see yourself through my eyes.

you're perfect.

except for the fact that you don't fall for girls like me.

becoming real.

i just rewatched the film 'Up In The Air.' i first watched it a couple of weeks ago in my post-semester boredom and found that a lot of its themes struck me quite strongly, being the introverted person that i am. if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend it; george clooney and anna kendrick give terrific performances. but what i'm most interested in are the messages portrayed. i'm not going to elaborate on this though because that's boring. :)


anyone who knows me well will probably know that i don't believe that much in relationships. i suppose, more correctly, i don't believe that i should depend so heavily on being in one. some people just get so hooked on it, you know? it wasn't till i viewed this film for a second time that something one of the characters said clicked with me: i don't hate people, i just don't like the idea of them tying me down. i guess i had a mini-epiphany over that. i'm not against relationships, i'm all for it. it's just going to take the right person to convince me that they're a good enough reason for me to settle.


the film is apparently heavily tied in with a children's book called 'The Velveteen Rabbit.' i grew up in a very asian family and so i didn't read a whole lot of Western style bedtime stories but this is supposed to be quite a good one. i quickly googled and looked it up on wikipedia. if you haven't read the book, i suggest you do the same. i hope i can come across it one day now because i'd really love to read it. :)


this particular line was quoted in a short analysis i read and i just felt like it held so much meaning that i had to post it somewhere incase i ever forgot about it (even though this post will be copied over to my blogger anyways). it is something that is said to the velveteen rabbit when he is searching for ways to become 'real' instead of just being a toy:


"Real isn't how you are made . . . It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real. It takes a long time. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


just food for thought. :)

catch up post!

hi everyone!

first of all, my apologies for not posting in a while... exams finished so i found myself spending less and less time in front of a computer. it was a nice change. plus my 21st was close, i was recovering from mild gastro and having to entertain my brother's kids while they were in town. so i thought i'd throw together this catch up post to make some sort of amends.

on second thought, i'm really sleepy. i'll write it for y'all tomorrow. :)

goodnight!

360.

they say that doors sometimes have to close for new ones to be opened. i know a door recently closed for me, but i didn't realise that an old one would reopen.


i feel like i've come a long way only to find myself back where i began. maybe it's a sign. only time will tell.


praying for some idea of what i should do now. something. anything.


please.

worst time to feel sick EVER.

so i had my politics exam yesterday. unfortunately i woke up feeling really sick but went to the exam anyways. i honestly cannot remember a word of what i wrote, so it probably wasn't very good. fingers crossed that i'll still pass but i really don't know...

my sickness has carried onto today. which is really quite terrible because my biotech exam is tomorrow and quite frankly, i've done next to nothing in terms of preparation for it. so i don't know what to do.

i guess i can apply for special consideration... :(

oh, did i mention my birthday's next week? it's crept up on me so sneakily!

i can't stop my mind from drifting and thinking about him sometimes. although i'll admit that it's much less now than what it was during semester. so much for 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' i wish i had the courage just to say what's on my mind to him...

i hope you're all well (unlike me). xx.

lipsyncing.

so, i have my politics exam tomorrow. and i've just spent the last two hours lipsyncing to random songs on my itunes. FML.

cramming for politics.

hey everyone,

it's 3:10am and i'm sitting here trying to cram for my politics exam on wednesday. thankfully we only have to write on two topics, so i only need to study three of them (three just to be safe). praying that i'll know enough to write a couple of decent essays. i'm currently regretting not putting more work into the subject throughout semester because i know i would've enjoyed it immensely. but i had a terribly messed up semester due to the gamsat and all, so i guess it was unavoidable. i'll be free after friday is over and i can't wait. my biotech exam will hopefully not be too bad... i'm sitting on an average of 70% which is nice to know, considering i was on pretty much 50% for pharm theory prior to the exam. terrible, i know!

but yes, i just thought i'd write a quick post so you all know what i'm up to. argh, i have no idea what sort of essays they want for this silly exam... they were so vague about it! i miss mps from last year... *frown*

oh, if anyone gets the chance, they should watch the commencement speech that conan o-brien did recently. it's really quite good.

alas, my leg has fallen asleep. =.="

i hope everyone is well! xx

have a lovely day!

so sometimes people give me weird looks when i try to be friendly to people working in retail. for example, when i buy something, i always try to wish the person behind the counter a lovely day.

i do this not because i'm crazy or trying to come across as cute, but because i work in retail myself and i really like it when people say things like that to me. it gets really boring and dull after a few hours of work, serving people who think you're some sort of automaton. they often don't say thank you or ask how you are. whenever i do get someone who asks me how i am, says thank you with my name (i wear a name badge) or wishes me a good day or weekend, it always cheers me up a bit.

so whenever i shop or buy something to eat, i try to remember to do these little things. it doesn't take very much effort. and if the people are like me, they'll get a bit of joy out of it. :)

xx

i guess you'll never know.

i found the courage to approach you for a hug today. it wasn't even a proper hug. i was juggling so many things that it ended up as a semi-hug. either way, you were soft and warm. i told you that you smelt really good. i wasn't lying.

then the moment was rather destroyed by the pretty girl in our class, who swung her arms around your neck and gave you the hug that i should've. i turned my face and walked away. you see, it's quite funny. that's usually my role. i restrain myself around you because i don't want to look like a fool. when you started talking to her, i left you alone and walked off to my seat. i'm polite like that.

i felt happy at first because i thought you might've been happy to see me. i felt annoyed at the girl for stealing seconds away from time i would've spent with you. i didn't care that it probably would've only been another 20 or so. she ruined the moment.

but then i realised something. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry about it. i realised that i probably ruined your moment with her. she's really pretty. extraordinarily so, in fact. you saw her and were walking towards her, when you were interrupted by me calling your name. you probably didn't want that hug from me, you were looking forward to the one she was going to give you. but no, i had to choose that moment. you were probably cursing me in your head, wondering how this would affect your chances with the pretty girl. it all makes so much sense now.

after the exam, you didn't even speak to me even though we walked together in the same group. i can excuse you for that, i was walking with my friend and i'm sure we were chatting away. but then i saw her again. you two walked out of the building together. guess it didn't matter what happened to me, just another person in the crowd to you.

i don't know what to say now. it'd be a lie to say that i didn't think this was going to happen. you were always too good for me. i've done nothing in my life to deserve you.

i don't hate you. i don't harbour bad feelings against you despite the way i'm feeling now. my eyes watered up while writing this post. can you believe that? i have never cried over a guy before, much less a guy that didn't even do any thing to consciously hurt me. i guess that's just how much i like you.

here's the sad thing: i'm probably going to still like you, even though my chances are slim at very best. i'll hold it all in, cross my fingers and hope for what seems impossible.

i'm not going to see you for a month and a half now. that's a long time. a long time in which many things can happen.

i really like you. i really do. it's been a very long time since i've felt this determined and attached to someone. it's been so long that i didn't think myself capable of it anymore. that the feeling had died within me during those darker days i used to have. you came along and made me smile. you made me believe that there are people in world who are good, who deserve to be treated well and don't just drag everyone around them down. you gave me a glimpse of the optimistic version of myself that i thought had been dragged through dirt and lost by people who weren't very nice. i think i'm starting to find her again.

i know that i don't look like a supermodel. i know i'm rounder than i should be, that i don't dress up or wear a face of makeup. i don't make my hair look nice everyday. i can't compete with girls who look perfect. God didn't give me any of that. but he did give me the will to love unconditionally those that i feel are deserving of my affection. he gave me the ability to put on a smile and make the people around me laugh regardless of how broken and upset i feel inside. i'd like to think those qualities should be of greater value than being able to look amazing in a short skirt.

you're a real diamond. it's a shame that i can't find the courage to let you know.

i wish i could give you up but i know i can't. i know i'm going to lose and that it's going to be a blow to my dignity, but i think i'm going to choose to go down fighting. it's not over till it's over.

one down...

... and three to go.

today's exam was okay. i wouldn't go so far as saying i totally blitzed it but in all honesty i don't think i could've done anything more. so that set me in a rather good mood for the remainder of the day. :D

had a crepe afterwards with tom, nick, dave, horton and georgia... well sort of. we kind of all went there together, bought crepes then nick left shortly before tom and myself. spent some time with tom. love that kid.

it was funny because i while i was walking with him, i thought i'd just let him i know about the person i sort of like at the moment (the person hasn't changed). and it was so anti-climatic because he's like: 'yeah. i already know.'

m: 'what! did nick tell you?'
t: 'no.'
m: 'well, how on earth do you know!?'
t: 'i can just tell.'
m: 'what do you mean you can just tell!?'
t: 'i dunno! i could just tell.'
m: 'omfg. do i make myself that obvious?' *expression of shock and horror*
t: 'no. i think i've just known you too long and i can tell when you like someone. i know what your mannerisms become like.'

i found that interesting... after i found it horrifying, obviously. i really hope i'm not too obvious in my attachment... that would be so devastating. especially when i'm pretty sure the feelings aren't mutual. he looked a bit weathered out today, but seemed as sweet as ever. :)

i'm currently meant to be studying for my exam tomorrow morning, but i don't think that it's really possible to study for it. so i don't know what i'm going to do... hopefully it's not too bad.

sometimes all you can do is hope.

i hope every one is well! xx

some sort of relief.

remember that day i had a while ago, where i was simply freaking out? where i left an assignment till last minute to do? then broke down into utter despair because i felt so ashamed of what i had submitted?

well, results came back.

i honestly didn't want to look at it. i was 100% sure that i had gotten 10/25 at very most.

i didn't even end up looking at it.

my friend texted me my result. =="

i got 18/25. i was pretty ecstatic about that. :D

a little bit of pressure is lifted from biotech at least... :)

doomed. once again.

i always say to myself during every single swotvac period that i will never leave all my studying to do at the last minute ever again. then i find myself doing the exact same thing six months on. SIGH.

currently freaking out about my pharm exam on thursday. if the questions are fairly broad then i'll be fine, but if they ask for specifics then i have no idea what i'll do... :(

i hate uni.

end rant.