exhausted.

hello everyone!

i know, it's been a while! i hope everyone is well! :D

i just came back last night from a week in hk with my mum. bought stuff, ate stuff. the usual hk story. found out that seven days with my mum in my face twenty-four hours a day is intense. almost too intense. i'm revelling in the comfort of sweet isolation as i type right now. isolation, i knew i loved you but little did i know to what degree. :)

today i received a message that was a tad annoying. or perhaps frustrating. a friend of mine is dating my cousin. they met independently of me which was weird for me when i found out about it all but i thought, meh. doesn't really concern me. good luck to them, as a friend would say. when i had the whole thing confirmed by her, i told my brothers and my parents, as you do. i'm sure if i started dating someone she'd go and tell her mum. and quite frankly, i wouldn't care. it's the person's family.

 anyways, so yesterday i received a delayed message from my friend (i was on the plane when she sent it). it just asked if my whole family knew about her and her boyfriend. i replied honestly and said that my parents and brothers knew but my family beyond that, i wouldn't have a clue. she replied rather annoyed and said she didn't want people to know about it yet. i found this weird. i mean, it's my family. who on earth would they tell? why would it bother you? i'm about the most private person you can possibly imagine when it comes to this stuff but i would be fine with my friends' families knowing that i was dating someone even if a lot of my friends didn't yet know. it's not like telling people in your circle. family doesn't sit there.

but that wasn't the part of her message that annoyed me. she also said that her mum said there was a picture of her and her boyfriend on a board in my house. now... wtf. seriously. wtf. those three letters never seemed more appropriate to use. why the hell would i have something like that? is it normal for people to keep photos of their friends with their significant others like that? i wrote a rather long reply but, upon re-reading it, i thought i better ask my brother if the words i had used were too harsh. my brother told me not to send it and to rewrite it. he too was annoyed at the accusation. it took me so long to write something that wasn't too serious, but also didn't trivialise what she was saying. it was also extremely hard not to reply and mock her. she hasn't replied.

but why on earth would you think that? does it show that she's very self-centred? that she's paranoid? like, i don't even know what to say. i really don't. it's been bothering me all dayyy...

anyways, just needed to spill. will write again soon! i hope everyone is well! :)

xx

i need something new.

i need something new. i'm sick and tired of this. i don't want change. i just want something new but, at the same time, something i know how to handle. someone throw me a life jacket. i'm drowning.

i don't want to think about you anymore. i hate myself for doing it. i hate the fear that i experience every time i see your name because it might tell me that you already belong to another. i hate that some part of me wants you all to myself while the others argue so strongly against it. i hate that i can't find your equivalent. i hate how you can put a smile on my face by simply putting one on your own.

i just hate all of this.

i don't even know anymore.

i wish i could say that i know exactly what i want, but the truth is that i don't. perhaps i fear knowing that i want something because it would mean that there's something to chase and to lose. something to fail at.

i know i'm a coward; you don't have to know me very long to feel it oozing from me. i don't like the idea of losing. my entire life has been a game that i never participated in. i've stood by the sidelines and watched things being taken away from me, all the while excusing myself by saying that i never tried and, therefore, never lost. the sad reality is that i always lost. i always failed by default. i'm now reaching a point where i'm not sure if i want to continue to do this to myself, but at the same time i fear the consequences of living my life in a manner different from how i've always done it. change has always presented itself as a hefty hurdle for me.

the idea of breaking the cycle and having it work out well is a great temptress, but the more i think about going out on a limb, the more i realise can go wrong. it scares me. i know that it won't kill me but it may take a bite out of me that i'll never get back.

here, here and here.

The time of my life, a record of myself.
An accurate sketch of perfect health.
Roof on my head, shoes on my feet.
Plenty of room, plenty to eat.

Been very far, made lots of friends.
I love my mother, I hope to see her again.
I'm a wanderer now, sorrow befalls me.
I laugh often so I suppose I'm going to be fine.

Mozart, he said there's nothing to composing.
That's all we do,
We just write and play and write and play and write and...

Here, here and here.
He pointed to his heart and mind and ears.
He said here, here and here.
He pointed to his heart and mind and ears.

- Here, Here and Here; Meg and Dia

against my better judgement.

i'm desperately hanging on. clinging on.

i feel like i'm being dragged through mud, heart and soul, hoping that you'll turn around and see me, but you don't even take a glance. yet here i am. still clutching at what could've been, at what could still be.

if only you could see me.

i wish...

... you had a higher regard for me.

fudge.

and here i do not mean the delicious edible fudge. i mean the fudge that is used as a substitute for a cussin' word.

had a rather long chat with my brother last night and now i feel like an idiot. how long am i going to continue to like this guy for before i feel like i have to say something? am i so foolish as to wait till he has some other girl on his arm? i'm so angry with myself right now.

someone be my knightley!

just finished watching the 2009 BBC version of Emma. how i wish there's a mr knightley out there for me!

instead, the guy i like is out at a dinner that i refused to attend and now i'm moping about at home on my own. i'm sure that my heart shall break at the sight of some girl on his arm that is not me but, alas, i have done nothing to prevent such a thing from happening. all my misery is my own creation and i shall have to face the consequences. unfortunate indeed!

junk of the heart

junk of the heart is junk of my mind.
so hard to leave you all alone.
we get so drunk that we can hardly see,
what use is that to you or me?

see, i notice that nothing makes you shatter.
you're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart.
but are you mine?

i want to make you happy.
i want to make you feel alive.
let me make you happy.

sometimes

Hey all!

I just came back from a rather enjoyable weekend at Mt. Hotham snowboarding, which means I'm pretty sore... haha! It was a great w/e though. Spent it with some good friends and made some new ones. It was pretty much sleep, board, drink, sleep, board, home. I can actually board okay now! :D

I unfortunately came home to a considerably grumpy mum. Don't know why she's so angry... She is still angry this morning. Sigh. Don't know if it's something I did or not... Makes it kind of hard for me to be at home all day today...

Sometimes you just feel really alone.

xx.