... and there was light.

hi everyone!

i hope you're all well! :D

i've been rather sick the last few days but managed to crawl out of bed this morning for a full day of uni, 10-5 with no break. despite being terribly long, it didn't feel that way because all my classes were good so i guess i'm pretty happy with that. i feel so tired and ill right now though... and i probably won't get home til 7ish. it's 5:38pm and i'm sitting in the biomed library, waiting for my brother to finish catching up with his friend and take me home! sigh.

i felt compelled to write about a small revelation a had less than an hour ago and, seeing as though i don't really feel like studying, this seemed like a good time to do it.

i just finished a three hour seminar on developments in biotechnology (2-5). i didn't really know what to expect from it but i ended up finding it really interesting. we had three speakers and it was the last one that really struck me. he does research at the university and is currently in the process of developing and testing a vaccine that could potentially eradicate a parasite that's killing large numbers of people in under-developed countries. it was really sad to hear how the project could've been at it's current point 10 years ago if it had received enough funding from companies. these large companies won't invest money into something that won't generate profit. i think that's just so terribly sad. (just had a coughing fit that has probably spread my sickness through this whole floor of people. awesome.) only putting in if you know you're going to get something greater out of it. and that something always, ALWAYS has to be money. so this professor that came to talk to us has been working on this project for 20 years and is finally testing it overseas. i think that's amazing. and all of a sudden everything that i stood for a few years ago came rushing back and everything that i'm doing now just makes sense.

my subjects all link together in the right way and i feel like i'm meant to be in this position. i always believed that you're where you are for a reason but now i feel like it's really true. biotech has re-exposed me to what kind of materialistic world we live in... it was something that i was so passionate about changing a few years ago. pharm gives me the background i need if this is what i want to do. human rights has been plummeting into me how unjust and misfunctioning the world is. mps is like a background subject, telling me how we've all become so absorbed in the lives of celebrities and politicians that we forget their policies and more important world issues.

it's like i've found inspiration all over again. i even went and borrowed the biotech textbook for the night. (y)
i don't know how long this inspiration will last for but it does feel nice to have it back again even if only for a little while. :)

so here's my crazy plan: ... actually, i don't want you to know my crazy plan just yet. you can wait.

yes i'm still coughing like a madwoman. sigh.

two birthdays this weekend. i don't know if i'll feel well enough to go. and i'm really behind on all my summaries too. :( but i've only got two hours tomorrow, finish at 11 so hopefully i can just go home and study... or rest if needed.

anyways, i need to go meet my brother. shall write again soon. xx.


I've never felt so lost. I've never felt so much at home. Please write my folks and throw away my keys. - I Woke Up in a Car by Something Corporate

pitter patter

hi everyone!

it sure has been awhile! i've just been a bit busy lately... came back from interstate on saturday night and am enjoying my first few days back at uni. today was a surprisingly good day. started with a pharmacology lecture then tutes for human rights and media politics. the school day rounded off nicely with a human rights lecture. i'm contemplating on switching out of pharmacology because i really don't think i'll like it, but then again i guess it's good to challenge yourself. i like all my other subjects so far though! :)

nothing much has been happening lately. i've been lying low. the only subject that i know people in is pharm so i spend most lectures sitting on my own. but that's okay. i learn better this way. there's still a bit of catching up to do for the first week back that i missed but only a bit. actually, it's something like 3 pharm lectures which really isn't that bad.

i caught up with some friends from st john's the other night. even though most couldn't make it, it was still nice to spend time with the ones that came. bao and i then had a rather enjoyable train ride home lip-syncing to random songs on the ipod.

with that last full stop it suddenly hit me that, for the first time in a long time, i feel pretty content with life at the moment. i guess i'm just moving on from the bitterness. or it could be from the lovely (but quite pricey, so much so that i felt really guilty after ordering) lunch i had just before at sweet source. or maybe it was the short hike back to uni through the light rain. or the fact that i'm sitting on my own writing this in the bailieu. or the fact that i might enjoy the subjects i'm doing this semester. i don't know. but i feel okay... like everything's going to be alright. :)

i came across a wonderful piece of inspiration the other day: 'Being challenged in life is inevitable. Being defeated is optional.' i thought this was so good that it's now the quote on my whiteboard at home.

random addition: i sat next to guy to smelt like maccas cheeseburgers during my rights lecture before. it was weird and strangely pleasant at the same time.


anyway, i better get some study done. i hope everyone is well! xx.


I got some troubles, but they won't last. I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass and pretty soon all my troubles will pass 'cause I'm in Sugar Town. - Sugar Town performed by Zooey Deschanel

we need more monkeys!

hello dear readers!

i'm currently writing from Newcastle, my home for the next 2.5 weeks, so this will just be a short entry.

Weather was just lovely today so we went to the park. It's a good 5-6 degrees warmer up here than in Melbourne. My niece and nephew's brand new gumboots came home all muddy! :D


I felt the need to express gratitude and affection to those people in general that just always make the effort with me. I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to understand. I truly am grateful for those that not only put up with me but take the extra step in trying to maintain a relationship regardless of what the circumstances may be. Some people just can't be bothered these days or pretend to get close just because they want something. There's only a handful of you out there whose friendship actually means something to me so I feel so privileged to know you guys will always be there. Many, many thanks! You should know who you are. :)

I do strive to be as independent as possible. Things happen over time to make you realise that just because you have all these people who talk to you doesn't mean that they always care about you. You get to a point where you depend on them so much. When you finally realise them for what and who they are, you immediately try to escape. Then you just feel so alone and lost. I don't know where I'd be without a few special people. Special shout-out to k. nguyen! Even though she doesn't know this blog is here.

I'm eternally in debt to those few people I know that I can always rely on. Thanks so much! ♥

I hope everyone is well! I'll write again soon!

xx.

When your head is in a certain place... Nobody around to make you safe. Stand strong and you will grow. - Wait Til You See My Smile by Alicia Keys

belated taylor swift fever.

VAMOS ESPANA!! :D

Hi everyone!

Yes, as you can tell, I'm extremely happy that Spain won the Cup; they totally deserved it! I was even happier when I heard Thomas Mueller of Germany won Golden Boot and Young Player of the Tournament! Recipients of the awards were most deserving of them. :D And so, my football fever returns to its dormant state till the next World Cup but it really has been an amazing month! :)

Holidays have been a bit different. An aunty from overseas has been staying over and another aunt's kids have been coming over a lot too so it's not the usual quiet break that I'm used to. I had my first quiet day today which was really lovely. My room is looking pretty clean so I'm pretty happy about that too. Cleaning the study is on the agenda for tomorrow. :)

Anyway, I just had the sudden urge to listen to 'You Belong With Me' by Taylor Swift. As much as I believe Taylor Swift to be completely overrated and in much need of a sandwich, this song puts a smile on my face. Yes, I know it's not a happy song but I think it's definitely relatable. There must be so many people out there, girls and guys inclusive, that have gone through that awful period where you know you have absolutely no chance with someone because you're competing with people who look a certain way or are more 'popular'. The scenario always has the same recipe. Let's use the girl formula. Girl meets boy. He's perfect. They have everything in common. She believes that she has a chance. Next thing she knows, he's going out with some other girl who is so much more attractive/cool/popular/rich/etc. than she is. It's the same sort of situation as the Katy Perry song I mentioned a couple of blogs ago. That damned 'sibling' status. I think 90% of girls I know have complained to me about being in this situation.

I think it's so wrong that people think they have to change how they look to bring attention to their personality.

I would elaborate but I'm getting sleepy. Electric blanket awesomeness. :D So I'll leave you with the video of the song along with a few lines of lyrics. Actually, I'll leave most of the lyrics. They tell a great story. :)

I hope everyone is well. :)

xx.








You're on the phone with your girlfriend,
She's upset.
She's going off about something that you said,
'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do.

I'm in the room,
It's a typical Tuesday night,
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like,
She'll never know your story like I do...

But she wears short skirts,
I wear t-shirts,
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers,
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find,
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time...

Walking the streets with you and your worn out jeans,
I can't help thinking, 'This is how it ought to be...'
Laughing on a park bench,
Thinking to myself, 'Hey, isn't this easy?'

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town,
I haven't seen it in awhile since she brought you down,
You say you're fine,
I know you better than that,
Hey, what you doing with a girl like that?

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you,
Been here all along so why can't you see,
You belong with me.
Standing by and waiting at your backdoor,
All this time, how could you not know?
You belong with me.

Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night,
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry,
And I know your favorite songs,
And you tell me about your dreams,
Think I know where you belong...
Think I know it's with me.

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you,
Been here all along so why can't you see,
You belong with me.

Have you ever thought, just maybe,
You belong with me?



You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

won't you get some air in this room?

Hi everyone!

I hope all is well and those of you on break from school are making the most of absent early mornings and late nights studying. I really did think that, because holidays have started, I'd blog much more often but really its sort of been the same. There's been a fair amount of stuff on my mind lately so over the next few days it'll probably all come rolling out on here.

First off, today has been frustrating due to an acquaintance who just can't get the hint that they're the most moody and mentally-straining person I've ever met in my life. I just feel like saying: 'Maybe if you just chill out and stop thinking about things so much then you won't be upset and angry at something every other day. Stop getting angry at people for no reason. It's silly.'

Extremely frustrating.

But do you know what?

I'm very much over chasing the good-opinion of those whose opinion don't amount to much anyway.
If people are nice to me then I'm nice to them. if you're mean to me then don't expect me to be nice to you. I won't necessarily be mean but I definitely won't make too much of an effort with you. Don't talk to me? Then I won't talk to you. Simple, really.



I had dinner the other night with some girls from high school and I couldn't help but observe how people change so easily. Or maybe they were always like that but I couldn't see it. There's only one person from high school that I keep regular contact with and consider still as one of my closest friends. My year12 self would probably be surprised. We were always close but towards the final years there were others that I was much closer to. When I randomly bump into these other girls, it's like they don't want to talk. Personal jokes and memories that we used to laugh about are barely remembered or acknowledged with a less than convincing 'oh yeah... haha...' It's funny how things change. It's funny when you realise who were really your friends and who just went along with it because they happened to be there. I know it's been 18 months but for some reason I struggle to let go. Sentimental much?



On a lighter note, I got a lovely new white bookcase for my room! It's square and made up of 16 smaller squares. I got a red box and small door along with some red drawers to go into a few of the squares. It was a shame that I only bought one box... I realised earlier today that I probably need another two. Sigh. But it looks really nice! I'll have to start cleaning up all my stuff soon... Definitely before I head up to Newcastle.

Spending time with K. Nguyen tomorrow (Wednesday; technically today). Even though I just saw her Monday night. I really don't know what I'd do without her. :)

Yes, I'm writing this post at this completely ridiculous hour because my sleep pattern has been messed up.
Uruguay vs. Netherlands in less than 1.5 hours. It's logical to stay up but then it's not...?
I should really add pictures to my posts... Give a bit more feeling to it. Next time. :)


Anyway, I'll post again very soon!
xx.



Nobody's singing about you anymore. You thought you heard it? Well, you must've heard wrong. - As You Cry by the Hush Sound

Sentimental Heart

Cried all night 'til there was nothing more,

What use am I as a heap on the floor?

Human Devotion but it's just no good,

Taking it hard just like you know I would.

Old habits die hard when you got, when you got a sentimental heart.

Piece of the puzzle, you're my missing part

Oh, what can you do with a sentimental heart?

Sentimental Heart - She & Him

Hi everyone!

I hope all is well even though the sky is gloomy outside. I'm slightly depressed yet amused at the same time... Just passed my Witches subject. I knew I wasn't going to do great on it but I don't know what I could've done to that last essay to make it any better and that just frustrates me. I know I did the best that I could've done at that time but it puzzles me wondering about what I did wrong. Oh well, at least I passed! I'll just have to work on raising my average next semester. Major sigh but :) at the same time.

I've been listening to 'She & Him' non-stop over the last 24 hours. It's really addictive. I've become a softie in my old age. I love the light indie folk sound at the moment. It's almost therapeutic. 'She & Him' is fronted by Zooey Deschanel the actress, who I think is one of the prettiest people in the world. She's just so cute! The music is just the same. Incredibly cute and pretty... I fell asleep to it last night. :D

I've been kept inside all holidays because my small cousins keep coming over. It gets a bit irritating, really. Ahh, great. My cousin's hacking away at my lolly jar for her kids. Her kids, the most hyperactive kids I've ever known. Whoo. =="

Last night I found out that I'm meant to go back to uni on July 26. I'm in Newcastle till the 31st. I swear I read somewhere that I didn't go back till the beginning of August. Sigh.

I feel even more withdrawn now that I'm at home with no uni. Sometimes I don't really feel like talking to anyone and other days I feel like I really need someone to talk to. It gets confusing. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know who I am and that's the biggest problem of all. Am I listening to this music because I actually like it or because people have told me that I should like it? Do I really enjoy reading or have I tricked myself into believing that I do? I don't know anymore.

Yes, this was pessimistic-me writing this post.

I need to buy new shoes.

xx.

One of the boys.

Hi everyone!

I hope everyone is absolutely terrific! Exams are finally over and the sun is shining despite the wind and clouds. Yes, I'm in an optimistic mood today even though I've got an awful thumping headache at the moment. I think my body's been suppressing pain sensors till exams are over because my back, shoulder and neck pain has amplified by 3-fold over the last two days. It's quite painful trying to get out of bed in the morning. This entry will be fairly long because I haven't written anything proper on here for a little while. :)

My current obsession: Katy Perry. I have no idea how it came about but I've been listening to her debut album (which is quite old now but i'm always a bit behind the times) and it's quite good. I know she's been marketed as, well, one of those girls but some of the songs she didn't release are on a very different level from those that she's best known for. I have nothing against 'I Kissed a Girl'. At first I thought, 'society has hit a new low...' but now I kind of feel like it's a good thing for that kind of theme to be exposed. There's nothing wrong with homosexuality or bisexuality and it's being accepted much more freely these days compared to a decade ago. But let's not talk about that now. :)

There are some really good songs on the album, like 'One Of The Boys' and 'Mannequin.' I think I liked the title song because it was something that I could kind of relate to. It's just about how a girl likes a guy but he considers her as one of his guy mates as opposed to a girl. So she decides to become more girly and finds herself at the center of every guys' attention, in which case he'll just have to take a spot in line like everyone else. I can relate to the first part. There's been many a time where I feel like a should just become insanely girly to get the attention of some guy but I could never bring myself to do it. It may be the Disney approach to life but the right person for me should just accept me as I am. Initially anyway. I'm sure we all change a little bit to adapt to the people around us and they do the same for us. I just don't want to become someone I never wanted to be.

I finally managed to watch the entirety of '500 Days of Summer.' It was my third attempt. Yes, I'm awesome, I know. I think you have to be in the right mindset to watch a movie like that. It was just coincidence that some friends of mine have recently come out of relationships and can't seem to let go. I just love Summer's character. Again, probably because I can relate to how she feels. She states her situation in the movie and it was like, summing up how I feel about relationships in a few words:

"I like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and save the serious stuff for later."

Perfect.

It's very true. Or it's true with my perspective. One day, I'll probably find the 'right' person and all this will go out the window but, for now, this is how I feel about it. I don't go around looking for something that might not be there. If it's meant to find me then it will, whether I'm looking for it or not. I refuse to be pressured into it. I'd like to think that one day I'll just wake up and just know. However, life is 90% fate and 10% choice. Fate only takes you a certain distance and you have to do the rest. In a way, your choice is apart of fate so you could argue that life is 100% fate. Choice really could be nothing, you'd never know what could've happened if you had chosen something else because it's really just not possible to know. I think it's a waste to focus so much of your energy chasing this person or that person. There should only be a select few that ever enter your real world.

I've said it in one of my previous blogs. I have no idea what it feels like to really like anyone anymore. I just can't remember. It's been so long. Sure, I'll have random moments every few months where I think that I like someone but I don't. It's very frustrating. Probably more so for the other person because I'll seem really keen one day and wake up completely disinterested the next. People do get hurt and that doesn't make the impulse worth acting upon. Of course, you can't stay guarded forever but I want to be able to carefully choose who I want to play a part in my life. The process is long and painful.

But life really is too short... and if you can't be happy right now, then when can you? Screw all the misery and complication. You generally create it for yourself. Never over-think. Take a moment at a time. Every moment has something to smile about, you just have to open your mind to it. Run wild, be happy, laugh and giggle. Moments of pain are created in your head. If it's created in there, it can be destroyed in there too.

Don't force things to happen. Go with the flow and you'll end up exactly where you're meant to be.

xx.

The first star I see may not be a star. I can't do a thing but wait so let's wait for one more... - For Me This Is Heaven by Jimmy Eat World. One of my all-time favourite songs.