so much has happened and i don't feel like words can express it all, but i want this to be documented, because i think there are very few times in life where your emotions run this high and it's a waste to not write it down. my writing has gone down the drain over the past year or so, which i really regret. this is amazing stimulus for creation but i just don't have the skills these days...
when the first emotion you feel is relief, what does that say about the relationship that just ended? that you finally feel like you can be yourself again. that a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. what does that say about the relationship? i guess i was too caught up in things. i ignored the occasional passing thought of 'who are you, and what have have you become?' i genuinely felt like i had lost a part of me these past few months. that i didn't know who was staring back at me every time i looked in the mirror. it made me feel afraid. i didn't like this version of me that lied to family and friends. i didn't like keeping these secrets to myself. i didn't like keeping these emotions to myself. i felt so vulnerable and alone.
i felt like a compromised version of myself. something i vowed never to be. i couldn't speak my mind. i felt so trapped.
i gave him everything. i gave him everything that was within my power to give. he'd take it and then come back for more. and in the end, i didn't have anything else to offer. this is me. and this is all that will ever be of me. under normal circumstances, i think it would've been more than enough. but right now, it just wasn't. he kept looking in a direction i couldn't take him in, he kept looking at the past. no matter how much i begged and cried, he turned a blind eye and refused to see me. this is what happens when you fall for the idea of a person, rather than the person themselves. and i think that's what happened for him. i am a person, and once he could see that, i don't think he wanted me anymore.
a lot of things don't make sense. a lot still feels raw, which is why i want to write. how can you want someone so much for so long, know everything about them, know they make you happy, know you care for them, but still abandon them? knowing that they are doing everything they can to try to make you happy?
how do you run back to a past that you willingly walked away from because it made you so unhappy?
how did you abandon me and not seem to feel anything? you say you didn't use me, but i see now that you did. you say you care, but i see now that you didn't. don't try to feed me these lies anymore, because we both know i can read you better than you can read yourself. why did it surprise you that i can tell when you're sad? it's human nature to feel sadness from the people around you. is it because she could never see it? or maybe she ignored it? this is what you're running back to. and i'm what you've thrown away.
no. i don't think that's the right way to put it. i'm glad you ended this. i had spent days in my bed, eyes swollen from tears, not talking to you. and it was in those moments of seemingly endless abyss that i finally saw clarity. when the tears stopped, i felt like i was sane for the first time in months. and i realised i was unhappy. i don't even know how long i'd been unhappy for. but it was enough to feel relief just from not communicating with you for a few days.
i wanted to end it. i wanted to so badly. but don't get me wrong. my reasons are not what you think. it was not because i didn't think we could be happy together. no. i thought we could've been really happy together, because there are very very few people you meet in life that seem to just understand you from the foundation up. i wanted to end it because i was fighting a battle on my own, when you really should've been by my side. i didn't need all of you, i just needed some part of you to say that you wanted me to stay. that despite this confusion, a part of you still saw me at the finish line. even just a little part of you would've been enough for me to push on. but you never did say that. you never did say that you might regret losing what we have now. you never said you'd miss being this happy with me. you never said you'd miss my lips on yours, or my hair running through your fingertips, or the smell of me on your bedsheets in the morning. you never said any of that. you never showed an ounce that you even cared. you never considered how hard it is for me to stand there listening to you say how much you miss someone else. you never thought about how hurt my feelings were when you threw all my help and advice away. you never tried to see through my smiles and laughter to see how many sleepless and tear-filled nights i had because of this. but i bit my tongue and persisted, because i really did think you were worth it all at the end. i really did think that you would eventually come to your senses. because i knew i wasn't alone in how i thought. but i guess we were all just giving you too much credit.
sure. so maybe you didn't care enough about me to tell me these things, or maybe you just don't feel them at all. you probably don't. okay. sure. despite how weak and vulnerable i felt, despite how unhealthy this all felt, i refused to throw in the towel because i wanted this to be a difficult decision for you. i wanted this to be a painful decision that you would consciously have to make. i didn't want to give you the easy way out by ending it myself. i wanted to force your hand on this. i purposely left it to you to say. i want it to be something you look back and regret choosing to do.
it's really disappointing that you couldn't even try, you know? and you know that you never tried. you would sit and whine about how confused you are, but honestly, did you ever really try to sort out the confusion? did you ever give yourself a chance to let it go? this was something you wanted. you set this wheel in motion. we both know i didn't feel anything when i got involved in this. but let's not get started with the blame game here. it's just disappointing that you didn't try to move on despite your original sentiment of how much you wanted to. do you remember me trying to convince you to not end things to begin with? do you remember that? and how adamant you were that things just weren't working and that it had been a long time coming? yeah. i remember it. i remember practically begging you to reconsider, because this damage cannot be undone. do you remember the weeks afterwards, how much i worried about you? how often i would ask how you're feeling? remember how you said you felt like a changed person, a free person, only two weeks after it all happened? no, i guess you don't remember any of it now. because you only see, hear and remember what you want, and that's been a very difficult lesson for me to learn.
it's really quite sad to hear your perspective on the situation now. it really is. not only do you only consider yourself, but you're twisting the facts in your head. you're starting to believe your own lies. never did you say how much she was feeling. never did you say how i was feeling. it was all about you. sure, you need to figure out what you want but remember that you're not the only person in this world. and your actions do have consequences that affect those around you. did you ever think how much it hurt me every time you would say you just want to keep me as a friend? did you ever really think about it? that's the last thing that would be preserved from what has occurred between us, and it baffles me still that you can't see that. this friendship was finished the moment that we moved beyond it. there is no saving this friendship. it hurt that that's all you could think about when you considered your options. you can't have both of us. you just can't. even if it could happen, me as a friend won't be like me as i am now. and i almost hate you for not being able to see that.
this entire post sounds so selfish, i know. it's all about how i feel. it's all about how you never thought about me. it's self-centred. but you know what, i've had all of this and more bottled up for the past few months and i could never say anything to you about it, so here it all is now.
you could've made me happy, you know. we could've made each other really happy. with me, what you see is what you get, and things don't change. there is no honeymoon stage. this is my personality and this is who i am.
but you know what? i deserve better than this. i deserve better than some guy i have to sit and convince to stay with me. i deserve better than a guy who says he misses being with me one week, and then carelessly throws me away the next. i'm worth so much more than that. and i love and respect myself enough to know that i'm going to be more than fine without you. i don't sit here typing this in tears. i sit here with a smirk on my face knowing that you've made the wrong decision and i hope that you're reminded of it every day.
No comments:
Post a Comment