i'll be fine without you.

and it clicks. it shouldn't matter whether or not this guy gives me attention. i'm going to be fine without it and life will continue as it always has.

it is currently 7:32pm. i'm still at the bailieu. will be here til 10-11pm - ish. surprisingly getting a bit done. 2 pharm lectures down, i want to get through 1 more. they take simply forever to go through! it takes me close to two hours to get through one 1 hour lecture... at least i'm understanding more of it now. :)

starting to get hungry. which is slightly worrying because i don't think anything at uni is open at this hour. :S

i'll just have to bite my lip and deal with it. THAT'S RIGHT. i'm building a tough skin! or trying to anyways. haha...

YOU WANNA PLAY THIS GAME!? BRING IT ON!

edit (7:45pm) : omgosh. he reads. he READS! it's like someone is purposely making this hard for me to let go... :(

loaded lyric #1

And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart... I'm hopelessly hopeful you're just hopeless enough... 


I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Up - Fall Out Boy (2006)

one song.

about a girl. can't breathe when i'm around her.

i had forgotten how much i enjoy listening to the academy is... :)

currently at uni, even though i'm on break. i thought i'd try to study up here instead...? maybe it'll be more effective? *COUGH*

i plan to be sitting here till 7:45pm. 

there's a dodgy looking asian man sitting a few carrells down from me... he's just got a camera out and he's taking photos of pages from books. TRES DODGY.

mid sem break fun?!

oh yeah. this looks like it's gonna be fabulous fun...

xx.

somebody please stop me.

please stop me from obsessing over this. i hate myself for doing it. it makes my behaviour so irratic...!

he's so clearly not interested.

happy easter! :D

it's easter sunday. i hope everyone is having a wonderful long weekend full of love and happiness! :)

i just started my mid-sem break. i should really be studying. but i'm facebook stalking instead. i guess it's proof that you like someone when you get jealous of fb posts they send to other girls. and you get all suspicious when they send a lot to one particular person... and the messages could possibly be interpreted in lovey-dovey ways. yet here i sit. futile and resigned. concluding that maybe he just doesn't like asian girls. or maybe there's something about me that places me in the 'unlikable' category. but that's okay. there's plenty of fish in the sea. plus if something did happen and it ended badly, prac classes could end up extremely awkward.

that's what i tell myself anyway.

i know i said i was over it. but clearly not.

actually i really did think i was over it. then he randomly opened a fb chat box with me yesterday. and made me laugh my head off. i wish all guys were like that. i can see why he'd be popular... from a personality point of view anyhow. he's physically not amazing. pretty average. could afford to lose a tiny bit of weight. but hey, not everyone can look like gsp. he can look quite cute sometimes. and it's those moments that make me all fuzzy inside. add that to some wit that he spins out everyone and then, and i'm lost for words.

but i don't think it'll happen. i guess we'll wait and see what happens. i don't wanna spoil it. i guess winning him in the end doesn't even matter. i miss this feeling. the feeling of wanting to have someone all to yourself. i haven't had it in years and years. sometimes i try to deceive myself and pretend its happening when it really isn't. i guess i just miss those days as a 16 year old where the feeling would come and go so often. it just doesn't come along too often these days.

i also, however, do not wish to invent things in my head. i hope it doesn't blind me to his indifference. i don't want to create 'signs' or whatever from him when they're not really there. i think it's a common trap that girls will fall into. he can be so cute sometimes though...

i suppose i consciously try to restrict myself from talking to him too often. firstly because i don't want to appear too eager. and secondly, i guess its because i don't want to spoil this picture that i've drawn of him in my head.

i just realised what i'm writing and started laughing.

i've just written this post about an almost complete stranger. someone who probably doesn't even bother to think about me in their spare time. it's funny like that, isn't it?

i fail at my own degree.

hey everyone!

i got my results from my mid semester exam for pharmacology theory. saying that i 'failed miserably' is probably an understatement. oh well, there's nothing i can do about it now so i'll just have to somehow make up for it in my end of year exam. sigh.

the dude seems like a bit of a snob. the more i talk to him, the more i kind of dislike him. put i have prac tomorrow so i'll update how i feel about it then.

currently writing my essay that's due tomorrow!

reading, reading and more reading!

12.25am: i really have to stop looking up journal articles for this essay. i started at 3, then went to 8, then 10 and finally added one more to make it 11. it's been a long few days of reading. going to plan my essay now and hopefully write a chunk of it tonight. i will go to bed at 2.30am if i can manage to stay up til then.

fb chattin'

he's so not interested.

or it could be my dodgy fb chat on safari? no. no excuses.

moving on it is! :)

update: i think i'm gonna jump off a bridge now. that was just so damn awkward! ><"

paper and orange highlighter.

can't get through reading all these papers! it's just so much! and i have an inkling that they're unrelated to the paper that i need to write... :S

the plan is to finish reading today and then plan and write most of the essay today... fingers crossed!!

dude put a cute quote from a rihanna song as his status. cuteness.


i shall keep you all updated with my essay progress later on today. :)

weather is simply gorgeous today, i hope all you melbournians are out there enjoying it!

xx

i can and i will!

really must start my essay today, even if its just reading and researching. i've already left it till very late... ><"

I CAN AND I WILL! :D

work was quiet, so mum let me go home early. YAY! :)

oh, and did i mention...

i had boost juice today. in the first time in like, ages. it was... so... good. :)

why

I wonder why you make me smile.

We share but few words in the space of hours.

I caught you staring last time.

Instead of diverting your eyes and blushing,

You smiled and said, 'Carry on. Don't mind me.'

That in itself made me think if I had ever met anyone like you before.

arghhh. i need to get out more. this dude has my thoughts all wrapped up. i'm checking my facebook every 20 minutes like some 14 year old girl hoping to have a message from him. he probably doesn't even think of me as anything more than that little asian girl from class. i don't even feel like i really like him that much. well it's different from every other time i've ever experienced. it's a settled and humming feeling, rather than a really sharp and overpowering one. maybe this is what its meant to feel like, seeing as though the outcomes of the other type were always quite terrible.

SIGH.

i wish i wasn't so naive and tactless. considering i'm a girl, i completely suck at being one.

procrastination skills, LEVEL UP!

i'm supposed to be writing an essay but my procrastination skills have gotten just so damn good that i've wasted half a day doing random things, like wash my work shirts and watch youtube videos. =="

my essay topic is:

 Is the ‘rule and exemption’ approach to issues of cultural diversity a means of making liberalism and multiculturalism compatible?


It's an interesting topic and I guess I'm split on it. It's hard to apply liberalist values and encourage individualism while trying to treat everyone equally. Rule and exemption. The more I think about it, the more confused I get about my own opinion. To treat a person as an individual is to allow freedom of expression, whatever that expression may be. Rules are then set up to limit this freedom from harming other people. Regulations are made that should really apply to everyone. But some groups claim exemption based on cultural grounds and society often allows this. The group becomes exempt from the rule that everyone else abides by and this creates an uneven playing field. We can only be equal as individuals if the rules that we abide by are all the same. So, I guess my contention is that the rule and exemption theory doesn't really work if its aim is to make liberalism and multiculturalism compatible... I need to read more about it before I make up my mind. :S


I hope everyone is well! I'm trying to blog more often, as you can tell. :)


updations: i think he's a serial flirt artist. :/

updations!

he's cute. but not as cute as he seemed the other day for some reason. facebook add has been done. comfortably commenting back and forth. very much distracted from researching my essay. it's dark outside. i'm scared to walk to the tram stop...

xx

comforting

there's something wonderfully comforting about the sound of the heating system coming on while i sit at my desk in the study with my vintage yellow desk lamp turned on and wearing my pink jumper. i don't know why but it makes me feel so incredibly safe and snug.

i guess i've spent so many cold days/evenings/nights like this that it's become a comfort zone for me. :)

Bound

I wish I knew how to jump into the sea,
And not be troubled by how to get home.
But I cling to the map and trace my steps,
The need to feel safe is too great.

How do you let go of security and live spontaneously?
I wish I knew how.
The smallest change causes utter chaos in my mind.
I guess I'm a creature of habit.

One day I hope to live by how I feel in the moment,
And not by what I fear the moment will lead to.
It holds me back like fierce chains, an infinite puzzle.
If only I could find the key. If only I knew how.

I envy those around me who see no mystery in this.
They take risks and carve new experiences.
Some win while others fail, the outcome doesn't matter,
Dawn brings a time to do it all over again.

I want to let go of the harness and drop into the unknown,
I want to be brave enough to risk the pain and disappointment,
Because I know that lying amongst it somewhere is joy.
If only I knew how.

I LOVE OATS!

i stopped by the supermarket after uni to pick up a box of oats. i've been craving them so badly, especially with this cold weather.

simply cannot WAIT for breakfast tomorrow! :D

xx

calm before the storm

hi everyone!

i know it has been a terribly long LONG time since i last posted but i've just been really busy with so much! i hope everyone has been well! this post is a catch-up as well as a vent one so expect it to be fairly long...

so i'm back at uni. the gamsat was a few weeks ago. it wasn't really hard nor easy but i can't really gage how i went; guess i'll just have to wait for results. the plan is to apply for dentistry at UoM as well as nursing there. i was actually quite settled on nursing for quite some time but then decided to sit the gammy anyway just incase i changed my mind. i guess it was a good idea. i'm now also considering USyd more seriously because of the limited numbers of CSP places available at UoM. i think my chances of getting a FFP at UoM are higher but that's 50k a year. USyd seems to have many CSPs so by my not very accurate calculations, it would be cheaper overall to go to USyd than stay at UoM under a FFP. ... *cough*. yeah, i don't know. i'll keep you posted! ;)

anyway, the REAL reason that i felt the need to write today is because of this: i think i'm thinking about a guy more than i think about most guys.

i'll give you a little moment to absorb that.

he's funny and cute in a totally daggy way, doesn't dress fancy, he somehow remembers my name, lets me call him by the most awesome nickname ever. but i find that i try to avoid talking to him sometimes. i guess it's just my natural reaction when i feel like i'm starting to like a guy. this sounds really silly, but he reminds me of mn. witty and smart, they have really similar mannerisms and it almost scares me. i had a very brief and somewhat uncomfortable chat (on my side anyways) and found out that he volunteers to teach international students english. i think my heart skipped a beat. it really was like meeting a caucasian version of mn. and that scares me. i just don't want another long and pointless phase of being completely infatuated with someone i can't have. with someone that i don't even know if i want to have. the mn phase was terrible though useful at the time. but now i don't know what to do. do i make an effort to talk to him more? do i sit back and let him do the work? but what if he doesn't notice me like that? am i obliged to put in that extra effort to get myself noticed and distinguished? what happens if he doesn't turn out to be who i thought he was?

and ALAS, i fall into the same helpless pattern as previous.

i know they say you shouldn't think too much about these things and that you should just let it run its course but at the same time, it feels like that is the complete opposite of what i should be doing. the feeling i get about this guy doesn't feel like the fake feelings i had towards j1 or j2... it's more like mn feelings before i completely lost the plot and over obsessed.

i guess the worst part of this is that i don't really have anyone to talk to about it, which makes me sad. during the mn era, i used to talk to ab but i can't do that anymore. kn and ky are very busy so i don't want to disturb them; i mean, they have enough on their plates as it is.

i just feel restless about it all. go back two years and i would've just tried everything i could to get this guy's attention. but i tried that during the j1 phase and that was just a plain bad idea because i had no idea who he was before i jumped in.

as a reader of HJNTIY, i should just be restraining myself and not doing anything. it has taken enormous amounts of willpower to not add this guy on fb. seriously!

but then i sat and thought about it. a guy so awesome cannot possibly be on the market. or maybe he bats for the other team ala mn style. i have NO IDEA what i would do if the latter were true.

he's really sweet! i'd hate to lose him to someone else. but to start something then have it fall apart would be really terrible too. we have subjects together. :(

i guess i've never been much of a risk taker... he just seems super sweet. he wants to be a lawyer. AWWWW!!! but sigh. i just don't know what to do.

i guess first up, i need to find out if he's available.

i'll keep you updated!

COMMENTS ARE WELCOME! I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE ADVICE!

xx