 cont.

i am going to write until i have nothing left to say. or until i fall asleep.

it doesn't make any sense to me how you could miss me that much only 10 days ago, and now you don't even care? unless you never missed me at all? but i was so sure that you did. i was so sure. i could see it in your eyes when we spoke; unless it was a trick of the screen? it was a constant stream of messages from you whenever you had wifi. and i thought, this is it. he's finally going to realise it. he's finally going to see that i'm what he wants. that 10 days away from me was already too much. that i'm the rightful end game here.

i honestly believed that. with all of my silly heart, i believed it. and it made me happy. i remember feeling so happy. there was the light at the end of the tunnel. that maybe there was a reason for all this suffering. for all the tears. the anxiety. the sleepless nights. the nightmares. that my instincts, as shaky as they had started to become, might be right after all. that persistence was going to pay off. because he was finally seeing eye to eye with me.

i thought telling our closest friends would help confirm things in your head about us. they were all encouraging, and could see this going beyond what we had so far allowed it to be.

but something changed. something changed very suddenly. in the space of 10 days, you went and completely changed. i honestly don't know what happened. i guess i never will.

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i hope this hurts more than you think it will. i hope it hurts more than those times in the past when we stopped speaking. i hope you think of how happy you were, and how you threw it all away. i hope you think of me when you eat, because it reminds you of our food adventures. i hope you think of me when you wear your shirts, because you've seen me wearing them and nothing else. i hope you think of me every time you sit on that couch, because it was where we first undressed each other, explored every inch of the other's body and fell asleep in each other's arms, remembering that you'll never have me like that again. everything you associate with yourself will now be tainted in association with me, because we really were that similar. even her car, if you ever see it again, should remind you of that night we spent half naked and messing around in the back seat in an empty parking lot. i don't think you've thought this through or maybe you have. everything is going to hurt for you. everything. you will have to see me every day and know you can't have me. and that's what makes it worse. you know exactly what it's like to have me, all of me. and now i'm gone. and it's your fault. don't think that i will be the same. trust me, i'll be fine. as i always say to you, i know i'll be fine because i always am. but i know you're not as strong as me. and this will all haunt you. and i'm glad.

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i am tired. so tired from thinking about this. so tired of everything. not upset. not angry. just tired. because one person should not have so many thoughts running through their head at the one time.