what am i doing?

hello friends.

i'm at home this morning because Metro decided to cancel all the trains coming past all the stations close to me. hooray. ... i don't know if that was sarcastic or not, you can decide. :)

i've been thinking quite hard over the last week about studying (note that i wasn't actually studying but just thinking about it), and i've been wondering if i really should be doing what i'm doing. as in, i've never known anything outside of science but i'm not too sure if it makes me happy. sometimes i'll sit staring at my macbook for hours and hours and not get any studying done because i just simply dislike what i'm meant to be learning. vce was absolute hell for me and i wasn't aware that i had signed myself up for a three year extension of it. it just isn't where i want to be.

i read a friend's blog this morning and they said that now was the time to study and not think about other things like relationships etc.

first off, i'm not one to think about relationships so that's really not a big deal for me.

but why am i busting my chops doing something that i don't like, in the hopes of getting into some course afterwards which will only further extend how long i have to study for? a lot of people say that you're miserable while you're studying but you have to think long-term: eventually you'll have a well-paying job. but what makes you think that's going to make me happy?

we're basically miserable because we're studying to hopefully extend our years of study (which can only make you more miserable) to end up with a job that MIGHT make us happy with the amount of money that it may or may not bring us. since when did we follow the social convention so strictly that what feels right doesn't matter anymore?

i remember reading something that lily allen said. most people's lives are divided into three parts. the first part of our lives is education. we go to school to learn and be taught what to do for stage two. stage two involves working. it is the eventual fruit of the hard work of stage one and it's purpose is to accumulate money for stage three. stage three is retirement, where we spend all the money that we've made in our lives and make the most of life. it's a shame that by the time we get to stage three we'll be so worn out and old and burdened by everything else that's happened along the way to really enjoy anything at all. and thus, our lives have been wasted.

i really don't know what to do anymore. how confusing!