i really can't help that i come across as being weird.

hi all!

biochem was awful! :(

but thirteen days till tegan and sara! :D

anyways.

okayy. well. i've just been having a back and forth messaging thing with this person... those who know me well will know that i do this. a lot. :)

and well, i guess it's due to my overuse of full stops but i think i've just come across as seriously strange? possibly mentally disturbed? hrmm. maybe not that far, but DEFINITELY strange. and now i feel kind of silly... because i can reread what i've written and then feel like: 'ohh, i see now why they think what i said was so weird! xD'

i know it's a really odd thing to write on a blog but i needed to throw it out there. i can't help that i 'sound' different online to when you actually see me in person. although you might find me just as odd then. i can't really promise you anything.

but the inaccuracy of technological communication is really an issue. when i write that i'm ROFL-ing, surely people understand that i'm not literally 'rolling on floor laughing'. like, i'm LAUGHING but not to the same extent.

you reading what i write probably sounds very different to what i think i sound like when i write. it would be wonderful for people to understand that! i'm a naturally loud and random person.

if i appear quiet and reserved around you in person it could be due to the following reasons:

a. i'm sleepy.

b. i'm hungry.

c. i don't feel uncomfortable enough around you to be myself.

if i'm (a) then just leave me alone and i'll be better the next day. if i'm (b) then feed me. obviously. if i'm (c)... well, you'll just have to wait. i eventually open up to everyone. or become more open anyway. i'm not a hard person to get along with. just be patient.

although once i start being myself, i don't shut up so your choice. :)

i'm not one to always give you compliments. i don't pretend to be nice. i don't say things i don't mean. i'm not the naive silly schoolgirl stereotype that has become so common these days.

i enjoy being an individual and i think it's important. be what you want to be. look how you want to look. who cares what anyone else thinks?

if they can't accept you for exactly what you are then what can you do? don't change to make yourself acceptable to them because then you're not you anymore. and nothing's more important than that. truly.

i do not grow out my hair because i like it short. i don't care if i share the style with guys!

i will not wear fancy and uncomfortable clothes to uni like some girls *cough*FOBS!*cough* do. i will wear what makes me feel happy and comfy.

i cannot pretend to like people. it's a serious problem. if i dislike you then that's PRETTAY much it.

that's me. you can choose to befriend me if you like. it's upto you. i won't force you to. even if you do and then later abandon me, i won't be surprised.

it's what i expect of most people these days.

as a very wise friend once said: 'i'm a selfish person. i think about me because i figure that you have a brain too.' thanks ningnangnong. :)

hrmmm. my entries just keep getting more depressing. i should really do something about that...

going out tomorrow night. can't really be bothered. but i should. my friend has a one-alcoholic-drink-limit-before-she-has-no-idea-what's-going-on syndrome. it's pretty funny. but she'll need someone to look after her. and seeing as though i have a higher alcohol tolerance (although i've never pushed myself, i know i can take more than her), it looks like it's gonna be me.

didn't study at all tonight. crap. oh wells.

added note: i never realised how creepy coloured contacts can look on asians. i don't think god ever intended to mix artificial blue irises with black hair, high cheekbones and a flat nose. it was for a good reason.

new found optimism.

hello friends.

i'm really sorry about the last entry. cracks were just splitting on me and i needed to vent. i'm feeling better today. :)

i found a really good quote from an unexpected source.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

People change so that you can learn to let go,

Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right,

You believe lies so that you'll eventually learn to trust no one but yourself

And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I guess Marilyn Munroe was wiser than she ever led us to believe.

Oh, the look on your face if you ever read this...

People just make me so angry sometimes. I'm so angry that I didn't even say 'hello' at the beginning of this entry.

Sorry...

Hello! :)

Anyways. Some people just think that things just go back to how they were by them going 'oh hey, let's catch up tomorrow at so-and-so time...'

If i wanted to talk to you, i would've taken the initiative to do so a long time ago. take the hint.

just because you're all of a sudden willing to talk to me again doesn't mean i'm going to come running back to you. you'd have to be a self-absorbed, vain piece of crap to think that.

i get upset not because you don't talk to me but because i was stupid enough to think i wanted to be anything like you. i regret that ever had anything to do with you.

look what you've made me become.

i hate you for always blaming me for every rift that occurs between us. i hate you more for making me believe you ever gave a damn about anyone other than yourself. it drives me insane when i think about how you ignored my attempts to communicate with you yet you probably think you're the better person because you say hello back six months later.

fuck you.

having said that, i'll admit life is utterly dull now you've stripped me of anyone i ever called a friend. i knew them before you did. thank you for assisting in the falling apart of my life. thankyou for replacing me with people i used to call my friends. it's only now that i realize they never cared about me anyway.

so yes. it is dull without you there. but then i remember just how plain crappy and shitty it was when you played any sort of role in my life. and my current situation is blissful in comparison.

then you cry 'i cared but you just pushed me away. i never even knew why you stopped talking to me. just because you hate my girlfriend.' my response is to laugh at you and point out that i don't care who you date. i really don't. i have no intention of reproducing with you. you can go fornicate till your heart's content. i don't give a shit.

however i cared when you forgot i existed altogether. i cared when you only called when you wanted something from me. i was stupid enough to tag along with it hoping that you'll one day remember that i was once there at all. once upon a time, i cared.

now, if i could burn your existence out of my brain, i would. truly i would.

as angry as i am with you, i'm angrier with myself. that it took me so long to see you for what you really are. don't expect me to fall into bad habits again.

i never want to be associated with you. i never want anyone to even think that i ever had anything to do with you. you live your life and i'll live my own. don't expect the lines to tangle.

i've always taken the blame in the past because i thought i needed you to be there to look after me. i'm not going to this time. you go run along with all your other minions. i sure as hell am not one of them.

i'll say hello if i see you in the street. i'll ask how you are whenever meeting is inevitable. i'll wish you a happy birthday and a merry christmas every year. but remember this:

our ties have been severed.

i have applied to you what i apply to anything i don't want.

ctrl alt delete.

It started when you realise so much has changed...

Hello all!

I've recently been inspired to start blogging properly again. :)

GENERAL:

So what's new? Umm... a friend managed to motivate me to go for morning walk/jogs. so i'm up at 5:15am these days. which makes me uber tired during the day but i don't feel guility about not exercising anymore so it's good. and i have random people in cars giving me the thumbs up as i walk. ... i don't know whether that's a positive or worrying point. Uni's been okayy... there's so much work! i spend so much time studying and i'm not even good at it! it's so frustrating... didn't do as well in my anatomy mst as i should've. oh well! just gotta try harder next time. :)

STUFF (a.k.a. the more depressing stuff i usually write about):

well, it's been sometime now that i've just been floating in a state of semi-existence. there but not. amongst others yet invisible at the same time. everyone that you used to call a friend seems so far away and too busy to give you some time... go back two years. everything was so different.

i haven't spoken to most of my closest high school friends for months. and even when you bump into them, they don't really want to talk to you anymore. and you don't want to ask them why. possibly because you don't want to hear what they're going to say. some lame excuse about how they've been too busy, when they've been seeing some of the others. you know.

out of school friends that were so close they felt more like your family than your friends. they don't care anymore. too wrapped up in themselves. i finally see them for what they are: selfish, illogical, mean, mean people. and i was once one of them. it's a scary thought.

but somedays you feel like running back to them. just to belong to something. someone. anyone. and then you remember that you're better than that. that things are this way for the best and life goes on. then why does it hurt when they don't even acknowledge you anymore...?

torn between the depressing truth and the beautiful lies, which do you choose?

i'm sure you're thinking, what about new friends? sure. i have new friends. and they're awesome. fun and all. but they just kind of don't feel the same... i love them and all but i don't think i'm at that stage where i can be completely myself around them yet. i mean, it took me so SO long to even me myself around high school friends...

it's actually quite funny. i think everyone at uni thinks i'm really quiet and reserved. anyone of my friends from times past would say the complete opposite. example: my friend was giving me a lift to a gathering and we almost got in an accident because i was talking so much and he got distracted. that was like, 2 weeks ago. oops. i apologised though!!

i just feel like the whole world's angry with me and i don't know what i can do to make it stop. sometimes i feel like putting my head under a pillow and just screaming till it hurts. emo, yes i know. very. ... but not like EMO emo. just kinda emooo. cough.

but yeah... it's not a pleasant experience. i try to focus my energy on studying instead of thinking about it but i'm not good academically anymore. i don't know what's wrong with me...

Hammers and Strings.

Give me something to believe in,

A breath from the breathing,

Write it down, I don't think that I'll close my eyes,

Lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping?

It's just that at night I've got nowhere to hide.

I know I'm not crazy... Just lost my will.

Joy

I’m going in search of the adventure of being alive.

And it’s complicated: why am I not looking for happiness when everyone has taught me that happiness is the only goal worth pursuing?

Why am i going to risk taking a path that no one else is taking?After all, what is happiness?

Love, they tell me. But love doesn’t bring and never has brought happiness.

On the contrary, its a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; its sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we’re doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstacy and agony.All right then, peace.

Peace? If we look at the Mother, she’s never at peace. The winter does battle with the summer, the sun and d moon never meet, the tiger chases the man, who’s afraid of the dog, who chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.

Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop work. But then they’re more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that’s true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money wont necessarily bring happiness.I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness, now what i want is joy.

Joy is like sex – it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contended, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.

Paulo Coelho

lost.

you get to a point in time where you realise that you're simply lost. there's just no other way to explain it. what are you doing? why are you here? you feel perplexed even when asked for what makes you happy. who knows. i don't.

you feel empty. soulless. sitting in a boat, sailing to no destination. but then why sail in the first place? why put that foot into the boat? at first you think that you just prefer the solitude. and you do. you prefer it but it doesn't make you happy. being with others definitely doesn't either. that makes you even less happy.

you're stuck in limbo. feeling displaced. a disembodied eye. you belong but you're detached. you're the piece of the puzzle that will never fit.

so how are you meant to feel? well, luckily you can't feel anything. and no one cares about how you feel either.