Please be patient with me. I'm trying my hardest.

I love you.

My emotions are still fluctuating day to day, minute to minute. Sometimes I hate you with every bone in my body, other times I'm upset and disappointed.

But this is how I feel right now.

I miss you. More than I'd ever admit to anyone. I miss you so much.

I wake up everyday with a hundred things I wish I could say to you. But I know it'd all fall on deaf ears.

So many questions, but I'm not brave enough to hear the answers so I just won't ask.

I dream of you turning up and saying: 'Hey. I was an idiot. I know what I want now. I want you and I'm going to fight for this like I should've from the start. No one makes me feel as excited about life and a new day like you do. I'm sorry it took me so long to come around, but I'm here now.'

I can't bear to look at you. I don't trust myself enough yet. Because I know I'll try and throw myself into your arms and beg you to try and feel something for me again.

I remember the last time so clearly. As I lay beneath you, you shed that maroon shirt that I love so much, and I felt your skin against mine. I thought to myself: 'How could I be so lucky? He is amazing and perfect. I could die in this moment and I'd be happy. He's here with me right now, and he is beautiful.' I wonder if your mind replays any of these memories like mine does.

I'm miserable without you. But I hope you're happy. I'm broken and defeated, but all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. If me not being in the picture anymore gets you there, then that's alright. I still stand by every word I've ever said about everything, and I hope that at least some of it got through to you. We could've been happy together, you know. You saw that too. But then you didn't want to see it, and I guess I'll never understand why.

I never wanted to make you do anything you didn't want to do, and I hope you realise that. That's the difference between me and her. I hoped for you to grow and make your own decisions. I wanted you to have confidence in yourself because, for some reason, you seem so void of it. The last few years have not brought out the best in you, and I don't want you to go back to that. But if I'm not what you want, then I accept it. Because I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. But honestly, I think that, deep down, going back isn't what you want either.

I've realised recently that you fear change. Baby, don't be scared. It helps you grow and find better things in life. Adapt to it and make a better version of yourself. Even if it seems tough right now. Learn to leave behind things that stopped making you happy, and chase after the right things for the right reasons. Stop trying to wind back the clock to who you were 4 years ago. You are who you are today for a reason, even if the reason isn't obvious yet.

I don't know what decisions you've made since you left me behind. And I don't want to know because I'm not strong enough to hear it. You know I'll never support you going back and we've discussed this at length. I hope you haven't settled. I hope you're beginning to realise that you deserve more than you think you do. That missing familiarity isn't a justified reason to undo decisions you thought long and hard about. That you should be fighting for something passionate and exciting instead. I hope you learn to make your own decisions and then trust them. Don't let others decide your life for you. Pave your own pathway. Let go of the life you thought you'd have, so you can have the life you never expected. Take risks. Jump into the deep end knowing that there's always a way out if you choose to push forward. Don't fear change, embrace it. Don't go running back to something that stopped pushing you to grow, and instead search for something that brings out the best in you.

You still have a lot of growing up to do and a lot to learn about yourself. You need to know yourself before you can figure out what you want. Loving yourself comes before loving anyone else. I hope you find yourself and all that self-love that a person your age should have. I think your situation for the last decade seems to have robbed you of it, and that's really not healthy, you know? Don't live a life laid out for you by someone else. Take control of your own life.

I once lay in bed late at night, and prayed for your happiness. I said I'd trade all of mine if it meant that you could be. So I hope you're happy. I hope that you find yourself one day, and realise what we could be. Come find me if you're ever ready to give this another go. You know I'd hold your hand again in a heartbeat.

I miss you and I love you. I'm sorry I just never had the courage to say it.

Lapsing. Can't breathe.

I wish you would miss me even a little bit. I wish you would miss me a lot. I hope you think of me. And yearn for the time we were so lost in each other.

Because that's how I feel right now about you.

But I know you don't.

Not a lot.

Not even a little bit.

And that's what hurts the most.

relfections : day 2.

12:29pm.

i suppose i'm just fluctuating between various emotions. sometimes i feel angry. sometimes it's resentment. sometimes i just feel sad. sometimes i wish the best for him, and sometimes i don't.

i hope he misses everything about us. because i know i will. i'll miss those happy moments that happened before he cut it short. how we recklessly dived into each other. how lost in each other we became. it's just a real shame that he couldn't pour all of himself in.

maybe it's just the timing. this terrible, terrible timing. maybe we'll find each other again in 5, 10 years and pick up where we left off. write a proper ending to all of this.

because i just can't shake off the feeling that this is meant to be so much more...

-----------------------

1:10pm.

i don't know the whole story, and i probably never will. i hope you've thought this through. i hope you don't make rash decisions. because you are worth so much more than you think you are. and settling just isn't your style, you know? going back, in my opinion, just seems like you're settling for something less than both of you are capable of. you should be with someone that amazes you, that you didn't think could exist but here they are in front of you. someone who looks at you, eyes wide with wonder every time. someone who makes you laugh till you cry. someone who understands you. someone who wants to be with you through it all, through all of your moods. someone that you don't argue with all the time.

i think the saddest part for me, as your friend, and it's something that i've said for a while now, is that you've forgotten how bad it really was. you really have forgotten. it was bad enough to make you leave. it was bad enough that you never wanted to go home. it was bad enough to drive you into another's arms. wounds never seem to hurt as much in hindsight. i know you say that you still see her at the end of the day. but i cannot emphasise strongly enough that this is because you never tried not to see her there, you know?

--------------------

1:42pm.

i feel sad now. just... really down. like a part of my soul has somehow escaped me. i feel sad without really knowing why. do i feel sad because he's thrown me aside? is it because i feel like he's made the wrong decision? because i can't protect him anymore? i can't shield him? is it because this is over? that i don't get to have those moments with him anymore? that the warmth and security that came with him is gone? the fun and excitement too?

i think it's a little bit of everything. it's the melancholy. it's the feeling that maybe i'll have to wait a really long time before this happens again, if it ever happens again.

a part of me feels like this is a lot harder for me than for him. it seemed like he did this so easily. that there were no more emotions attached to me to make him question himself. and i guess that's sad too.

he abandoned me as quickly as he took me away. and i don't know whether he still feels anything for me. i hope he does. i hope so much that he does.

i'd say a lot of this still has to do with the feeling that this has been cut short. that this should've and could still be so much more than we allowed it to be. the timing was just so bad... and it was something we couldn't control.

-----------------

3:36pm.

couldn't cope on my own anymore. i needed another voice. i'm so glad i picked up that phone to seek one out. it was everything that i needed. i was allowed to cry and scream and be angry and sob until my eyes hurt. and he didn't try to soften the blow. he just listened to me cry in silence, let me get everything out. then he said everything that i needed and wanted someone to say to me.

- this was a really fucked up situation from start to finish.

- i'm the one who dodged a bullet.

- he's well and truly burnt his bridges here.

- he has never known what he wants.

- all those sweet things he said were just said because he thought they were what i wanted to hear.

- a lot of things don't make any sense in hindsight.

- if he could've intervened, he would've told me to jump ship from the very beginning.

so i don't regret anything. i know i did everything i could to make this work. and if i have to ask someone to stay, then i should really let them go. this probably did mean more to me than it ever did to you, and maybe that's why i'm going through all this.

but i am the one who dodged a bullet.

--------------------------------

4:02pm.

there are lessons to be learnt from this. so many of them. i'm just not at a stage where i can untangle them from the mess yet. i look forward to deciphering them so much.

------------------------------

reflections : day 1 cont.

i am going to write until i have nothing left to say. or until i fall asleep.

it doesn't make any sense to me how you could miss me that much only 10 days ago, and now you don't even care? unless you never missed me at all? but i was so sure that you did. i was so sure. i could see it in your eyes when we spoke; unless it was a trick of the screen? it was a constant stream of messages from you whenever you had wifi. and i thought, this is it. he's finally going to realise it. he's finally going to see that i'm what he wants. that 10 days away from me was already too much. that i'm the rightful end game here.

i honestly believed that. with all of my silly heart, i believed it. and it made me happy. i remember feeling so happy. there was the light at the end of the tunnel. that maybe there was a reason for all this suffering. for all the tears. the anxiety. the sleepless nights. the nightmares. that my instincts, as shaky as they had started to become, might be right after all. that persistence was going to pay off. because he was finally seeing eye to eye with me.

i thought telling our closest friends would help confirm things in your head about us. they were all encouraging, and could see this going beyond what we had so far allowed it to be.

but something changed. something changed very suddenly. in the space of 10 days, you went and completely changed. i honestly don't know what happened. i guess i never will.

----------------------------------------

i hope this hurts more than you think it will. i hope it hurts more than those times in the past when we stopped speaking. i hope you think of how happy you were, and how you threw it all away. i hope you think of me when you eat, because it reminds you of our food adventures. i hope you think of me when you wear your shirts, because you've seen me wearing them and nothing else. i hope you think of me every time you sit on that couch, because it was where we first undressed each other, explored every inch of the other's body and fell asleep in each other's arms, remembering that you'll never have me like that again. everything you associate with yourself will now be tainted in association with me, because we really were that similar. even her car, if you ever see it again, should remind you of that night we spent half naked and messing around in the back seat in an empty parking lot. i don't think you've thought this through or maybe you have. everything is going to hurt for you. everything. you will have to see me every day and know you can't have me. and that's what makes it worse. you know exactly what it's like to have me, all of me. and now i'm gone. and it's your fault. don't think that i will be the same. trust me, i'll be fine. as i always say to you, i know i'll be fine because i always am. but i know you're not as strong as me. and this will all haunt you. and i'm glad.

--------------------------------------

i am tired. so tired from thinking about this. so tired of everything. not upset. not angry. just tired. because one person should not have so many thoughts running through their head at the one time.

I hope you miss the colour of my eyes,

Dark, but glowing in the sunlight.

My hair, black as midnight ink,

Coarse, yet slipping like silk between your fingers.

My nose, small and round,

Gently nuzzling against yours.

My lips, full and pink,

Curved into a smile at the sight of you.

My hands, always searching for yours,

During the warmth of the day, and the cold of the night.

The curves of my body, peacefully next to you,

soaking the sheets with my scent.

Your happiness,

Because I am gone.

reflections : day 1.

so much has happened and i don't feel like words can express it all, but i want this to be documented, because i think there are very few times in life where your emotions run this high and it's a waste to not write it down. my writing has gone down the drain over the past year or so, which i really regret. this is amazing stimulus for creation but i just don't have the skills these days...

when the first emotion you feel is relief, what does that say about the relationship that just ended? that you finally feel like you can be yourself again. that a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. what does that say about the relationship? i guess i was too caught up in things. i ignored the occasional passing thought of 'who are you, and what have have you become?' i genuinely felt like i had lost a part of me these past few months. that i didn't know who was staring back at me every time i looked in the mirror. it made me feel afraid. i didn't like this version of me that lied to family and friends. i didn't like keeping these secrets to myself. i didn't like keeping these emotions to myself. i felt so vulnerable and alone.

i felt like a compromised version of myself. something i vowed never to be. i couldn't speak my mind. i felt so trapped.

i gave him everything. i gave him everything that was within my power to give. he'd take it and then come back for more. and in the end, i didn't have anything else to offer. this is me. and this is all that will ever be of me. under normal circumstances, i think it would've been more than enough. but right now, it just wasn't. he kept looking in a direction i couldn't take him in, he kept looking at the past. no matter how much i begged and cried, he turned a blind eye and refused to see me. this is what happens when you fall for the idea of a person, rather than the person themselves. and i think that's what happened for him. i am a person, and once he could see that, i don't think he wanted me anymore.

a lot of things don't make sense. a lot still feels raw, which is why i want to write. how can you want someone so much for so long, know everything about them, know they make you happy, know you care for them, but still abandon them? knowing that they are doing everything they can to try to make you happy?

how do you run back to a past that you willingly walked away from because it made you so unhappy?

how did you abandon me and not seem to feel anything? you say you didn't use me, but i see now that you did. you say you care, but i see now that you didn't. don't try to feed me these lies anymore, because we both know i can read you better than you can read yourself. why did it surprise you that i can tell when you're sad? it's human nature to feel sadness from the people around you. is it because she could never see it? or maybe she ignored it? this is what you're running back to. and i'm what you've thrown away.

no. i don't think that's the right way to put it. i'm glad you ended this. i had spent days in my bed, eyes swollen from tears, not talking to you. and it was in those moments of seemingly endless abyss that i finally saw clarity. when the tears stopped, i felt like i was sane for the first time in months. and i realised i was unhappy. i don't even know how long i'd been unhappy for. but it was enough to feel relief just from not communicating with you for a few days.

i wanted to end it. i wanted to so badly. but don't get me wrong. my reasons are not what you think. it was not because i didn't think we could be happy together. no. i thought we could've been really happy together, because there are very very few people you meet in life that seem to just understand you from the foundation up. i wanted to end it because i was fighting a battle on my own, when you really should've been by my side. i didn't need all of you, i just needed some part of you to say that you wanted me to stay. that despite this confusion, a part of you still saw me at the finish line. even just a little part of you would've been enough for me to push on. but you never did say that. you never did say that you might regret losing what we have now. you never said you'd miss being this happy with me. you never said you'd miss my lips on yours, or my hair running through your fingertips, or the smell of me on your bedsheets in the morning. you never said any of that. you never showed an ounce that you even cared. you never considered how hard it is for me to stand there listening to you say how much you miss someone else. you never thought about how hurt my feelings were when you threw all my help and advice away. you never tried to see through my smiles and laughter to see how many sleepless and tear-filled nights i had because of this. but i bit my tongue and persisted, because i really did think you were worth it all at the end. i really did think that you would eventually come to your senses. because i knew i wasn't alone in how i thought. but i guess we were all just giving you too much credit.

sure. so maybe you didn't care enough about me to tell me these things, or maybe you just don't feel them at all. you probably don't. okay. sure. despite how weak and vulnerable i felt, despite how unhealthy this all felt, i refused to throw in the towel because i wanted this to be a difficult decision for you. i wanted this to be a painful decision that you would consciously have to make. i didn't want to give you the easy way out by ending it myself. i wanted to force your hand on this. i purposely left it to you to say. i want it to be something you look back and regret choosing to do.

it's really disappointing that you couldn't even try, you know? and you know that you never tried. you would sit and whine about how confused you are, but honestly, did you ever really try to sort out the confusion? did you ever give yourself a chance to let it go? this was something you wanted. you set this wheel in motion. we both know i didn't feel anything when i got involved in this. but let's not get started with the blame game here. it's just disappointing that you didn't try to move on despite your original sentiment of how much you wanted to. do you remember me trying to convince you to not end things to begin with? do you remember that? and how adamant you were that things just weren't working and that it had been a long time coming? yeah. i remember it. i remember practically begging you to reconsider, because this damage cannot be undone. do you remember the weeks afterwards, how much i worried about you? how often i would ask how you're feeling? remember how you said you felt like a changed person, a free person, only two weeks after it all happened? no, i guess you don't remember any of it now. because you only see, hear and remember what you want, and that's been a very difficult lesson for me to learn.

it's really quite sad to hear your perspective on the situation now. it really is. not only do you only consider yourself, but you're twisting the facts in your head. you're starting to believe your own lies. never did you say how much she was feeling. never did you say how i was feeling. it was all about you. sure, you need to figure out what you want but remember that you're not the only person in this world. and your actions do have consequences that affect those around you. did you ever think how much it hurt me every time you would say you just want to keep me as a friend? did you ever really think about it? that's the last thing that would be preserved from what has occurred between us, and it baffles me still that you can't see that. this friendship was finished the moment that we moved beyond it. there is no saving this friendship. it hurt that that's all you could think about when you considered your options. you can't have both of us. you just can't. even if it could happen, me as a friend won't be like me as i am now. and i almost hate you for not being able to see that.

this entire post sounds so selfish, i know. it's all about how i feel. it's all about how you never thought about me. it's self-centred. but you know what, i've had all of this and more bottled up for the past few months and i could never say anything to you about it, so here it all is now.

you could've made me happy, you know. we could've made each other really happy. with me, what you see is what you get, and things don't change. there is no honeymoon stage. this is my personality and this is who i am.

but you know what? i deserve better than this. i deserve better than some guy i have to sit and convince to stay with me. i deserve better than a guy who says he misses being with me one week, and then carelessly throws me away the next. i'm worth so much more than that. and i love and respect myself enough to know that i'm going to be more than fine without you. i don't sit here typing this in tears. i sit here with a smirk on my face knowing that you've made the wrong decision and i hope that you're reminded of it every day.