seeing.

i thought spending a day without seeing you would be a good thing. so i skipped the class that we have together. i avoided places that you might be. all the while looking over my shoulder in the hope that i would bump into you.

someone else sat where you usually sit today. someone else sat through my whinging, complaining and odd behaviour. they sat with me where we usually sit and for a similar duration of time. it made things so much clearer.

he wasn't you. he didn't make me smile and laugh like you do. he didn't have that positive energy.

it made me miss you, even though we don't even spend that much time together.

i don't care that i'm digging my own grave when it comes to you. i'm in so deep, i can't even remember where i came from.

i wish you knew.

actually, i just wish for the strength to be able to hope that you could possibly feel the same about me.

frustration.

so i know my motto has always been to just 'go with the flow' and 'what will happen will happen' but sometimes you just can't help but have that total lapse in mindset and think 'Why can't this go my way?'

it's annoying and confusing and a world of pointless thinking. i don't even know what i want.

smile.

I know when you have your break on Tuesdays. It's the same as mine. I've spent the last two weeks in your company during that time. But I've had the feeling lately that I'm bothering you. I'm annoying you. So today, I stayed away. I wondered whether I would cross your mind at all.

I went to class typically late. I sat with my friend. I could see you. But I didn't dare message you. I wanted you to relish in your time without me. When class finished, I planned on walking out without saying hello because I wasn't sure whether you'd want to talk to me. We accidentally made eye-contact and I couldn't help but say hi. It's courtesy, right? I walked out with my friend. I stood and chatted with her so that I wouldn't have to say bye to you as you walked out. But you stood and waited for me.

So I walked with you and your friend. You asked where I was going. I had no idea but I told you I had an hour to kill. We then took a detour to the library that had just opened. You asked if I wanted to stay and study there. I was rather confused. We walked out and said bye to your friend. 

So, on the day that I had planned to stay out of your way, I ended up spending an hour with only you anyway. Just like every other Tuesday. 

One thing did bother me. I was reading through the notes you took from today's class when you suddenly tried to grab the book from me, saying that there were things in there that I wasn't allowed to read. Notes between you and your friend. I can't help but think that it's something not nice about me.

You told me that I smile too much. I wonder if you've ever thought about whether I smile that much around people who aren't you.

let's take this back a step.

i think that's exactly what i need to do. i think i've confirmed to myself that i do like this guy. i don't know if it's enough to overcome the little things but for now, let's say it is.

now, how do i make it so that i don't come across as a super hyperactive freak? hmm.

in the last few days i feel like i've made progress. but maybe i haven't. i don't know.

i just have to take a step back. and breathe.

breathe and relax.

relax.

pictures of gifts. belated now, obviously.

here are the pictures of my presents that i promised i would upload... a month ago. ><"

Yoshi slippers and Super Mario chess set from Triet and Bao

Yummy hot chocolate mix from Maria

Nail Polish from Vickie Wong

Necklace and fish book from Kathleen and Lyn

Tony Bianco clutch and movie ticket from Fee Song

Photo frame, perfume and bag from Roger Ho

Book and wand from Clairey

Books from Justin

Book book cover for my macbook pro from Anh Quan and Carminia

Wallet from Anh Xu, Anh Bi, Jen, Martin and Darryn

Jumper and baret from Nick and Gabbi

Perfume and wand/pen from Anna

Thermos and book from Stacey

UFC gloves from Kimmy

I forgot to take a picture of the Daria set Chris got me. =="

woopsie daisies!

sorry i've been away for so long!! so much went on during the break that i just never got much of a chance to sit down and write... i ended up going on a roadtrip to sydney to visit my cousin, then stayed with my brother in newcastle for a fortnight!

i'm now back at uni... and just not in study mode at all. so i'm hating all my subjects two days in. it's so bad. ><"

in regards to certain other long-standing issues in my life... i'm just going let it be. i've decided that i'd value the alternative so much more as a friend. he means a lot to me as he is and i wouldn't want to change that. lord knows he already has to put up with my constant whinging... bless him! it's friendly love! :D

as to the one i always considered the main... sometimes i just wish i could get over it. but then he's just so nice that it makes it so hard. he was messaging me today... i'm in way over my head with this. i guess the real drawback when considering him is that (this is going to sound so SO stupid) but he's almost just too social? being the hermity, borderline people-disliker that i am, it makes him the opposite of me. i only have 3 hours of class with him per week this sem as opposed to last sem where it was 8 hours a week. when i see him, it's like... !!! i've said before, he's not good looking nor does he even try to be so by dressing well, there's nothing special about his personality, but something is just... right. i don't know what it is. there's just a weird charisma about him. hmmm. SIGH. the more i write, the bigger the hole i'm digging for myself. :(

decisions, decisions.

okay, so remember ages ago when i mentioned i had a main and an alternative? well, they're sort of on par with each other these days. why? well, i was slightly intoxicated on my birthday and the alternative was really sweet and looked after me and stuff, and i can't just disregard all that. since that night, i can't stop thinking about him. i was wholly convinced that i was over the main. then he fb messaged me yesterday, asking why i kept quickly going online then offline because it was annoying him that every time he tried talking to me i'd go offline. i thought that was really sweet. then we messaged back and forth for a while, and now i think about him a lot too! :(

the behavior of both can be simply attributed to the fact that they're both just really nice guys... but then there's always that girly part of me that says: 'hey, both these guys are really smart and clever... it seems unlikely that they would say/do things without thinking about what their actions are implying.'

now i don't know what to do. i feel so noob.

i'll put photos from my 21st up soon, along with pictures of presents and stuff so that they can all be immortalized on the internet! :D

sorry for the lack of posts (alternatively, the few shoddy posts) that i've written lately. i promise i'll be back to form soon.

xx.