dammit.

ah, blink 182. up all night is so very awesome. i had the guitar riff in my head alll morning... :D

anyways, nothing special to update you guys with today... although i have been finding the former alternative all pretty again because he's starting to bulk up. yes, i'm fickle like that.

i hope you're all well! xx

emotionless?

okay. so today i received what should have been an alarming text message from darling nicholas. it informed me that he had in his view my interest. my interest and a girl from class. my interest and a girl from class eating crepes together. my interest and a girl feeding each other crepes looking 'coupley'.

now, i should've felt really upset. really. i genuinely thought that i liked this guy heaps. like, a lot. so now i'm wondering why i kind of didn't feel anything at all. if anything i was more shocked that this girl was so off my radar that i hadn't even considered her to be a threat of any sort. nerdy-looking and overweight sort of girl. he always gave the impression that he had quite high standards when it came to physical appearances but there you go...

so, i'm concerned for myself. why don't i feel anything? here are the possible answers:

- could nicholas have exaggerated the scene? : maybe there's a part of me that is thinking that nick has exaggerated what he saw and that they were just eating together in a friendly way... hrmm.
- she's not right for him? : maybe i just can't digest that he's with that girl in particular. i've spent time in their company before and i never detected any symptoms of partiality between them. not that i've really even seen them together. i mean, if you're in a relationship, shouldn't you be trying to see the other person fairly often? hrmm.
- he never said anything? : i joke to him all the time about relationships. why hasn't he bothered to say that he has a girlfriend all this time? maybe they're not a couple? hrmm.
- i don't believe it? : maybe i won't believe it till i see it with my own eyes or hear him say it himself.
- maybe i just never really attached myself? : as much as i like/liked him, maybe i don't feel anything because i didn't actually actively pursue him in any way. i hadn't officially made a conquest of him. so i don't really care? hrmm.
- maybe God just didn't give me the ability to attach myself to others.

but yeah. i don't know. even i think it's weird that i don't feel anything. i just don't know.

SEE? during these last few hours, when it really should have hit home, it hasn't. i'm not even upset or anything about him. i'm actually preoccupied thinking about why i don't feel anything rather than be concerned about the situation that has actually occurred.

I'M SUCH A WEIRDO.

seeing.

i thought spending a day without seeing you would be a good thing. so i skipped the class that we have together. i avoided places that you might be. all the while looking over my shoulder in the hope that i would bump into you.

someone else sat where you usually sit today. someone else sat through my whinging, complaining and odd behaviour. they sat with me where we usually sit and for a similar duration of time. it made things so much clearer.

he wasn't you. he didn't make me smile and laugh like you do. he didn't have that positive energy.

it made me miss you, even though we don't even spend that much time together.

i don't care that i'm digging my own grave when it comes to you. i'm in so deep, i can't even remember where i came from.

i wish you knew.

actually, i just wish for the strength to be able to hope that you could possibly feel the same about me.

frustration.

so i know my motto has always been to just 'go with the flow' and 'what will happen will happen' but sometimes you just can't help but have that total lapse in mindset and think 'Why can't this go my way?'

it's annoying and confusing and a world of pointless thinking. i don't even know what i want.

smile.

I know when you have your break on Tuesdays. It's the same as mine. I've spent the last two weeks in your company during that time. But I've had the feeling lately that I'm bothering you. I'm annoying you. So today, I stayed away. I wondered whether I would cross your mind at all.

I went to class typically late. I sat with my friend. I could see you. But I didn't dare message you. I wanted you to relish in your time without me. When class finished, I planned on walking out without saying hello because I wasn't sure whether you'd want to talk to me. We accidentally made eye-contact and I couldn't help but say hi. It's courtesy, right? I walked out with my friend. I stood and chatted with her so that I wouldn't have to say bye to you as you walked out. But you stood and waited for me.

So I walked with you and your friend. You asked where I was going. I had no idea but I told you I had an hour to kill. We then took a detour to the library that had just opened. You asked if I wanted to stay and study there. I was rather confused. We walked out and said bye to your friend. 

So, on the day that I had planned to stay out of your way, I ended up spending an hour with only you anyway. Just like every other Tuesday. 

One thing did bother me. I was reading through the notes you took from today's class when you suddenly tried to grab the book from me, saying that there were things in there that I wasn't allowed to read. Notes between you and your friend. I can't help but think that it's something not nice about me.

You told me that I smile too much. I wonder if you've ever thought about whether I smile that much around people who aren't you.

let's take this back a step.

i think that's exactly what i need to do. i think i've confirmed to myself that i do like this guy. i don't know if it's enough to overcome the little things but for now, let's say it is.

now, how do i make it so that i don't come across as a super hyperactive freak? hmm.

in the last few days i feel like i've made progress. but maybe i haven't. i don't know.

i just have to take a step back. and breathe.

breathe and relax.

relax.