Please be patient with me. I'm trying my hardest.

I love you.

My emotions are still fluctuating day to day, minute to minute. Sometimes I hate you with every bone in my body, other times I'm upset and disappointed.

But this is how I feel right now.

I miss you. More than I'd ever admit to anyone. I miss you so much.

I wake up everyday with a hundred things I wish I could say to you. But I know it'd all fall on deaf ears.

So many questions, but I'm not brave enough to hear the answers so I just won't ask.

I dream of you turning up and saying: 'Hey. I was an idiot. I know what I want now. I want you and I'm going to fight for this like I should've from the start. No one makes me feel as excited about life and a new day like you do. I'm sorry it took me so long to come around, but I'm here now.'

I can't bear to look at you. I don't trust myself enough yet. Because I know I'll try and throw myself into your arms and beg you to try and feel something for me again.

I remember the last time so clearly. As I lay beneath you, you shed that maroon shirt that I love so much, and I felt your skin against mine. I thought to myself: 'How could I be so lucky? He is amazing and perfect. I could die in this moment and I'd be happy. He's here with me right now, and he is beautiful.' I wonder if your mind replays any of these memories like mine does.

I'm miserable without you. But I hope you're happy. I'm broken and defeated, but all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. If me not being in the picture anymore gets you there, then that's alright. I still stand by every word I've ever said about everything, and I hope that at least some of it got through to you. We could've been happy together, you know. You saw that too. But then you didn't want to see it, and I guess I'll never understand why.

I never wanted to make you do anything you didn't want to do, and I hope you realise that. That's the difference between me and her. I hoped for you to grow and make your own decisions. I wanted you to have confidence in yourself because, for some reason, you seem so void of it. The last few years have not brought out the best in you, and I don't want you to go back to that. But if I'm not what you want, then I accept it. Because I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. But honestly, I think that, deep down, going back isn't what you want either.

I've realised recently that you fear change. Baby, don't be scared. It helps you grow and find better things in life. Adapt to it and make a better version of yourself. Even if it seems tough right now. Learn to leave behind things that stopped making you happy, and chase after the right things for the right reasons. Stop trying to wind back the clock to who you were 4 years ago. You are who you are today for a reason, even if the reason isn't obvious yet.

I don't know what decisions you've made since you left me behind. And I don't want to know because I'm not strong enough to hear it. You know I'll never support you going back and we've discussed this at length. I hope you haven't settled. I hope you're beginning to realise that you deserve more than you think you do. That missing familiarity isn't a justified reason to undo decisions you thought long and hard about. That you should be fighting for something passionate and exciting instead. I hope you learn to make your own decisions and then trust them. Don't let others decide your life for you. Pave your own pathway. Let go of the life you thought you'd have, so you can have the life you never expected. Take risks. Jump into the deep end knowing that there's always a way out if you choose to push forward. Don't fear change, embrace it. Don't go running back to something that stopped pushing you to grow, and instead search for something that brings out the best in you.

You still have a lot of growing up to do and a lot to learn about yourself. You need to know yourself before you can figure out what you want. Loving yourself comes before loving anyone else. I hope you find yourself and all that self-love that a person your age should have. I think your situation for the last decade seems to have robbed you of it, and that's really not healthy, you know? Don't live a life laid out for you by someone else. Take control of your own life.

I once lay in bed late at night, and prayed for your happiness. I said I'd trade all of mine if it meant that you could be. So I hope you're happy. I hope that you find yourself one day, and realise what we could be. Come find me if you're ever ready to give this another go. You know I'd hold your hand again in a heartbeat.

I miss you and I love you. I'm sorry I just never had the courage to say it.