time bomb.

Got my heart in your hands, like a time bomb ticking.
It goes off, we start again.
When it breaks, we'll fix it.


It was like a time bomb set into motion,
We knew that we were destined to explode,
And if I had to pull you out of the wreckage,
You know I'm never going to let you let me go.

Time Bomb - All Time Low

*cue new wave of obsession over Alex Gaskarth*

xx

le destin se

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou...

Quelqu'un M'a Dit - Carla Bruni

study distractions.

it has always been unfortunate that my birthday falls pretty much during the exam period. always.

it is a significant problem this year in particular. while i'm meant to be studying for my ever close exams, i find myself organising my 21st instead. oops.

this could be a problem...

silly

“Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.” — Rose Franken

perfect?

i know i always come across as a total relationship skeptic but the fact is that i just haven't found the right person. i want someone i can look up to. i want someone who inspires me to be a better version of myself through their own example. whether or not this is what i need, i don't know. but i think it's what i want.

you don't need to be fabulously good-looking. you don't need to be rich. you don't need to be smart. you just need to be perfect. perfect for me.

i think this song below is important. i want someone who makes me feel this way about them, but at the same time, i want them to feel the same way about me.

people who stop caring.

i think i've written about this before but do you know who i dislike? people who stop talking to you because they find out that you're not interested in them as more than a friend. like, really! just because i don't think you're the love of my life doesn't mean i don't enjoy talking to you. and just because i don't see you as my future husband doesn't mean that you just stop talking to me. makes me feel pretty worthless when people do that. it's like, they talked to me because they wanted something from me rather than just enjoying my company. 

that's annoys me. 

end rant.

xx.

against the world.

you know how sometimes you get the feeling that the world is trying to tell you that you're going down the wrong pathway? yeah. i guess that's how i'm feeling at the moment.

i like trusting the flow of life. it's always led me to the right place. i know most people will say that you have to pave your own pathways and make your own dreams, don't let yourself get lost in the current of life's river but i guess i think differently. while i think it is important to have goals and aims, i also think that when you push a little too hard against the flow of the world, it often just causes more complications for you. i don't cruise through life. i work hard when i have to and relax when i don't. life manages to always gently paddle me down a good lane.

at the moment i feel like i'm trying to move against it. and it's really uncomfortable. i feel the most content when i don't drown myself in self-invented problems and worries. i guess i had forgotten that. of late, i've let many things get in the way of my living in a content state. i'm stressing about the wrong things and it's causing me to feel unnecessary frustration. i need to reassess my thinking and behaviour.

life isn't about pining over things you can't have. it's about being grateful for what is already in front of you and making the best out of what the world has given you. what you have is quite often in excess of what you need.

i have to get my head thinking straight again...

rude people.

you know how sometimes you just meet people in life who are incredibly rude? i hate that. i kind of feel like asking them if their parents ever taught them any manners at all. how have they gotten this far in life with such behaviour?

waiting for it to pass.

and i'm sure these feelings will... i just hope they don't take too much longer...

moment of freaking out...

... when you load your LMS page and it looks like this:

and says that you are not enrolled in any subjects. :|

refreshing solved the problem. huzzah! :D

hanging on a moment with you.

here's what has been happening:

1. i've been sick for the last 3 days: feeling heaps better today; almost 100%. stomach's still giving me a bit of grief. had to skip my practical class on thursday... which reminds me that i need to go get a medical certificate... :S

2. roger ho's 21st tonight: hopefully i'll feel well enough to go. i really hope i can... i've been looking forward to it heaps!!

3. the wrong person appears to like me? : sighhh. oh man. that was a bad day. i'll elaborate below.

4. the right person appears to like someone else: SIGHHH. shall also elaborate below.


okay. so thursday was the beginning of a bad few days.
i wake up in the morning with complete body aches and pains. didn't know if i should go into uni, but figured that i had to because i had a practical class. my brother ended up driving me in, so i got to uni at 9:00am even though i didn't actually have a class till 11:00am. i went to the bailieu and basically slept at a desk in the hopes of feeling better. unfortunately, by the time 11:00am came along, i did not feel any better at all. either way, i dragged myself to class.

when i got to the lecture theatre, i was still 15 minutes early so i sat outside. i figured that it would be better for me to sit outside to get a bit more air as opposed to inside the theatre because it often gets pretty stuffy. so as i was waiting outside when ## comes along. we get along really well and chat on fb and stuff. he recently split with his gf and has been upset about it and all, so he talks to me about it sometimes. my brother had already warned me about being too nice to ##, just incase i ended up as the rebound. this worried me considerably for a while, but then i realised that i had explicitly told him that i like caucasian guys so i felt pretty safe. oh, did i mention he's really good friends with **? ** being the person i'm rather interested in... that i've been blogging about for a month. :P

anyways, so i'm sitting outside and ## comes along. so we're all like hey, how are you, rah rah rah... and i tell him that i'm feeling pretty sick and not sure i can go to prac and stuff, and i'm also just sitting outside because the air's a bit clearer. i was also waiting for nick. and he's all like, 'yeah that's cool, i usually wait out here for ** anyways.' so we're just chattin' then nick comes. so even though i felt super sick, i can't help but be excited when i see nick because it's really quite rare that i do get to see him now. so i get up and start moving towards the lecture theatre with nick and ## comes along with us and he's like: 'where do you wanna sit?' i guess i was somewhat surprised that he wanted to come sit with me and it was even worse that the usual row that he and ** occupy was already taken. so he follows nick and i all the way to the back of the theatre. pretty silly of him, because i don't think nick nor i planned on actually doing any work. so anyways, we're sitting there and then ** comes in, and instead of occupying the seat next to nick, he chooses to sit in the row in front of us. so i give him mock annoyance just for fun. anyways, the lecture starts and really, nick and i just talk through the whole thing because we had a lot of gamsat-related things to talk about. ** threatened to cut my tongue out at one stage. found that quite funny for some reason.

so nick and i are sitting there chatting away, and every now and then ## nudges me to say something. so i'm kind of sitting behind ** and i notice him pull his phone out. he writes a text and then closes his phone. ## then receives a text. i randomly just happened to look over when ## reads the text, and it says 'she's diggin' ya, you're in.' ## then looked up and obviously saw that i saw the text. i hope i had an expression of great discomfort on my face. SO THAT WAS THAT. AWKWARD. i left at the end of the lecture feeling pretty down that ** thought i liked ## when i really liked **.

so i then went to the biomed library with both of them and the others in my group to finish our assignment. it is so hard to sit next to ** for a whole hour. he smells good. LOL. i can't help it!!

anyways, so i went home after that and skipped prac. i was just feeling too ill. konked out for 24 hours.

friday night. logged onto facebook. **'s status is about how he thinks that he's finally met the one. my heart broke. :(

and that was my disastrous few days. it doesn't actually look that bad in writing... :)

i was surprised that i wasn't more hurt. saying that my heart broke is probably an exaggeration. i was definitely disappointed, but it wasn't quite so bad as i thought it would be. my girly instincts tell me that there's a one in a billion chance that he could be talking about me, but even i'm not silly enough to wholeheartedly believe that.

so yeah. i think i'll have a few drinks tonight. my stomach has definitely settled over the last couple of hours... :)

sigh. he's so perfect. i hope the girl's worth it.

feeling like my body is about to fall apart...

... i feel really sick right now.

all my muscles are just achinggg... and i feel really light-headed. unfortunate that i have a 4 hour practical class today. i need to see if i can get out of it for medical reasons... i feel really sick. i'm really tired. the last few nights i haven't been able to sleep properly and that has probably contributed as well.

omgosh... i don't know how i'm going to last 3 hours let alone 8 today. ><"

it would be so much easier...

... if i didn't like you so much. :(

"bread makes you fat?!"

haha, i just really love that quote from scott pilgrim. :D

sorry i've been absent for the last few days... blogger has been having some technical problems so i haven't been able to write anything.

nothing much has been happening. i still think the dude is wonderful. not quite too sure if i'm making any progress at all but hey, i'm trying! i think. well, i ammm... but at the same time i don't want to seem too eager and have him rebuke me. ><" we have however exchanged phone numbers, even though it was for academic purposes. and we chat on fb. have i progressed? i think so. or my girly needy sides are making me believe that i have made progress. sighh. but that's okay. i don't know if i want a relationship at the moment anyway, so even if he did happen to return by affections, i don't really know what i'd do.

my friend was moody yesterday and that made me a bit upset. i understand that in life, sometimes you have really bad days where everything just goes wrong. but i don't think that you can use such an excuse to justify bad behaviour towards your friends. they have done nothing wrong. there's no need to throw a fit at someone who hasn't done anything wrong. i just think that's really rude and inconsiderate.

that was my little vent there! :)

anyways, exams are getting freakishly close. this also means that the amount of blogging i do will also increase due to procrastination. sigh. i need the vce/gamsat me back! the motivated me! where did she go!? come baaack...! D:

anyways, i'll post again soon! xx.

i usually don't do this but...

this song deserves its own post. this song is ridiculously AMAZING.

LL#4

'I drive around the block and I'm not looking to my right, I feel the glass against my cheek and I can't see you in the light.'


Burn Your Life Down - Tegan and Sara

total turn off.

i'll never quite understand why some people find it so hilarious to talk about 'fucking', 'penises', 'vaginas' and other sex related topics. i personally find it quite repulsive. i just simply don't understand.

i can tolerate and occasionally even laugh at small amounts. but do people think it's 'cool' to talk so crudely about it? i don't have anything against being open about sexuality but in a world where conversation topics are a plenty, why does this one keep coming up? it's not even really a topic. it comes across to me personally as quite vulgar.

maybe i just live in a naive world. actually, no. i live in a mature world. i guess i'm ahead of my time?

i just like my guys nice and sweet. i don't want them to talk about that junk. just like how i don't like guys that swear a lot. there are very many words in the english language that can be employed in place of words such as 'fuck.' that's kind of the only word i don't like to say. i also dislike saying 'shit'. 'crap' is okay with me for some reason. haha! they can swear but it's unnecessary to do so in every sentence. or saying it for the sake of saying it. there's nothing 'cool' about doing that.

why do so few people see this?

two good examples of people who go about this in a way i find appropriate and balance it so well that it becomes funny are nick and justin.

nick talks 'dirty' all the time. but he manages to do it in a way that is absolutely hilarious and doesn't overstep any boundaries. it's often the way he says things rather than what he says that makes him as funny as he is.
justin doesn't exactly go about it the same way. he'll just randomly refer to bodily parts and make it work with the conversation. he just throws it in there in a very casual and cool way that doesn't give offence. i think it's quite a skill.

sigh. two boys that i just love because they're quite perfect just the way they are. (L)

if only they knew how much they each mean to me. i wouldn't hesitate to go to the ends of the world for either of them.

sighh.

he's cuuute.

on the night my blog was down...

i had to resort to xanga instead. enjoy!s

why facebook stalking is bad for you

my blogspot is currently down!! whyyy... of all nights in the time continuum, why tonight? i need to spill and now i don't have anywhere to do it. :(

i really should learn my lesson. but i sadly don't. i know i'm making this sound like it's about something really massive, but i'm probably just exaggerating. haaa. 

facebook stalking is much too easy to do. too convenient. too simple. too accessible.

so when i find myself, how can i say... 'attracted' to someone, it's only natural that i stalk them. facebook style.

and of course, this has many pros. you find out things about them that make you like them even more. you stalk out their hobbies and interests. you check their photos and it gives you some indication of what sort of person they are. it often makes you like the person even more than before, despite them having not said an extra word to you.

then there are times when you realise that facebook stalking is the worst thing you can really do to yourself. really. you build up this image of the person, first of all, in your head that they may or may not actually be. who knows? secondly, you start becoming obsessed with who they talk to. any vague hints of their interest in a person other than yourself sends you spiralling down into the depths of self-produced depression. your world starts to crumble. suddenly you find yourself in bed, in the foetal position on the verge of tears, wondering where it all went horribly wrong. all in the space of a few hours... and the other person has no idea what a crime they have just committed. a crime that you declare you will never forgive them for and that from this moment on, you will stop thinking about them. all this pain and misery... and really, the other person doesn't even know what they've done. if they've actually done anything at all.

sometimes what you want is different from what you get.

and sometimes you just have to accept it.

i want to be the only person this guy wants to talk to. i really do. i don't know what on earth we'd talk about, but i just want him all to myself. no one else. just me.

but sometimes, life doesn't give you what you want. for one reason or another, it doesn't. and there's always a reason. most experiences are learning ones and i try not to forget that.

i think i may have come across as simply too intense for him. which is a shame because i'm not always so loud. i'm actually quiet most of the time. i wish he could see me the way that i see him. or maybe i'm just not what he's looking for. that's quite sad in itself.

i guess there's nothing to do but to go with the flow...

worst. day. ever.

You know how sometimes you just have days so terribly bad that it makes you question if any good will ever come ever again? I had one of those days today.

It was my own fault for leaving my assignment till so late. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I always have this -14% motivation problem during the first half of the year. ALWAYS. even during high school. But this was just... bad. Like, really bad. I guess it has been a terrible mix of sem1 depression and post-gamsat burnt out. I was frantically beginning the assignment at 11:00pm last night. I stayed up til 4:30am. Then it took me the rest of today to put together this worse-than-mediocre assignment. Even when I finished it, I couldn't even print it because the computers at uni are so bad! So I'm running around campus before finally pleading with the man at the front desk to help me. My assignment was so terrible! I'm ashamed to know that I had anything to do with it at all. :(

I just don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. This is so un-me. How do I become me again? I wish someone could tell me... There's just no motivation anymore. Just none at all. I can imagine it'll be even worse when I get my gamsat result. :(

I need to find the motivation again. I had fabulous mo last semester! I wonder where it all went...?

I just feel really angry at myself. So very very amgry.

LL#3

'I think I found a flower in a field of weeds. Searching until my hands bleed. This flower don't belong to me.'

Surrender - Billy Talent

how am i still awake?!

it's 3:47am!

i'm never EVER going to leave an assignment undone til so late EVER AGAINNN! D:

well, i know now what i like in guys...

SIGH. this dude is going to drive me insaaane! wish he wasn't so awesome. shall i list the attributes? despite the risk of him coming across it...? sure.

funny smart cute-in-a-daggy-way academically focused (is that a good thing?) does martial arts (say wah?) speaks chinese (i mean really, that's crazy! he's white!) dances (wtf?!) taught himself how to play piano (W.T.F?!) knows about kiddie stuff (i.e. disney, pokemon, etc; it is next to impossible to find a guy like that!) volunteers (first guy since mn that i've found...) sweet towards his siblings (important for some reason) wicked sense of humour. oh, and he's growing a beard of sorts... it's a sad but universally acknowledged fact that i love guys with a bit of stubble. i guess it's because they look more manly with it? his is nice and even too! (y)

i really should stop talking to him... but it's hard to believe that he'd have anything else to add to this list.

GAHHH! i haven't felt this obsessed about anyone for a while. it is indeed reminiscent of early mn stages. of all the guys that i believed myself to have 'liked' since mn, there were only ever some parts of them that i truly did. with this guy, i feel like there's nothing to not admire? it's crazyy! as i said, no one since mn has managed to make me feel this way.

it's a shame he doesn't seem all that interested... he did however sit next to me in a lecture today, which was a first.

did i mention that he smells nice? that's always super important. :)

i hope he hugs nice too.

so, does this make me...

...like you more or less? i spent most of today with you. i wish i could say that i received some sort of encouragement but i'm not quite sure that i did...

the more i learn about this guy, the more i think he's absolutely amazing.

frick.

what do i do!?

sick with curiosity...

... as to, when you're online at the same time as me, who it is you are chatting with. because it's clearly not me. :(

another day has gone...

...and i still haven't started writing up my biotech assignment! it's due on friday!! :(

i caught up with the alternative today. it's strange that the more time i spend with them, the less they seem like the 'alternative'. they make the main one seem less... main. i don't know. i'm very confused at the moment. but it's not like i have to make a decision, right? everything is still in its early stages and it's not like i would jump into deep waters if one of them happened to turn my way. i never have been a person to take risks.

only had two hours of uni today. but i'll have a total of 4 hours with the 'main' tomorrow. sigh.

you have no idea...

...how much i don't want to feel this way.

he seems so very out of reach. why do i persist in these strange feelings? it hurts to see that he just doesn't feel the same way. not even a little bit.

i wish i could pull myself out of this. i know i said that i missed feeling vulnerable, but sometimes the things you miss don't live up to what you remember them to be.

stop being so likeable. i wish you weren't so tall, confident, funny, witty and smart... i wish you didn't read so much and love music with such ardour... i wish you didn't show such goodwill towards other people and sweetness towards your siblings... i wish you never quoted from children's books and never revealed to me that you watch disney cartoons... because it would be a whole lot easier to stop thinking about you like there's any possibility that something could ever happen between us.

it would've made you seem less like what i've always wanted.

we'd look so wrong together, the epitome of an odd couple, but i can't help it...

i guess you're my unicorn.

and why it hurts so much that you don't see me the same way.

100th post! WOW!

i can't believe i'm at my hundredth post! that's rather exciting!! :D i guess all i can say is that i just really love having a small space in this world where i can write freely about how i'm feeling and that someone else might just maybe get something out of it too. :)

drainer of my life.

hi everyone!

i thought i'd just post a short one in lieu of my absence. currently sitting in a pharm lecture that is absolutely pointless with a capital P. i don't even know why i'm here. :(

i just had a week off uni and i have no idea where it went. i just simply accomplished nothing. i feel really terrible about it because my friends seem to have gotten a lot done...

on sunday, nsyag held our first big event which was quite successful. there were some frustrating times but in the end everything worked out well and we had a nice turnout. it was followed by a rather epic BBQ. the downside of this was that i missed JKs 21st... i genuinely felt horrible about it. i pretty much missed his 19th (actually, i literally dropped by for 5 minutes because i was with mn as well as others). what made this worse was that he actually had to drive out to nl on a day he wasn't working to give me the invite. so i planned on being in attendance even if it was late. but then i messaged him (past 9pm) and it didn't really sound like he was keen on me coming so late. sighhh. i just hope he's not upset at me. :(

post again soon! xx

things i've learnt recently:
- i really dig guys that read literature.
- one of gsp's main bjj coaches is a professor in ophthamology. who would've thought? :)

LL#2

"The only way I'd learn to love is if I found it on my own."


Life of Leaving Home - Yellowcard