One of the boys.

Hi everyone!

I hope everyone is absolutely terrific! Exams are finally over and the sun is shining despite the wind and clouds. Yes, I'm in an optimistic mood today even though I've got an awful thumping headache at the moment. I think my body's been suppressing pain sensors till exams are over because my back, shoulder and neck pain has amplified by 3-fold over the last two days. It's quite painful trying to get out of bed in the morning. This entry will be fairly long because I haven't written anything proper on here for a little while. :)

My current obsession: Katy Perry. I have no idea how it came about but I've been listening to her debut album (which is quite old now but i'm always a bit behind the times) and it's quite good. I know she's been marketed as, well, one of those girls but some of the songs she didn't release are on a very different level from those that she's best known for. I have nothing against 'I Kissed a Girl'. At first I thought, 'society has hit a new low...' but now I kind of feel like it's a good thing for that kind of theme to be exposed. There's nothing wrong with homosexuality or bisexuality and it's being accepted much more freely these days compared to a decade ago. But let's not talk about that now. :)

There are some really good songs on the album, like 'One Of The Boys' and 'Mannequin.' I think I liked the title song because it was something that I could kind of relate to. It's just about how a girl likes a guy but he considers her as one of his guy mates as opposed to a girl. So she decides to become more girly and finds herself at the center of every guys' attention, in which case he'll just have to take a spot in line like everyone else. I can relate to the first part. There's been many a time where I feel like a should just become insanely girly to get the attention of some guy but I could never bring myself to do it. It may be the Disney approach to life but the right person for me should just accept me as I am. Initially anyway. I'm sure we all change a little bit to adapt to the people around us and they do the same for us. I just don't want to become someone I never wanted to be.

I finally managed to watch the entirety of '500 Days of Summer.' It was my third attempt. Yes, I'm awesome, I know. I think you have to be in the right mindset to watch a movie like that. It was just coincidence that some friends of mine have recently come out of relationships and can't seem to let go. I just love Summer's character. Again, probably because I can relate to how she feels. She states her situation in the movie and it was like, summing up how I feel about relationships in a few words:

"I like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and save the serious stuff for later."

Perfect.

It's very true. Or it's true with my perspective. One day, I'll probably find the 'right' person and all this will go out the window but, for now, this is how I feel about it. I don't go around looking for something that might not be there. If it's meant to find me then it will, whether I'm looking for it or not. I refuse to be pressured into it. I'd like to think that one day I'll just wake up and just know. However, life is 90% fate and 10% choice. Fate only takes you a certain distance and you have to do the rest. In a way, your choice is apart of fate so you could argue that life is 100% fate. Choice really could be nothing, you'd never know what could've happened if you had chosen something else because it's really just not possible to know. I think it's a waste to focus so much of your energy chasing this person or that person. There should only be a select few that ever enter your real world.

I've said it in one of my previous blogs. I have no idea what it feels like to really like anyone anymore. I just can't remember. It's been so long. Sure, I'll have random moments every few months where I think that I like someone but I don't. It's very frustrating. Probably more so for the other person because I'll seem really keen one day and wake up completely disinterested the next. People do get hurt and that doesn't make the impulse worth acting upon. Of course, you can't stay guarded forever but I want to be able to carefully choose who I want to play a part in my life. The process is long and painful.

But life really is too short... and if you can't be happy right now, then when can you? Screw all the misery and complication. You generally create it for yourself. Never over-think. Take a moment at a time. Every moment has something to smile about, you just have to open your mind to it. Run wild, be happy, laugh and giggle. Moments of pain are created in your head. If it's created in there, it can be destroyed in there too.

Don't force things to happen. Go with the flow and you'll end up exactly where you're meant to be.

xx.

The first star I see may not be a star. I can't do a thing but wait so let's wait for one more... - For Me This Is Heaven by Jimmy Eat World. One of my all-time favourite songs.

Wise words from Thumper...

Bambi was one of my favourite movies as a kid and i was recently talking to someone who made me think of that quote. i was quite happy to find that so many people had uploaded it to youtube. i feel like watching bambi now. :)

i hope everyone is well! this is just a random post between listening to lectures that are really bleghhh... MAP = CO x TPR. hooray.

anyways, must get back to those physiology lectures *shudders*.

have a lovely week! i hope new zealand get totally romped tonight! :)

i still play games on my gameboy colour.

because i'm awesome. that's right. pokemon puzzle challenge will forever amaze me. :D

hello all!

i hope everyone is well.

i'm once again struggling to find inspiration to catch up on studies... even though i've been on lecture 17 of physiology for about 2 months now. sigh. at least there's only one exam left! :)

today i thought i'd give everyone a bit of insight into my pessimism.

i'm a natural pessimist. i've probably been this way my whole life but it wasn't till about halfway through high school that people would actually point it out to me. or maybe it started around that time... the trend of emo music and all (ha.)... but yes. i'm a negative thinker. not about people's potential or anything but just on life generally.

i have difficultly understanding why we're stuck in the same cycle as the numerous generations before us. here is how i lay life out.

1. you go to school to learn and distinguish yourself from others to get into uni.

2. you get into uni to continue studying so that one day you'll get a great job.

3. you get a great job. your aim now is to make lots of money. because EVERYONE knows money will make you happy (sarcasm intended there). i don't wholly believe people when they say they work their job because it's something they enjoy and money doesn't matter. money always matters. it's really sad.

4. you make heaps of money so that you can support your family, if you choose to start one. your plan is to make heaps of money because, even though your prime days are over, you can make those of your children easier by providing them with money.

5. but your kids won't need your money. they'll find their own jobs. they'll look after themselves. they're not going to want to have you buying their groceries when they're on the wrong side of 30.

6. you die. leaving all this excess money behind for your kids. you kids who are going through the exact same cycle as you: school, work, money, family, die. so basically, we just never progress beyond that.

you end up working really hard in the hope that your children will make something of themselves one day but the chances are that they'll just end up doing the same thing as you in spending their lives supporting their own kids who in turn will just support their kids.

it makes me confused.

is that all my life is meant to be?

maybe that's why i've been so down lately. it's a combination of so very many things. but despite being this kind of person, i don't push these ideas on other people. i think that people deserve to be happy. over the years, i've made a large effort to ensure that i don't say negative things around others. if someone asks me if something they did was the right thing to do even though they ended up sad, i'll respond: 'it least you won't always be asking 'what if'.' because it's really about trying to find the upside in everything. i'm a pessimist towards life philosophy but an optimist in action. just because i feel sad doesn't mean i drag everyone else down too. that's not fair. so i put on a happy face and laugh at any given opportunity. and sometimes this makes me forget how sad i can feel inside.

it's all in the moment.

spending time with people who elevate your spirits is important. i enjoy spending time with people that don't think too much because they're so different from myself. i think an increase in random people would make the world a better place.

in the midst of war and financial frustration, everyone needs to smile and let go every now and then. don't vent out your anger towards others. it only brings them down too. they're probably going through enough of their own problems without having to worry about yours as well. instead, try to be that person that lightens up the mood of the entire room just by walking in. those people make me feel happy, so i try to be one of them to make others feel happy. :)

that's enough from me for now. i still feel like writing so i might add another entry later on tonight.

stay warm and enjoy the wonderful football gracing our televisions! xx.

You've been acting awful tough lately, smoking a lot of cigarettes lately. But inside, you're just a little baby. It's okay to say you've got a weak spot. You don't always have to be on top. Better to be hated than to be loved for what you're not. You're vulnerable, you are not a robot. - I Am Not a Robot by Marina and the Diamonds.

sway sway baby, oh you're so audio...

what does that line even mean? silly short stack... tsk tsk.

(written 12/06)

HELLO!

this post is really random but i needed to kill a bit of time before i go get my hair cut. really liking something like this:




but it might be a bit too short for my round and chubby face. :(

i was on youtube and randomly came across short stack's song 'sway sway baby'. and i'll admit. i actually quite like it when guys wear skinny jeans... or slightly fitted jeans. AS LONG AS you have the right body for it. you have to be thin (but not lanky or stick like) and you have to be of like, normal-ish height. if you're too tall, you look stupid. if you're too short, you look stupid. the short stack guys look gross. *shudders*

WORLD CUP ANYONE!? i'm SO excited! i watched the RSA vs. MEX match last night and, even though i don't really know either team nor did i really care who won, it was still so good! can't wait to head up to fed square on monday morning to watch the socceroos play against the germans. sure, it may be unlikely that we'll win but who cares? although i'd say a team with a guy who's got an awesome lean body and ink like this can't possibly lose:



i shall also admit that i do like it when guys have ink. mmm...


(written 13/06)
totally forgot to post the last entry, hence why it's above. ><
i got my hair cut! it's uberly short on one side... pretty much shaved. attracted some odd looks while working today. LOL.

totally need to study right now! so i've like, blown off everyone. sorry if i've been a bitch and not talking to you, exam stress really does get the best of me.

really should be resting right now so that i can get up at 3am to go to fed square for the aussie opener. rather excited about it! even though kewell and bresciano aren't included in the first 11. slightly worrying. hrmmm.

i bumped into my past today. it was angela, the owner of my high school canteen. aka my second mum while i was there. she was looking for a new mattress with her husband, frank. they're two of the nicest people i've ever met in my life! i have no idea what i would've done without angela back in high school! some girls and i would always hang around the canteen after school and chat with her. she gave us free food too (ftw!)! but most importantly she always looked after me when i was upset, which was much too often. especially during VCE. it wasn't exactly infrequent that i'd show up there crying for one reason or another. study, stress, stupid teachers, leadership responsibilities... she'd always take me inside and make me eat and laugh to cheer me up. she always knew what to do! but i miss her hugs the most. it was so nice to get one from her today! it was a total blast from the past. i had to apologise for not seeing her since i finished yr12. i've been wanting to go back, but i don't think visiting settings of past glory would be a good thing for me right now. life's gone downhill a fair bit since i left that place of security... i'm scared of walking through the gates and just breaking down. i miss my former life.

but as much as i miss it, i know i shouldn't dwell on it. it's unhealthy mentally for me. i've been feeling the effects. i'm not as cheery anymore. it's really bad. and i've got nothing to distract myself from it.

bumping into angela made me feel a lot better even though i didn't have a d&m with her or anything. it was kind of like, the past saying hello. it hadn't forgotten about me and it'll always be there. i just have to find the strength and will to push forward.

xx.

Sometimes it seems the going is just too rough and things go wrong no matter what I do. Now and then it seems like life is just too much, but you've got the love I need to see me through. - You've Got the Love, Florence + the Machine.

so tired...

hello...!! ... zzz....

i'm so sleepy right now but i thought i'd write this quick entry before i pass out from lack of sleep.

i had my anatomy exam yesterday and my biochem exam today. i wish i could say they went well but they were both rather awful. my own fault for not studying properly. lack of motivation really is a killer.

but other than that and the fact that i'm completely exhausted, i had a pretty good day. after the exam i went to bimbo's for $4 pizza (FTW!) with nick, gabbi, steph, emma and deb. it was really fun despite the effect of the enormous can of monster i semi-finished prior to my exam wearing off. i then crashed VU on flinders street to catch up with kathleen and lyn because i hadn't seen them for ages and really missed them, especially kathleen. we took the train home to northies afterwards. following that i just walked aimlessly around the shopping centre till mum was ready to go home. and now i'm just really tired. but i wanna watch glee (♥ puck) so i'm gonna try to make it to 9:30pm. :)

i'm currently just trying to follow my own advice from the last entry and not to worry about things so much. everything has their own way of working out. you'll win some and you'll lose some but, in the end, it should be the journey and adventure along the way that really matters.

if people don't want to talk to me or have gotten over the novelty of my presence, then so be it. it was fun while it lasted.

on a different note, kathleen gave me her macbook to play on while they were finishing up class. it felt so weird. even though it was a mac it just felt so different! there was a slight lag (i think), the screen resolution was a bit less than what i was used to, keyboard felt bigger and it still had a clicker-thing! i kept tapping the pad, waiting for a new window to load, and thinking that it was broken!! it just shows how attached i've gotten to my macbook pro. loves it ever so much! BFF! never had a more technologically fulfilling 6 months. :)

oh, i came across a really good website for shoes. i got really excited about it. once i start getting some sort of income again i shall invest in some. they're not designer but just some simple designs. really cheap too! bakersshoes.com :D

haha, i was talking to kathleen earlier about my relationship skepticism. she shook her head in disapproval. LOL. i love her so much. :)

will write another entry very soon. sorry this one was so abstract and all over the joint. >< xx. currently love my:
Alice in the Eve black jumper with a sequin bow at the front. it's so cute. :)



maybe you would've been something i'd be good at. but now, we'll never know. i won't be sad but in case i go there everyday, to make myself feel bad. there's a chance i'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do. - Call It Off - T&S

pfft.

hello!

i hope exam-stress isn't devouring everyone like it is me. although that's kinda my fault for leaving everything last minute, literally. yeah... :( it's unlikely that i'll fail, but i just won't get good marks. will probably just pass. guess i'll have to make up for it next semester. which is slightly even more worrying.

not much to say. because i don't know what to say. or how to say it. i just felt the need to write something.

i had a philosophical chat with my brother today, which was quite interesting.

i've said it for a while but i've never been more determined to listen to my own advice. just go with the flow. things that are meant to happen will happen and those that aren't won't for a reason. thinking about things that are beyond your control is a waste of time and energy. something that you definitely don't have to spare. some will love you and others hate you. but at the end of the day, who cares?

a lot has happened over the past 7 months. i guess i'm just still trying to find out who i am.

xx.

For Me This Is Heaven

The first star I see may not be a star.
We can't do a thing but wait.
So let's wait for one more.
The time, such clumsy time, in deciding if it's time.
I'm careful but not sure how it goes.
You can lose yourself in your courage.
The mindless comfort grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.
This is what she says gets her through it:
"If I don't let myself be happy now, then when?
If not now, when?"
When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes round again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?
Close my eyes and believe wherever you are, an angel for me.

- For Me This Is Heaven, Jimmy Eat World

Andrew McMahon's favourite song. ♥

I just love the line 'If I don't let myself be happy now, then when?' It's so simple yet so hard to do. So logical, but no one does it.

Songs express how I feel everyday. It's my form of catharsis. It's like expressing how I feel without saying a word. I never cease to be amazed by how so many different instruments played at the same time can make something so beautiful. I love trying to listen to just one instrument in a song and imagine how different the song would song if that sound wasn't there. Music is the perfect example of harmony. You can't take out any component and have the same thing. You can't speed up something and have the rest at a different pace. Everything just needs to work together.

A vocalist is just another instrument. The words sung are just more notes added to the composition. It's simply mind-blowing how lyrics and music compliment each other so perfectly.

Listen to the song above and you'll know exactly what I mean.

I love how music can make you happy, sad, nostalgic or want to cry. Every now and then you come across a melody or a lyric or a beat that seems to feel just like how you feel. I love these moments. It feels like the world is trying to tell me that it knows exactly what I'm going through and that it's going through the same thing.

xx.

i shouldn't have to think so hard before saying something

hi!

i hope everyone is well and enjoying the rather pretty weather outside while i'm inside.

this is just a really quick entry because i just needed to vent about something.

okay, for the past few months i've been getting to know an acquaintance of mine better. awesome person, really funny and all. but i just get the impression that they're easily peeved off so i have to think really really hard about everything i say before i say it. which makes conversation absolutely EXHAUSTING! and i don't even say much simply because i'm scared they'll take offense and get angry at me. i sent them a random message yesterday just because, yeah, i do that and today they were angry with people for randomly messaging them? just to put it out there: i really hope they're not angry with me because the message was purely random and i had no intention of making them look for me. if i wanted to find you to study with then i would've just said: 'are you at uni? can i come study with you? where are you?' because i would go to them and not make them come to me. but that would've been stupid anyway considering it was like, 6:30pm and i was rocking up to uni.

i would really like to friends with this person but at the same time i'm kinda scared of them? not because they're really scary but i just feel like i have to be careful about what i say. like, i can't say too much in fear that they might read this but i have really mixed feelings towards them. ... interpret that anyway you like. :P

now i just sound like a self-centred loser who thinks that everything is about her. sigh. i just can't get a win, can i? =="

on a much lighter note, i went out for dinner last night at Izakaya Den on Russell st in the city. it was really nice. it deserves a proper entry so i'll write it up when i next have time. :)

also got some shoes yesterday in my procrastination. :)