i wasn't supposed to fall for you.

retro jumper

not just because tegan quin is wearing it, but i really want a jumper that looks like this.

it looks wicked amazing. i miss winter over here already and it's not even november yet. :(

how cute would this look paired with skinny jeans and high top sneakers/lace up boots? :)

boom, daboom, boom...

Boy, you got my heartbeat running away... Beating like a drum and it's coming your way. Can't you feel that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom bass?

Shush. I only just discovered this song. Let me have my fun. :)

love letters.

sometimes, i think it'd be really cute if a guy wrote me a love letter. i'd say that'd be a good way to win me over. it's probably the only lovey-dovey path... i dislike the idea of anyone writing me a song or poem. but a letter, i think, would be rather perfect.

i want to see your heart on paper. i want to see what words you use, how you manage the syntax. i want to feel every word like it couldn't be any purer if it came straight from your arteries and veins. it would make me tremble and leave me breathless with my heart pounding in my ears. let it be something that i can revisit endlessly and still feel every syllable of your thoughts. 

write me a letter like that and i will surely fall.

Tell me you love me like you think you want to be loved.

Pull on my hand and say, please just let's make it this way.

- I Bet It Strung, Tegan & Sara

would you stay?

sigh. well, i didn't follow the plan. i was meant to say how i felt on tuesday, but i couldn't do it. it didn't feel like the right time. i really do feel like the feeling is mutual sometimes. it's so strange. but i keep thinking to myself that there is a limit to how hard to can hint and tell someone how you feel without saying anything at all. there have been so many moments during this whole journey where i've wanted to just leave it, but in the end something always made me stay. i wish i knew why.

21.10.11

The mind feels numb.
Paralysed, but crying for something
Like the depth of the ocean
And the sound of waves safely crashing.
Repetition. Repetition.
Security in the simplest of things.
Without it, naked and directionless as
A gush of wind.
So much energy, so little meaning.
Wanting to be more,
Wanting to give more.
If only there were something to be given.
The mind is numb.

- MHD

notes on love.

i found this piece on Facebook. it's by a friend of a friend who i've never met before in my life, that i never knew existed before clicking on the below article. so, Kylie Abena Ngu, I don't know who you are but thanks for writing this. :)

"Love is such a confounder." - Making the Cut, Dr Mohamed Khadra

It is that deep-seated unrelinquishing desire to feel connected to a fellow human being that drives one to empty out everything they have, all the energy, time, faith and trust but most importantly, all the love. You watch in medicine, how a patient puts everything they have into the hands of their doctor, how a parent fears for her child's health, her child's future, how a child aches to her bones because of the strangling uncertainty that floods the lives her parents. You see how a mother tattoos her child's name on her heart and you see how the old frail man gently envelopes his vulnerable wife's hand with his own. And a minute glimpse into what love really is presents itself.

And when you attempt to take this same limitless love and hand it over to someone else, that gut stirring fear never fails to follow. Why would you ever do it? Open yourself up, give someone the key to everything that you are, were and all your dreams of everything that you want to be? Isn't it too much of a risk to share half of everything you are with someone?

Because you think that sharing is doubling the chances of making everything you are better. Just like patients, how can the bone be fixed, how can the cancer be cured and how can the pain be alleviated if you don't share the burden with your doctor.

But what if, unlike the doctor, whoever you decide to share your life with decides to not be there tomorrow? Romantic love, relationships, it's the most unpredictable, most volatile connection between two people. You make yourself vulnerable, you lay yourself out on the racing track and you pray that the other person driving the car stops to get out, lifts you up and puts you in the seat next to him to finish the race, and you pray he doesn't drive around you and pray twice as hard he doesn't drive over you. And what if he does? Or decides to stop as the race nears its end, opens the door to tell you to get out and leave you out in the cold? 

There is no way of knowing, we're only human after all, we're fickle with our emotions. So the least you could do, is right now, empty everything you have to the person sitting in the car next to you, they stopped for you after all. I don't know how many times in a lifetime someone would stop for you, really stop for you, if any at all. So if they stopped for you and you chose to sit in the car with them, please don't look outside the window and forget who's in the car with you. I think it's the most horrible thing. It's synonymous to the doctor walking away from the all-trusting patient without even trying.

In the perfect world, everyone would find that person to sit in the car with until the end of the race and the car is overflowing with happiness and real, down to the septum love for the other person, not temporary attraction (that's always flimsy, easily snatched up by the wind).

Unfortunately, it isn't the perfect world. But without ever taking that leap, taking that risk we would all be driving solo the whole race through.

So if you're sitting next to someone, I wish you down to the septum love. Double happiness.

If you're not ready to stop for somone, maybe one day, there's no rush.

And if you've just been left out in the cold, I pray that someone else stops for you soon. They must just be taking the scenic route.

chapel st sleaziness.

Hi everyone!

I hope you all have been well! :D

I went to a 21st last night. It was of a friend of high school's who I haven't really spoken to very much since school finished, but I appreciated the fact that she invited me and went.  It was quite surprising that no one else from high school was there; even those that replied as attending didn't turn up. I thought that was odd. It was held at this cosy little room/bar on Chapel St. The street that I never knew could be so sleazy. Although, to its defence, I was strangely attired. It was a vintage themed party so I walked into a room of all these elegant people dressed up as Audrey Hepburn and the like. And what did I decide go to as? A pin up girl. Yes, that's right. I chose to go as an old-fashioned slut. It was weird.

xx.

smell

i can smell you on my skin for hours afterwards, even though i only sat next to you.

i'm so confused. sometimes i feel like you're trying to tell me something. but it could all just be in my head... i don't know.

the mere memory of your scent makes my heart beat faster. it's strange how you have that effect on me.

it's what you don't say.

sometimes it's the things you don't say that hurt the most. it's when you don't say hi or ask how i am. it's when you ignore me, little knowing how much i've thought about you for fortnight and had imagined the moment when i'd see you again.  every time you regard me as some insignificant detail in your life, it tears my heart in two. now all i have is scattered pieces of something that used to be precious.

Waiting.

"I have never felt this way. I have never felt this way about a person. But when I see you, when my eyes meet yours, the ocean seems small, the sky seems close, and the universe is no longer infinite. For that moment, it’s just you, me, and the unending yearning that lingers between us. But I will wait for you. I will always wait for you."


- from mols.tumblr.com

'I don't go there anymore, because you're not there.'

when words express exactly how you feel.

it's so weird when you read something that describes so perfectly how you feel. when it says it with greater accuracy than you could ever imagine yourself or anybody else to write. i came across this on a blog and i knew it was one of those moments.

"It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you have known forever don’t see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories, but find yourself moving on."

it's sad that people change. it's a sad thing in itself that i'm saying such.

you grow up with some people and it literally does feel like one day you just... just don't know who they are anymore. you realise that their principles are on a completely different wavelength to your own that it's a wonder how you ever got along so well to begin with. it's a really sad feeling that i find has been happening to me more and more often lately...

you try so hard to cling onto these things you call friendships but at the end of the day you've just become too different. your beliefs are no longer the same. you don't love the same things anymore.

in general, i find it really hard to maintain friendships. i really do. i've never been able to understand how people do it. but i do have maybe a handful of friendships that i try super hard to keep alive. maybe that's why it's so sad when they fall apart. you try to overlook the differences but in the end the differences were just the first words on the last page of the book.

it's hard but i'm sure everyone goes through it. i feel uncomfortable making new friends because i'm scared that it will distance me from all the friends that have stuck beside me all these years... i now realise that maybe you meet new friends because you've evolved. i prefer the term evolved because it implies that whatever you were beforehand is still there, that this is merely an extension of that. the term change implies that you are no longer who you used to be. maybe you have evolved into someone who doesn't get along with those people anymore and these new people understand you better, for now.

maybe i think too much. then again, maybe i don't think enough.

do what you can.

Sometimes people get angry. Sometimes it's your fault and sometimes it's not. But it's not worth your anger, frustration or annoyance. Who needs a life full of that? Just do what you can. Grit your teeth. Take a deep breath. Do what you can. You can never do more than that. Ever.

What has been done has already been done. You can't change it. Don't let it affect you now; it's in the past. Grit your teeth. Take a deep breath. Do what you can.

People get angry because, after all, they are just people. Forgive them. Pity them for they cannot see the need for more happiness in the world that you can. There is always too much anger and tears, and a drastic shortage of smiles and laughter. Focus your energy on the latter. It'll make life better for you and everyone around you.