calm before the storm

hi everyone!

i know it has been a terribly long LONG time since i last posted but i've just been really busy with so much! i hope everyone has been well! this post is a catch-up as well as a vent one so expect it to be fairly long...

so i'm back at uni. the gamsat was a few weeks ago. it wasn't really hard nor easy but i can't really gage how i went; guess i'll just have to wait for results. the plan is to apply for dentistry at UoM as well as nursing there. i was actually quite settled on nursing for quite some time but then decided to sit the gammy anyway just incase i changed my mind. i guess it was a good idea. i'm now also considering USyd more seriously because of the limited numbers of CSP places available at UoM. i think my chances of getting a FFP at UoM are higher but that's 50k a year. USyd seems to have many CSPs so by my not very accurate calculations, it would be cheaper overall to go to USyd than stay at UoM under a FFP. ... *cough*. yeah, i don't know. i'll keep you posted! ;)

anyway, the REAL reason that i felt the need to write today is because of this: i think i'm thinking about a guy more than i think about most guys.

i'll give you a little moment to absorb that.

he's funny and cute in a totally daggy way, doesn't dress fancy, he somehow remembers my name, lets me call him by the most awesome nickname ever. but i find that i try to avoid talking to him sometimes. i guess it's just my natural reaction when i feel like i'm starting to like a guy. this sounds really silly, but he reminds me of mn. witty and smart, they have really similar mannerisms and it almost scares me. i had a very brief and somewhat uncomfortable chat (on my side anyways) and found out that he volunteers to teach international students english. i think my heart skipped a beat. it really was like meeting a caucasian version of mn. and that scares me. i just don't want another long and pointless phase of being completely infatuated with someone i can't have. with someone that i don't even know if i want to have. the mn phase was terrible though useful at the time. but now i don't know what to do. do i make an effort to talk to him more? do i sit back and let him do the work? but what if he doesn't notice me like that? am i obliged to put in that extra effort to get myself noticed and distinguished? what happens if he doesn't turn out to be who i thought he was?

and ALAS, i fall into the same helpless pattern as previous.

i know they say you shouldn't think too much about these things and that you should just let it run its course but at the same time, it feels like that is the complete opposite of what i should be doing. the feeling i get about this guy doesn't feel like the fake feelings i had towards j1 or j2... it's more like mn feelings before i completely lost the plot and over obsessed.

i guess the worst part of this is that i don't really have anyone to talk to about it, which makes me sad. during the mn era, i used to talk to ab but i can't do that anymore. kn and ky are very busy so i don't want to disturb them; i mean, they have enough on their plates as it is.

i just feel restless about it all. go back two years and i would've just tried everything i could to get this guy's attention. but i tried that during the j1 phase and that was just a plain bad idea because i had no idea who he was before i jumped in.

as a reader of HJNTIY, i should just be restraining myself and not doing anything. it has taken enormous amounts of willpower to not add this guy on fb. seriously!

but then i sat and thought about it. a guy so awesome cannot possibly be on the market. or maybe he bats for the other team ala mn style. i have NO IDEA what i would do if the latter were true.

he's really sweet! i'd hate to lose him to someone else. but to start something then have it fall apart would be really terrible too. we have subjects together. :(

i guess i've never been much of a risk taker... he just seems super sweet. he wants to be a lawyer. AWWWW!!! but sigh. i just don't know what to do.

i guess first up, i need to find out if he's available.

i'll keep you updated!

COMMENTS ARE WELCOME! I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE ADVICE!

xx