i wasn't supposed to fall for you.

retro jumper

not just because tegan quin is wearing it, but i really want a jumper that looks like this.

it looks wicked amazing. i miss winter over here already and it's not even november yet. :(

how cute would this look paired with skinny jeans and high top sneakers/lace up boots? :)

boom, daboom, boom...

Boy, you got my heartbeat running away... Beating like a drum and it's coming your way. Can't you feel that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom bass?

Shush. I only just discovered this song. Let me have my fun. :)

love letters.

sometimes, i think it'd be really cute if a guy wrote me a love letter. i'd say that'd be a good way to win me over. it's probably the only lovey-dovey path... i dislike the idea of anyone writing me a song or poem. but a letter, i think, would be rather perfect.

i want to see your heart on paper. i want to see what words you use, how you manage the syntax. i want to feel every word like it couldn't be any purer if it came straight from your arteries and veins. it would make me tremble and leave me breathless with my heart pounding in my ears. let it be something that i can revisit endlessly and still feel every syllable of your thoughts. 

write me a letter like that and i will surely fall.

Tell me you love me like you think you want to be loved.

Pull on my hand and say, please just let's make it this way.

- I Bet It Strung, Tegan & Sara

would you stay?

sigh. well, i didn't follow the plan. i was meant to say how i felt on tuesday, but i couldn't do it. it didn't feel like the right time. i really do feel like the feeling is mutual sometimes. it's so strange. but i keep thinking to myself that there is a limit to how hard to can hint and tell someone how you feel without saying anything at all. there have been so many moments during this whole journey where i've wanted to just leave it, but in the end something always made me stay. i wish i knew why.

21.10.11

The mind feels numb.
Paralysed, but crying for something
Like the depth of the ocean
And the sound of waves safely crashing.
Repetition. Repetition.
Security in the simplest of things.
Without it, naked and directionless as
A gush of wind.
So much energy, so little meaning.
Wanting to be more,
Wanting to give more.
If only there were something to be given.
The mind is numb.

- MHD

notes on love.

i found this piece on Facebook. it's by a friend of a friend who i've never met before in my life, that i never knew existed before clicking on the below article. so, Kylie Abena Ngu, I don't know who you are but thanks for writing this. :)

"Love is such a confounder." - Making the Cut, Dr Mohamed Khadra

It is that deep-seated unrelinquishing desire to feel connected to a fellow human being that drives one to empty out everything they have, all the energy, time, faith and trust but most importantly, all the love. You watch in medicine, how a patient puts everything they have into the hands of their doctor, how a parent fears for her child's health, her child's future, how a child aches to her bones because of the strangling uncertainty that floods the lives her parents. You see how a mother tattoos her child's name on her heart and you see how the old frail man gently envelopes his vulnerable wife's hand with his own. And a minute glimpse into what love really is presents itself.

And when you attempt to take this same limitless love and hand it over to someone else, that gut stirring fear never fails to follow. Why would you ever do it? Open yourself up, give someone the key to everything that you are, were and all your dreams of everything that you want to be? Isn't it too much of a risk to share half of everything you are with someone?

Because you think that sharing is doubling the chances of making everything you are better. Just like patients, how can the bone be fixed, how can the cancer be cured and how can the pain be alleviated if you don't share the burden with your doctor.

But what if, unlike the doctor, whoever you decide to share your life with decides to not be there tomorrow? Romantic love, relationships, it's the most unpredictable, most volatile connection between two people. You make yourself vulnerable, you lay yourself out on the racing track and you pray that the other person driving the car stops to get out, lifts you up and puts you in the seat next to him to finish the race, and you pray he doesn't drive around you and pray twice as hard he doesn't drive over you. And what if he does? Or decides to stop as the race nears its end, opens the door to tell you to get out and leave you out in the cold? 

There is no way of knowing, we're only human after all, we're fickle with our emotions. So the least you could do, is right now, empty everything you have to the person sitting in the car next to you, they stopped for you after all. I don't know how many times in a lifetime someone would stop for you, really stop for you, if any at all. So if they stopped for you and you chose to sit in the car with them, please don't look outside the window and forget who's in the car with you. I think it's the most horrible thing. It's synonymous to the doctor walking away from the all-trusting patient without even trying.

In the perfect world, everyone would find that person to sit in the car with until the end of the race and the car is overflowing with happiness and real, down to the septum love for the other person, not temporary attraction (that's always flimsy, easily snatched up by the wind).

Unfortunately, it isn't the perfect world. But without ever taking that leap, taking that risk we would all be driving solo the whole race through.

So if you're sitting next to someone, I wish you down to the septum love. Double happiness.

If you're not ready to stop for somone, maybe one day, there's no rush.

And if you've just been left out in the cold, I pray that someone else stops for you soon. They must just be taking the scenic route.

chapel st sleaziness.

Hi everyone!

I hope you all have been well! :D

I went to a 21st last night. It was of a friend of high school's who I haven't really spoken to very much since school finished, but I appreciated the fact that she invited me and went.  It was quite surprising that no one else from high school was there; even those that replied as attending didn't turn up. I thought that was odd. It was held at this cosy little room/bar on Chapel St. The street that I never knew could be so sleazy. Although, to its defence, I was strangely attired. It was a vintage themed party so I walked into a room of all these elegant people dressed up as Audrey Hepburn and the like. And what did I decide go to as? A pin up girl. Yes, that's right. I chose to go as an old-fashioned slut. It was weird.

xx.

smell

i can smell you on my skin for hours afterwards, even though i only sat next to you.

i'm so confused. sometimes i feel like you're trying to tell me something. but it could all just be in my head... i don't know.

the mere memory of your scent makes my heart beat faster. it's strange how you have that effect on me.

it's what you don't say.

sometimes it's the things you don't say that hurt the most. it's when you don't say hi or ask how i am. it's when you ignore me, little knowing how much i've thought about you for fortnight and had imagined the moment when i'd see you again.  every time you regard me as some insignificant detail in your life, it tears my heart in two. now all i have is scattered pieces of something that used to be precious.

Waiting.

"I have never felt this way. I have never felt this way about a person. But when I see you, when my eyes meet yours, the ocean seems small, the sky seems close, and the universe is no longer infinite. For that moment, it’s just you, me, and the unending yearning that lingers between us. But I will wait for you. I will always wait for you."


- from mols.tumblr.com

'I don't go there anymore, because you're not there.'

when words express exactly how you feel.

it's so weird when you read something that describes so perfectly how you feel. when it says it with greater accuracy than you could ever imagine yourself or anybody else to write. i came across this on a blog and i knew it was one of those moments.

"It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you have known forever don’t see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories, but find yourself moving on."

it's sad that people change. it's a sad thing in itself that i'm saying such.

you grow up with some people and it literally does feel like one day you just... just don't know who they are anymore. you realise that their principles are on a completely different wavelength to your own that it's a wonder how you ever got along so well to begin with. it's a really sad feeling that i find has been happening to me more and more often lately...

you try so hard to cling onto these things you call friendships but at the end of the day you've just become too different. your beliefs are no longer the same. you don't love the same things anymore.

in general, i find it really hard to maintain friendships. i really do. i've never been able to understand how people do it. but i do have maybe a handful of friendships that i try super hard to keep alive. maybe that's why it's so sad when they fall apart. you try to overlook the differences but in the end the differences were just the first words on the last page of the book.

it's hard but i'm sure everyone goes through it. i feel uncomfortable making new friends because i'm scared that it will distance me from all the friends that have stuck beside me all these years... i now realise that maybe you meet new friends because you've evolved. i prefer the term evolved because it implies that whatever you were beforehand is still there, that this is merely an extension of that. the term change implies that you are no longer who you used to be. maybe you have evolved into someone who doesn't get along with those people anymore and these new people understand you better, for now.

maybe i think too much. then again, maybe i don't think enough.

do what you can.

Sometimes people get angry. Sometimes it's your fault and sometimes it's not. But it's not worth your anger, frustration or annoyance. Who needs a life full of that? Just do what you can. Grit your teeth. Take a deep breath. Do what you can. You can never do more than that. Ever.

What has been done has already been done. You can't change it. Don't let it affect you now; it's in the past. Grit your teeth. Take a deep breath. Do what you can.

People get angry because, after all, they are just people. Forgive them. Pity them for they cannot see the need for more happiness in the world that you can. There is always too much anger and tears, and a drastic shortage of smiles and laughter. Focus your energy on the latter. It'll make life better for you and everyone around you.

exhausted.

hello everyone!

i know, it's been a while! i hope everyone is well! :D

i just came back last night from a week in hk with my mum. bought stuff, ate stuff. the usual hk story. found out that seven days with my mum in my face twenty-four hours a day is intense. almost too intense. i'm revelling in the comfort of sweet isolation as i type right now. isolation, i knew i loved you but little did i know to what degree. :)

today i received a message that was a tad annoying. or perhaps frustrating. a friend of mine is dating my cousin. they met independently of me which was weird for me when i found out about it all but i thought, meh. doesn't really concern me. good luck to them, as a friend would say. when i had the whole thing confirmed by her, i told my brothers and my parents, as you do. i'm sure if i started dating someone she'd go and tell her mum. and quite frankly, i wouldn't care. it's the person's family.

 anyways, so yesterday i received a delayed message from my friend (i was on the plane when she sent it). it just asked if my whole family knew about her and her boyfriend. i replied honestly and said that my parents and brothers knew but my family beyond that, i wouldn't have a clue. she replied rather annoyed and said she didn't want people to know about it yet. i found this weird. i mean, it's my family. who on earth would they tell? why would it bother you? i'm about the most private person you can possibly imagine when it comes to this stuff but i would be fine with my friends' families knowing that i was dating someone even if a lot of my friends didn't yet know. it's not like telling people in your circle. family doesn't sit there.

but that wasn't the part of her message that annoyed me. she also said that her mum said there was a picture of her and her boyfriend on a board in my house. now... wtf. seriously. wtf. those three letters never seemed more appropriate to use. why the hell would i have something like that? is it normal for people to keep photos of their friends with their significant others like that? i wrote a rather long reply but, upon re-reading it, i thought i better ask my brother if the words i had used were too harsh. my brother told me not to send it and to rewrite it. he too was annoyed at the accusation. it took me so long to write something that wasn't too serious, but also didn't trivialise what she was saying. it was also extremely hard not to reply and mock her. she hasn't replied.

but why on earth would you think that? does it show that she's very self-centred? that she's paranoid? like, i don't even know what to say. i really don't. it's been bothering me all dayyy...

anyways, just needed to spill. will write again soon! i hope everyone is well! :)

xx

i need something new.

i need something new. i'm sick and tired of this. i don't want change. i just want something new but, at the same time, something i know how to handle. someone throw me a life jacket. i'm drowning.

i don't want to think about you anymore. i hate myself for doing it. i hate the fear that i experience every time i see your name because it might tell me that you already belong to another. i hate that some part of me wants you all to myself while the others argue so strongly against it. i hate that i can't find your equivalent. i hate how you can put a smile on my face by simply putting one on your own.

i just hate all of this.

i don't even know anymore.

i wish i could say that i know exactly what i want, but the truth is that i don't. perhaps i fear knowing that i want something because it would mean that there's something to chase and to lose. something to fail at.

i know i'm a coward; you don't have to know me very long to feel it oozing from me. i don't like the idea of losing. my entire life has been a game that i never participated in. i've stood by the sidelines and watched things being taken away from me, all the while excusing myself by saying that i never tried and, therefore, never lost. the sad reality is that i always lost. i always failed by default. i'm now reaching a point where i'm not sure if i want to continue to do this to myself, but at the same time i fear the consequences of living my life in a manner different from how i've always done it. change has always presented itself as a hefty hurdle for me.

the idea of breaking the cycle and having it work out well is a great temptress, but the more i think about going out on a limb, the more i realise can go wrong. it scares me. i know that it won't kill me but it may take a bite out of me that i'll never get back.

here, here and here.

The time of my life, a record of myself.
An accurate sketch of perfect health.
Roof on my head, shoes on my feet.
Plenty of room, plenty to eat.

Been very far, made lots of friends.
I love my mother, I hope to see her again.
I'm a wanderer now, sorrow befalls me.
I laugh often so I suppose I'm going to be fine.

Mozart, he said there's nothing to composing.
That's all we do,
We just write and play and write and play and write and...

Here, here and here.
He pointed to his heart and mind and ears.
He said here, here and here.
He pointed to his heart and mind and ears.

- Here, Here and Here; Meg and Dia

against my better judgement.

i'm desperately hanging on. clinging on.

i feel like i'm being dragged through mud, heart and soul, hoping that you'll turn around and see me, but you don't even take a glance. yet here i am. still clutching at what could've been, at what could still be.

if only you could see me.

i wish...

... you had a higher regard for me.

fudge.

and here i do not mean the delicious edible fudge. i mean the fudge that is used as a substitute for a cussin' word.

had a rather long chat with my brother last night and now i feel like an idiot. how long am i going to continue to like this guy for before i feel like i have to say something? am i so foolish as to wait till he has some other girl on his arm? i'm so angry with myself right now.

someone be my knightley!

just finished watching the 2009 BBC version of Emma. how i wish there's a mr knightley out there for me!

instead, the guy i like is out at a dinner that i refused to attend and now i'm moping about at home on my own. i'm sure that my heart shall break at the sight of some girl on his arm that is not me but, alas, i have done nothing to prevent such a thing from happening. all my misery is my own creation and i shall have to face the consequences. unfortunate indeed!

junk of the heart

junk of the heart is junk of my mind.
so hard to leave you all alone.
we get so drunk that we can hardly see,
what use is that to you or me?

see, i notice that nothing makes you shatter.
you're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart.
but are you mine?

i want to make you happy.
i want to make you feel alive.
let me make you happy.

sometimes

Hey all!

I just came back from a rather enjoyable weekend at Mt. Hotham snowboarding, which means I'm pretty sore... haha! It was a great w/e though. Spent it with some good friends and made some new ones. It was pretty much sleep, board, drink, sleep, board, home. I can actually board okay now! :D

I unfortunately came home to a considerably grumpy mum. Don't know why she's so angry... She is still angry this morning. Sigh. Don't know if it's something I did or not... Makes it kind of hard for me to be at home all day today...

Sometimes you just feel really alone.

xx.

dammit.

ah, blink 182. up all night is so very awesome. i had the guitar riff in my head alll morning... :D

anyways, nothing special to update you guys with today... although i have been finding the former alternative all pretty again because he's starting to bulk up. yes, i'm fickle like that.

i hope you're all well! xx

emotionless?

okay. so today i received what should have been an alarming text message from darling nicholas. it informed me that he had in his view my interest. my interest and a girl from class. my interest and a girl from class eating crepes together. my interest and a girl feeding each other crepes looking 'coupley'.

now, i should've felt really upset. really. i genuinely thought that i liked this guy heaps. like, a lot. so now i'm wondering why i kind of didn't feel anything at all. if anything i was more shocked that this girl was so off my radar that i hadn't even considered her to be a threat of any sort. nerdy-looking and overweight sort of girl. he always gave the impression that he had quite high standards when it came to physical appearances but there you go...

so, i'm concerned for myself. why don't i feel anything? here are the possible answers:

- could nicholas have exaggerated the scene? : maybe there's a part of me that is thinking that nick has exaggerated what he saw and that they were just eating together in a friendly way... hrmm.
- she's not right for him? : maybe i just can't digest that he's with that girl in particular. i've spent time in their company before and i never detected any symptoms of partiality between them. not that i've really even seen them together. i mean, if you're in a relationship, shouldn't you be trying to see the other person fairly often? hrmm.
- he never said anything? : i joke to him all the time about relationships. why hasn't he bothered to say that he has a girlfriend all this time? maybe they're not a couple? hrmm.
- i don't believe it? : maybe i won't believe it till i see it with my own eyes or hear him say it himself.
- maybe i just never really attached myself? : as much as i like/liked him, maybe i don't feel anything because i didn't actually actively pursue him in any way. i hadn't officially made a conquest of him. so i don't really care? hrmm.
- maybe God just didn't give me the ability to attach myself to others.

but yeah. i don't know. even i think it's weird that i don't feel anything. i just don't know.

SEE? during these last few hours, when it really should have hit home, it hasn't. i'm not even upset or anything about him. i'm actually preoccupied thinking about why i don't feel anything rather than be concerned about the situation that has actually occurred.

I'M SUCH A WEIRDO.

seeing.

i thought spending a day without seeing you would be a good thing. so i skipped the class that we have together. i avoided places that you might be. all the while looking over my shoulder in the hope that i would bump into you.

someone else sat where you usually sit today. someone else sat through my whinging, complaining and odd behaviour. they sat with me where we usually sit and for a similar duration of time. it made things so much clearer.

he wasn't you. he didn't make me smile and laugh like you do. he didn't have that positive energy.

it made me miss you, even though we don't even spend that much time together.

i don't care that i'm digging my own grave when it comes to you. i'm in so deep, i can't even remember where i came from.

i wish you knew.

actually, i just wish for the strength to be able to hope that you could possibly feel the same about me.

frustration.

so i know my motto has always been to just 'go with the flow' and 'what will happen will happen' but sometimes you just can't help but have that total lapse in mindset and think 'Why can't this go my way?'

it's annoying and confusing and a world of pointless thinking. i don't even know what i want.

smile.

I know when you have your break on Tuesdays. It's the same as mine. I've spent the last two weeks in your company during that time. But I've had the feeling lately that I'm bothering you. I'm annoying you. So today, I stayed away. I wondered whether I would cross your mind at all.

I went to class typically late. I sat with my friend. I could see you. But I didn't dare message you. I wanted you to relish in your time without me. When class finished, I planned on walking out without saying hello because I wasn't sure whether you'd want to talk to me. We accidentally made eye-contact and I couldn't help but say hi. It's courtesy, right? I walked out with my friend. I stood and chatted with her so that I wouldn't have to say bye to you as you walked out. But you stood and waited for me.

So I walked with you and your friend. You asked where I was going. I had no idea but I told you I had an hour to kill. We then took a detour to the library that had just opened. You asked if I wanted to stay and study there. I was rather confused. We walked out and said bye to your friend. 

So, on the day that I had planned to stay out of your way, I ended up spending an hour with only you anyway. Just like every other Tuesday. 

One thing did bother me. I was reading through the notes you took from today's class when you suddenly tried to grab the book from me, saying that there were things in there that I wasn't allowed to read. Notes between you and your friend. I can't help but think that it's something not nice about me.

You told me that I smile too much. I wonder if you've ever thought about whether I smile that much around people who aren't you.

let's take this back a step.

i think that's exactly what i need to do. i think i've confirmed to myself that i do like this guy. i don't know if it's enough to overcome the little things but for now, let's say it is.

now, how do i make it so that i don't come across as a super hyperactive freak? hmm.

in the last few days i feel like i've made progress. but maybe i haven't. i don't know.

i just have to take a step back. and breathe.

breathe and relax.

relax.

pictures of gifts. belated now, obviously.

here are the pictures of my presents that i promised i would upload... a month ago. ><"

Yoshi slippers and Super Mario chess set from Triet and Bao

Yummy hot chocolate mix from Maria

Nail Polish from Vickie Wong

Necklace and fish book from Kathleen and Lyn

Tony Bianco clutch and movie ticket from Fee Song

Photo frame, perfume and bag from Roger Ho

Book and wand from Clairey

Books from Justin

Book book cover for my macbook pro from Anh Quan and Carminia

Wallet from Anh Xu, Anh Bi, Jen, Martin and Darryn

Jumper and baret from Nick and Gabbi

Perfume and wand/pen from Anna

Thermos and book from Stacey

UFC gloves from Kimmy

I forgot to take a picture of the Daria set Chris got me. =="

woopsie daisies!

sorry i've been away for so long!! so much went on during the break that i just never got much of a chance to sit down and write... i ended up going on a roadtrip to sydney to visit my cousin, then stayed with my brother in newcastle for a fortnight!

i'm now back at uni... and just not in study mode at all. so i'm hating all my subjects two days in. it's so bad. ><"

in regards to certain other long-standing issues in my life... i'm just going let it be. i've decided that i'd value the alternative so much more as a friend. he means a lot to me as he is and i wouldn't want to change that. lord knows he already has to put up with my constant whinging... bless him! it's friendly love! :D

as to the one i always considered the main... sometimes i just wish i could get over it. but then he's just so nice that it makes it so hard. he was messaging me today... i'm in way over my head with this. i guess the real drawback when considering him is that (this is going to sound so SO stupid) but he's almost just too social? being the hermity, borderline people-disliker that i am, it makes him the opposite of me. i only have 3 hours of class with him per week this sem as opposed to last sem where it was 8 hours a week. when i see him, it's like... !!! i've said before, he's not good looking nor does he even try to be so by dressing well, there's nothing special about his personality, but something is just... right. i don't know what it is. there's just a weird charisma about him. hmmm. SIGH. the more i write, the bigger the hole i'm digging for myself. :(

decisions, decisions.

okay, so remember ages ago when i mentioned i had a main and an alternative? well, they're sort of on par with each other these days. why? well, i was slightly intoxicated on my birthday and the alternative was really sweet and looked after me and stuff, and i can't just disregard all that. since that night, i can't stop thinking about him. i was wholly convinced that i was over the main. then he fb messaged me yesterday, asking why i kept quickly going online then offline because it was annoying him that every time he tried talking to me i'd go offline. i thought that was really sweet. then we messaged back and forth for a while, and now i think about him a lot too! :(

the behavior of both can be simply attributed to the fact that they're both just really nice guys... but then there's always that girly part of me that says: 'hey, both these guys are really smart and clever... it seems unlikely that they would say/do things without thinking about what their actions are implying.'

now i don't know what to do. i feel so noob.

i'll put photos from my 21st up soon, along with pictures of presents and stuff so that they can all be immortalized on the internet! :D

sorry for the lack of posts (alternatively, the few shoddy posts) that i've written lately. i promise i'll be back to form soon.

xx.

see yourself through my eyes.

you're perfect.

except for the fact that you don't fall for girls like me.

becoming real.

i just rewatched the film 'Up In The Air.' i first watched it a couple of weeks ago in my post-semester boredom and found that a lot of its themes struck me quite strongly, being the introverted person that i am. if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend it; george clooney and anna kendrick give terrific performances. but what i'm most interested in are the messages portrayed. i'm not going to elaborate on this though because that's boring. :)


anyone who knows me well will probably know that i don't believe that much in relationships. i suppose, more correctly, i don't believe that i should depend so heavily on being in one. some people just get so hooked on it, you know? it wasn't till i viewed this film for a second time that something one of the characters said clicked with me: i don't hate people, i just don't like the idea of them tying me down. i guess i had a mini-epiphany over that. i'm not against relationships, i'm all for it. it's just going to take the right person to convince me that they're a good enough reason for me to settle.


the film is apparently heavily tied in with a children's book called 'The Velveteen Rabbit.' i grew up in a very asian family and so i didn't read a whole lot of Western style bedtime stories but this is supposed to be quite a good one. i quickly googled and looked it up on wikipedia. if you haven't read the book, i suggest you do the same. i hope i can come across it one day now because i'd really love to read it. :)


this particular line was quoted in a short analysis i read and i just felt like it held so much meaning that i had to post it somewhere incase i ever forgot about it (even though this post will be copied over to my blogger anyways). it is something that is said to the velveteen rabbit when he is searching for ways to become 'real' instead of just being a toy:


"Real isn't how you are made . . . It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real. It takes a long time. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


just food for thought. :)

catch up post!

hi everyone!

first of all, my apologies for not posting in a while... exams finished so i found myself spending less and less time in front of a computer. it was a nice change. plus my 21st was close, i was recovering from mild gastro and having to entertain my brother's kids while they were in town. so i thought i'd throw together this catch up post to make some sort of amends.

on second thought, i'm really sleepy. i'll write it for y'all tomorrow. :)

goodnight!

360.

they say that doors sometimes have to close for new ones to be opened. i know a door recently closed for me, but i didn't realise that an old one would reopen.


i feel like i've come a long way only to find myself back where i began. maybe it's a sign. only time will tell.


praying for some idea of what i should do now. something. anything.


please.

worst time to feel sick EVER.

so i had my politics exam yesterday. unfortunately i woke up feeling really sick but went to the exam anyways. i honestly cannot remember a word of what i wrote, so it probably wasn't very good. fingers crossed that i'll still pass but i really don't know...

my sickness has carried onto today. which is really quite terrible because my biotech exam is tomorrow and quite frankly, i've done next to nothing in terms of preparation for it. so i don't know what to do.

i guess i can apply for special consideration... :(

oh, did i mention my birthday's next week? it's crept up on me so sneakily!

i can't stop my mind from drifting and thinking about him sometimes. although i'll admit that it's much less now than what it was during semester. so much for 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' i wish i had the courage just to say what's on my mind to him...

i hope you're all well (unlike me). xx.

lipsyncing.

so, i have my politics exam tomorrow. and i've just spent the last two hours lipsyncing to random songs on my itunes. FML.

cramming for politics.

hey everyone,

it's 3:10am and i'm sitting here trying to cram for my politics exam on wednesday. thankfully we only have to write on two topics, so i only need to study three of them (three just to be safe). praying that i'll know enough to write a couple of decent essays. i'm currently regretting not putting more work into the subject throughout semester because i know i would've enjoyed it immensely. but i had a terribly messed up semester due to the gamsat and all, so i guess it was unavoidable. i'll be free after friday is over and i can't wait. my biotech exam will hopefully not be too bad... i'm sitting on an average of 70% which is nice to know, considering i was on pretty much 50% for pharm theory prior to the exam. terrible, i know!

but yes, i just thought i'd write a quick post so you all know what i'm up to. argh, i have no idea what sort of essays they want for this silly exam... they were so vague about it! i miss mps from last year... *frown*

oh, if anyone gets the chance, they should watch the commencement speech that conan o-brien did recently. it's really quite good.

alas, my leg has fallen asleep. =.="

i hope everyone is well! xx

have a lovely day!

so sometimes people give me weird looks when i try to be friendly to people working in retail. for example, when i buy something, i always try to wish the person behind the counter a lovely day.

i do this not because i'm crazy or trying to come across as cute, but because i work in retail myself and i really like it when people say things like that to me. it gets really boring and dull after a few hours of work, serving people who think you're some sort of automaton. they often don't say thank you or ask how you are. whenever i do get someone who asks me how i am, says thank you with my name (i wear a name badge) or wishes me a good day or weekend, it always cheers me up a bit.

so whenever i shop or buy something to eat, i try to remember to do these little things. it doesn't take very much effort. and if the people are like me, they'll get a bit of joy out of it. :)

xx

i guess you'll never know.

i found the courage to approach you for a hug today. it wasn't even a proper hug. i was juggling so many things that it ended up as a semi-hug. either way, you were soft and warm. i told you that you smelt really good. i wasn't lying.

then the moment was rather destroyed by the pretty girl in our class, who swung her arms around your neck and gave you the hug that i should've. i turned my face and walked away. you see, it's quite funny. that's usually my role. i restrain myself around you because i don't want to look like a fool. when you started talking to her, i left you alone and walked off to my seat. i'm polite like that.

i felt happy at first because i thought you might've been happy to see me. i felt annoyed at the girl for stealing seconds away from time i would've spent with you. i didn't care that it probably would've only been another 20 or so. she ruined the moment.

but then i realised something. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry about it. i realised that i probably ruined your moment with her. she's really pretty. extraordinarily so, in fact. you saw her and were walking towards her, when you were interrupted by me calling your name. you probably didn't want that hug from me, you were looking forward to the one she was going to give you. but no, i had to choose that moment. you were probably cursing me in your head, wondering how this would affect your chances with the pretty girl. it all makes so much sense now.

after the exam, you didn't even speak to me even though we walked together in the same group. i can excuse you for that, i was walking with my friend and i'm sure we were chatting away. but then i saw her again. you two walked out of the building together. guess it didn't matter what happened to me, just another person in the crowd to you.

i don't know what to say now. it'd be a lie to say that i didn't think this was going to happen. you were always too good for me. i've done nothing in my life to deserve you.

i don't hate you. i don't harbour bad feelings against you despite the way i'm feeling now. my eyes watered up while writing this post. can you believe that? i have never cried over a guy before, much less a guy that didn't even do any thing to consciously hurt me. i guess that's just how much i like you.

here's the sad thing: i'm probably going to still like you, even though my chances are slim at very best. i'll hold it all in, cross my fingers and hope for what seems impossible.

i'm not going to see you for a month and a half now. that's a long time. a long time in which many things can happen.

i really like you. i really do. it's been a very long time since i've felt this determined and attached to someone. it's been so long that i didn't think myself capable of it anymore. that the feeling had died within me during those darker days i used to have. you came along and made me smile. you made me believe that there are people in world who are good, who deserve to be treated well and don't just drag everyone around them down. you gave me a glimpse of the optimistic version of myself that i thought had been dragged through dirt and lost by people who weren't very nice. i think i'm starting to find her again.

i know that i don't look like a supermodel. i know i'm rounder than i should be, that i don't dress up or wear a face of makeup. i don't make my hair look nice everyday. i can't compete with girls who look perfect. God didn't give me any of that. but he did give me the will to love unconditionally those that i feel are deserving of my affection. he gave me the ability to put on a smile and make the people around me laugh regardless of how broken and upset i feel inside. i'd like to think those qualities should be of greater value than being able to look amazing in a short skirt.

you're a real diamond. it's a shame that i can't find the courage to let you know.

i wish i could give you up but i know i can't. i know i'm going to lose and that it's going to be a blow to my dignity, but i think i'm going to choose to go down fighting. it's not over till it's over.

one down...

... and three to go.

today's exam was okay. i wouldn't go so far as saying i totally blitzed it but in all honesty i don't think i could've done anything more. so that set me in a rather good mood for the remainder of the day. :D

had a crepe afterwards with tom, nick, dave, horton and georgia... well sort of. we kind of all went there together, bought crepes then nick left shortly before tom and myself. spent some time with tom. love that kid.

it was funny because i while i was walking with him, i thought i'd just let him i know about the person i sort of like at the moment (the person hasn't changed). and it was so anti-climatic because he's like: 'yeah. i already know.'

m: 'what! did nick tell you?'
t: 'no.'
m: 'well, how on earth do you know!?'
t: 'i can just tell.'
m: 'what do you mean you can just tell!?'
t: 'i dunno! i could just tell.'
m: 'omfg. do i make myself that obvious?' *expression of shock and horror*
t: 'no. i think i've just known you too long and i can tell when you like someone. i know what your mannerisms become like.'

i found that interesting... after i found it horrifying, obviously. i really hope i'm not too obvious in my attachment... that would be so devastating. especially when i'm pretty sure the feelings aren't mutual. he looked a bit weathered out today, but seemed as sweet as ever. :)

i'm currently meant to be studying for my exam tomorrow morning, but i don't think that it's really possible to study for it. so i don't know what i'm going to do... hopefully it's not too bad.

sometimes all you can do is hope.

i hope every one is well! xx

some sort of relief.

remember that day i had a while ago, where i was simply freaking out? where i left an assignment till last minute to do? then broke down into utter despair because i felt so ashamed of what i had submitted?

well, results came back.

i honestly didn't want to look at it. i was 100% sure that i had gotten 10/25 at very most.

i didn't even end up looking at it.

my friend texted me my result. =="

i got 18/25. i was pretty ecstatic about that. :D

a little bit of pressure is lifted from biotech at least... :)

doomed. once again.

i always say to myself during every single swotvac period that i will never leave all my studying to do at the last minute ever again. then i find myself doing the exact same thing six months on. SIGH.

currently freaking out about my pharm exam on thursday. if the questions are fairly broad then i'll be fine, but if they ask for specifics then i have no idea what i'll do... :(

i hate uni.

end rant.

time bomb.

Got my heart in your hands, like a time bomb ticking.
It goes off, we start again.
When it breaks, we'll fix it.


It was like a time bomb set into motion,
We knew that we were destined to explode,
And if I had to pull you out of the wreckage,
You know I'm never going to let you let me go.

Time Bomb - All Time Low

*cue new wave of obsession over Alex Gaskarth*

xx

le destin se

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou...

Quelqu'un M'a Dit - Carla Bruni

study distractions.

it has always been unfortunate that my birthday falls pretty much during the exam period. always.

it is a significant problem this year in particular. while i'm meant to be studying for my ever close exams, i find myself organising my 21st instead. oops.

this could be a problem...

silly

“Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.” — Rose Franken

perfect?

i know i always come across as a total relationship skeptic but the fact is that i just haven't found the right person. i want someone i can look up to. i want someone who inspires me to be a better version of myself through their own example. whether or not this is what i need, i don't know. but i think it's what i want.

you don't need to be fabulously good-looking. you don't need to be rich. you don't need to be smart. you just need to be perfect. perfect for me.

i think this song below is important. i want someone who makes me feel this way about them, but at the same time, i want them to feel the same way about me.

people who stop caring.

i think i've written about this before but do you know who i dislike? people who stop talking to you because they find out that you're not interested in them as more than a friend. like, really! just because i don't think you're the love of my life doesn't mean i don't enjoy talking to you. and just because i don't see you as my future husband doesn't mean that you just stop talking to me. makes me feel pretty worthless when people do that. it's like, they talked to me because they wanted something from me rather than just enjoying my company. 

that's annoys me. 

end rant.

xx.

against the world.

you know how sometimes you get the feeling that the world is trying to tell you that you're going down the wrong pathway? yeah. i guess that's how i'm feeling at the moment.

i like trusting the flow of life. it's always led me to the right place. i know most people will say that you have to pave your own pathways and make your own dreams, don't let yourself get lost in the current of life's river but i guess i think differently. while i think it is important to have goals and aims, i also think that when you push a little too hard against the flow of the world, it often just causes more complications for you. i don't cruise through life. i work hard when i have to and relax when i don't. life manages to always gently paddle me down a good lane.

at the moment i feel like i'm trying to move against it. and it's really uncomfortable. i feel the most content when i don't drown myself in self-invented problems and worries. i guess i had forgotten that. of late, i've let many things get in the way of my living in a content state. i'm stressing about the wrong things and it's causing me to feel unnecessary frustration. i need to reassess my thinking and behaviour.

life isn't about pining over things you can't have. it's about being grateful for what is already in front of you and making the best out of what the world has given you. what you have is quite often in excess of what you need.

i have to get my head thinking straight again...

rude people.

you know how sometimes you just meet people in life who are incredibly rude? i hate that. i kind of feel like asking them if their parents ever taught them any manners at all. how have they gotten this far in life with such behaviour?

waiting for it to pass.

and i'm sure these feelings will... i just hope they don't take too much longer...

moment of freaking out...

... when you load your LMS page and it looks like this:

and says that you are not enrolled in any subjects. :|

refreshing solved the problem. huzzah! :D

hanging on a moment with you.

here's what has been happening:

1. i've been sick for the last 3 days: feeling heaps better today; almost 100%. stomach's still giving me a bit of grief. had to skip my practical class on thursday... which reminds me that i need to go get a medical certificate... :S

2. roger ho's 21st tonight: hopefully i'll feel well enough to go. i really hope i can... i've been looking forward to it heaps!!

3. the wrong person appears to like me? : sighhh. oh man. that was a bad day. i'll elaborate below.

4. the right person appears to like someone else: SIGHHH. shall also elaborate below.


okay. so thursday was the beginning of a bad few days.
i wake up in the morning with complete body aches and pains. didn't know if i should go into uni, but figured that i had to because i had a practical class. my brother ended up driving me in, so i got to uni at 9:00am even though i didn't actually have a class till 11:00am. i went to the bailieu and basically slept at a desk in the hopes of feeling better. unfortunately, by the time 11:00am came along, i did not feel any better at all. either way, i dragged myself to class.

when i got to the lecture theatre, i was still 15 minutes early so i sat outside. i figured that it would be better for me to sit outside to get a bit more air as opposed to inside the theatre because it often gets pretty stuffy. so as i was waiting outside when ## comes along. we get along really well and chat on fb and stuff. he recently split with his gf and has been upset about it and all, so he talks to me about it sometimes. my brother had already warned me about being too nice to ##, just incase i ended up as the rebound. this worried me considerably for a while, but then i realised that i had explicitly told him that i like caucasian guys so i felt pretty safe. oh, did i mention he's really good friends with **? ** being the person i'm rather interested in... that i've been blogging about for a month. :P

anyways, so i'm sitting outside and ## comes along. so we're all like hey, how are you, rah rah rah... and i tell him that i'm feeling pretty sick and not sure i can go to prac and stuff, and i'm also just sitting outside because the air's a bit clearer. i was also waiting for nick. and he's all like, 'yeah that's cool, i usually wait out here for ** anyways.' so we're just chattin' then nick comes. so even though i felt super sick, i can't help but be excited when i see nick because it's really quite rare that i do get to see him now. so i get up and start moving towards the lecture theatre with nick and ## comes along with us and he's like: 'where do you wanna sit?' i guess i was somewhat surprised that he wanted to come sit with me and it was even worse that the usual row that he and ** occupy was already taken. so he follows nick and i all the way to the back of the theatre. pretty silly of him, because i don't think nick nor i planned on actually doing any work. so anyways, we're sitting there and then ** comes in, and instead of occupying the seat next to nick, he chooses to sit in the row in front of us. so i give him mock annoyance just for fun. anyways, the lecture starts and really, nick and i just talk through the whole thing because we had a lot of gamsat-related things to talk about. ** threatened to cut my tongue out at one stage. found that quite funny for some reason.

so nick and i are sitting there chatting away, and every now and then ## nudges me to say something. so i'm kind of sitting behind ** and i notice him pull his phone out. he writes a text and then closes his phone. ## then receives a text. i randomly just happened to look over when ## reads the text, and it says 'she's diggin' ya, you're in.' ## then looked up and obviously saw that i saw the text. i hope i had an expression of great discomfort on my face. SO THAT WAS THAT. AWKWARD. i left at the end of the lecture feeling pretty down that ** thought i liked ## when i really liked **.

so i then went to the biomed library with both of them and the others in my group to finish our assignment. it is so hard to sit next to ** for a whole hour. he smells good. LOL. i can't help it!!

anyways, so i went home after that and skipped prac. i was just feeling too ill. konked out for 24 hours.

friday night. logged onto facebook. **'s status is about how he thinks that he's finally met the one. my heart broke. :(

and that was my disastrous few days. it doesn't actually look that bad in writing... :)

i was surprised that i wasn't more hurt. saying that my heart broke is probably an exaggeration. i was definitely disappointed, but it wasn't quite so bad as i thought it would be. my girly instincts tell me that there's a one in a billion chance that he could be talking about me, but even i'm not silly enough to wholeheartedly believe that.

so yeah. i think i'll have a few drinks tonight. my stomach has definitely settled over the last couple of hours... :)

sigh. he's so perfect. i hope the girl's worth it.

feeling like my body is about to fall apart...

... i feel really sick right now.

all my muscles are just achinggg... and i feel really light-headed. unfortunate that i have a 4 hour practical class today. i need to see if i can get out of it for medical reasons... i feel really sick. i'm really tired. the last few nights i haven't been able to sleep properly and that has probably contributed as well.

omgosh... i don't know how i'm going to last 3 hours let alone 8 today. ><"

it would be so much easier...

... if i didn't like you so much. :(

"bread makes you fat?!"

haha, i just really love that quote from scott pilgrim. :D

sorry i've been absent for the last few days... blogger has been having some technical problems so i haven't been able to write anything.

nothing much has been happening. i still think the dude is wonderful. not quite too sure if i'm making any progress at all but hey, i'm trying! i think. well, i ammm... but at the same time i don't want to seem too eager and have him rebuke me. ><" we have however exchanged phone numbers, even though it was for academic purposes. and we chat on fb. have i progressed? i think so. or my girly needy sides are making me believe that i have made progress. sighh. but that's okay. i don't know if i want a relationship at the moment anyway, so even if he did happen to return by affections, i don't really know what i'd do.

my friend was moody yesterday and that made me a bit upset. i understand that in life, sometimes you have really bad days where everything just goes wrong. but i don't think that you can use such an excuse to justify bad behaviour towards your friends. they have done nothing wrong. there's no need to throw a fit at someone who hasn't done anything wrong. i just think that's really rude and inconsiderate.

that was my little vent there! :)

anyways, exams are getting freakishly close. this also means that the amount of blogging i do will also increase due to procrastination. sigh. i need the vce/gamsat me back! the motivated me! where did she go!? come baaack...! D:

anyways, i'll post again soon! xx.

i usually don't do this but...

this song deserves its own post. this song is ridiculously AMAZING.

LL#4

'I drive around the block and I'm not looking to my right, I feel the glass against my cheek and I can't see you in the light.'


Burn Your Life Down - Tegan and Sara

total turn off.

i'll never quite understand why some people find it so hilarious to talk about 'fucking', 'penises', 'vaginas' and other sex related topics. i personally find it quite repulsive. i just simply don't understand.

i can tolerate and occasionally even laugh at small amounts. but do people think it's 'cool' to talk so crudely about it? i don't have anything against being open about sexuality but in a world where conversation topics are a plenty, why does this one keep coming up? it's not even really a topic. it comes across to me personally as quite vulgar.

maybe i just live in a naive world. actually, no. i live in a mature world. i guess i'm ahead of my time?

i just like my guys nice and sweet. i don't want them to talk about that junk. just like how i don't like guys that swear a lot. there are very many words in the english language that can be employed in place of words such as 'fuck.' that's kind of the only word i don't like to say. i also dislike saying 'shit'. 'crap' is okay with me for some reason. haha! they can swear but it's unnecessary to do so in every sentence. or saying it for the sake of saying it. there's nothing 'cool' about doing that.

why do so few people see this?

two good examples of people who go about this in a way i find appropriate and balance it so well that it becomes funny are nick and justin.

nick talks 'dirty' all the time. but he manages to do it in a way that is absolutely hilarious and doesn't overstep any boundaries. it's often the way he says things rather than what he says that makes him as funny as he is.
justin doesn't exactly go about it the same way. he'll just randomly refer to bodily parts and make it work with the conversation. he just throws it in there in a very casual and cool way that doesn't give offence. i think it's quite a skill.

sigh. two boys that i just love because they're quite perfect just the way they are. (L)

if only they knew how much they each mean to me. i wouldn't hesitate to go to the ends of the world for either of them.

sighh.

he's cuuute.

on the night my blog was down...

i had to resort to xanga instead. enjoy!s

why facebook stalking is bad for you

my blogspot is currently down!! whyyy... of all nights in the time continuum, why tonight? i need to spill and now i don't have anywhere to do it. :(

i really should learn my lesson. but i sadly don't. i know i'm making this sound like it's about something really massive, but i'm probably just exaggerating. haaa. 

facebook stalking is much too easy to do. too convenient. too simple. too accessible.

so when i find myself, how can i say... 'attracted' to someone, it's only natural that i stalk them. facebook style.

and of course, this has many pros. you find out things about them that make you like them even more. you stalk out their hobbies and interests. you check their photos and it gives you some indication of what sort of person they are. it often makes you like the person even more than before, despite them having not said an extra word to you.

then there are times when you realise that facebook stalking is the worst thing you can really do to yourself. really. you build up this image of the person, first of all, in your head that they may or may not actually be. who knows? secondly, you start becoming obsessed with who they talk to. any vague hints of their interest in a person other than yourself sends you spiralling down into the depths of self-produced depression. your world starts to crumble. suddenly you find yourself in bed, in the foetal position on the verge of tears, wondering where it all went horribly wrong. all in the space of a few hours... and the other person has no idea what a crime they have just committed. a crime that you declare you will never forgive them for and that from this moment on, you will stop thinking about them. all this pain and misery... and really, the other person doesn't even know what they've done. if they've actually done anything at all.

sometimes what you want is different from what you get.

and sometimes you just have to accept it.

i want to be the only person this guy wants to talk to. i really do. i don't know what on earth we'd talk about, but i just want him all to myself. no one else. just me.

but sometimes, life doesn't give you what you want. for one reason or another, it doesn't. and there's always a reason. most experiences are learning ones and i try not to forget that.

i think i may have come across as simply too intense for him. which is a shame because i'm not always so loud. i'm actually quiet most of the time. i wish he could see me the way that i see him. or maybe i'm just not what he's looking for. that's quite sad in itself.

i guess there's nothing to do but to go with the flow...

worst. day. ever.

You know how sometimes you just have days so terribly bad that it makes you question if any good will ever come ever again? I had one of those days today.

It was my own fault for leaving my assignment till so late. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I always have this -14% motivation problem during the first half of the year. ALWAYS. even during high school. But this was just... bad. Like, really bad. I guess it has been a terrible mix of sem1 depression and post-gamsat burnt out. I was frantically beginning the assignment at 11:00pm last night. I stayed up til 4:30am. Then it took me the rest of today to put together this worse-than-mediocre assignment. Even when I finished it, I couldn't even print it because the computers at uni are so bad! So I'm running around campus before finally pleading with the man at the front desk to help me. My assignment was so terrible! I'm ashamed to know that I had anything to do with it at all. :(

I just don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. This is so un-me. How do I become me again? I wish someone could tell me... There's just no motivation anymore. Just none at all. I can imagine it'll be even worse when I get my gamsat result. :(

I need to find the motivation again. I had fabulous mo last semester! I wonder where it all went...?

I just feel really angry at myself. So very very amgry.

LL#3

'I think I found a flower in a field of weeds. Searching until my hands bleed. This flower don't belong to me.'

Surrender - Billy Talent

how am i still awake?!

it's 3:47am!

i'm never EVER going to leave an assignment undone til so late EVER AGAINNN! D:

well, i know now what i like in guys...

SIGH. this dude is going to drive me insaaane! wish he wasn't so awesome. shall i list the attributes? despite the risk of him coming across it...? sure.

funny smart cute-in-a-daggy-way academically focused (is that a good thing?) does martial arts (say wah?) speaks chinese (i mean really, that's crazy! he's white!) dances (wtf?!) taught himself how to play piano (W.T.F?!) knows about kiddie stuff (i.e. disney, pokemon, etc; it is next to impossible to find a guy like that!) volunteers (first guy since mn that i've found...) sweet towards his siblings (important for some reason) wicked sense of humour. oh, and he's growing a beard of sorts... it's a sad but universally acknowledged fact that i love guys with a bit of stubble. i guess it's because they look more manly with it? his is nice and even too! (y)

i really should stop talking to him... but it's hard to believe that he'd have anything else to add to this list.

GAHHH! i haven't felt this obsessed about anyone for a while. it is indeed reminiscent of early mn stages. of all the guys that i believed myself to have 'liked' since mn, there were only ever some parts of them that i truly did. with this guy, i feel like there's nothing to not admire? it's crazyy! as i said, no one since mn has managed to make me feel this way.

it's a shame he doesn't seem all that interested... he did however sit next to me in a lecture today, which was a first.

did i mention that he smells nice? that's always super important. :)

i hope he hugs nice too.

so, does this make me...

...like you more or less? i spent most of today with you. i wish i could say that i received some sort of encouragement but i'm not quite sure that i did...

the more i learn about this guy, the more i think he's absolutely amazing.

frick.

what do i do!?

sick with curiosity...

... as to, when you're online at the same time as me, who it is you are chatting with. because it's clearly not me. :(

another day has gone...

...and i still haven't started writing up my biotech assignment! it's due on friday!! :(

i caught up with the alternative today. it's strange that the more time i spend with them, the less they seem like the 'alternative'. they make the main one seem less... main. i don't know. i'm very confused at the moment. but it's not like i have to make a decision, right? everything is still in its early stages and it's not like i would jump into deep waters if one of them happened to turn my way. i never have been a person to take risks.

only had two hours of uni today. but i'll have a total of 4 hours with the 'main' tomorrow. sigh.

you have no idea...

...how much i don't want to feel this way.

he seems so very out of reach. why do i persist in these strange feelings? it hurts to see that he just doesn't feel the same way. not even a little bit.

i wish i could pull myself out of this. i know i said that i missed feeling vulnerable, but sometimes the things you miss don't live up to what you remember them to be.

stop being so likeable. i wish you weren't so tall, confident, funny, witty and smart... i wish you didn't read so much and love music with such ardour... i wish you didn't show such goodwill towards other people and sweetness towards your siblings... i wish you never quoted from children's books and never revealed to me that you watch disney cartoons... because it would be a whole lot easier to stop thinking about you like there's any possibility that something could ever happen between us.

it would've made you seem less like what i've always wanted.

we'd look so wrong together, the epitome of an odd couple, but i can't help it...

i guess you're my unicorn.

and why it hurts so much that you don't see me the same way.

100th post! WOW!

i can't believe i'm at my hundredth post! that's rather exciting!! :D i guess all i can say is that i just really love having a small space in this world where i can write freely about how i'm feeling and that someone else might just maybe get something out of it too. :)

drainer of my life.

hi everyone!

i thought i'd just post a short one in lieu of my absence. currently sitting in a pharm lecture that is absolutely pointless with a capital P. i don't even know why i'm here. :(

i just had a week off uni and i have no idea where it went. i just simply accomplished nothing. i feel really terrible about it because my friends seem to have gotten a lot done...

on sunday, nsyag held our first big event which was quite successful. there were some frustrating times but in the end everything worked out well and we had a nice turnout. it was followed by a rather epic BBQ. the downside of this was that i missed JKs 21st... i genuinely felt horrible about it. i pretty much missed his 19th (actually, i literally dropped by for 5 minutes because i was with mn as well as others). what made this worse was that he actually had to drive out to nl on a day he wasn't working to give me the invite. so i planned on being in attendance even if it was late. but then i messaged him (past 9pm) and it didn't really sound like he was keen on me coming so late. sighhh. i just hope he's not upset at me. :(

post again soon! xx

things i've learnt recently:
- i really dig guys that read literature.
- one of gsp's main bjj coaches is a professor in ophthamology. who would've thought? :)

LL#2

"The only way I'd learn to love is if I found it on my own."


Life of Leaving Home - Yellowcard

i'll be fine without you.

and it clicks. it shouldn't matter whether or not this guy gives me attention. i'm going to be fine without it and life will continue as it always has.

it is currently 7:32pm. i'm still at the bailieu. will be here til 10-11pm - ish. surprisingly getting a bit done. 2 pharm lectures down, i want to get through 1 more. they take simply forever to go through! it takes me close to two hours to get through one 1 hour lecture... at least i'm understanding more of it now. :)

starting to get hungry. which is slightly worrying because i don't think anything at uni is open at this hour. :S

i'll just have to bite my lip and deal with it. THAT'S RIGHT. i'm building a tough skin! or trying to anyways. haha...

YOU WANNA PLAY THIS GAME!? BRING IT ON!

edit (7:45pm) : omgosh. he reads. he READS! it's like someone is purposely making this hard for me to let go... :(

loaded lyric #1

And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart... I'm hopelessly hopeful you're just hopeless enough... 


I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Up - Fall Out Boy (2006)

one song.

about a girl. can't breathe when i'm around her.

i had forgotten how much i enjoy listening to the academy is... :)

currently at uni, even though i'm on break. i thought i'd try to study up here instead...? maybe it'll be more effective? *COUGH*

i plan to be sitting here till 7:45pm. 

there's a dodgy looking asian man sitting a few carrells down from me... he's just got a camera out and he's taking photos of pages from books. TRES DODGY.

mid sem break fun?!

oh yeah. this looks like it's gonna be fabulous fun...

xx.

somebody please stop me.

please stop me from obsessing over this. i hate myself for doing it. it makes my behaviour so irratic...!

he's so clearly not interested.

happy easter! :D

it's easter sunday. i hope everyone is having a wonderful long weekend full of love and happiness! :)

i just started my mid-sem break. i should really be studying. but i'm facebook stalking instead. i guess it's proof that you like someone when you get jealous of fb posts they send to other girls. and you get all suspicious when they send a lot to one particular person... and the messages could possibly be interpreted in lovey-dovey ways. yet here i sit. futile and resigned. concluding that maybe he just doesn't like asian girls. or maybe there's something about me that places me in the 'unlikable' category. but that's okay. there's plenty of fish in the sea. plus if something did happen and it ended badly, prac classes could end up extremely awkward.

that's what i tell myself anyway.

i know i said i was over it. but clearly not.

actually i really did think i was over it. then he randomly opened a fb chat box with me yesterday. and made me laugh my head off. i wish all guys were like that. i can see why he'd be popular... from a personality point of view anyhow. he's physically not amazing. pretty average. could afford to lose a tiny bit of weight. but hey, not everyone can look like gsp. he can look quite cute sometimes. and it's those moments that make me all fuzzy inside. add that to some wit that he spins out everyone and then, and i'm lost for words.

but i don't think it'll happen. i guess we'll wait and see what happens. i don't wanna spoil it. i guess winning him in the end doesn't even matter. i miss this feeling. the feeling of wanting to have someone all to yourself. i haven't had it in years and years. sometimes i try to deceive myself and pretend its happening when it really isn't. i guess i just miss those days as a 16 year old where the feeling would come and go so often. it just doesn't come along too often these days.

i also, however, do not wish to invent things in my head. i hope it doesn't blind me to his indifference. i don't want to create 'signs' or whatever from him when they're not really there. i think it's a common trap that girls will fall into. he can be so cute sometimes though...

i suppose i consciously try to restrict myself from talking to him too often. firstly because i don't want to appear too eager. and secondly, i guess its because i don't want to spoil this picture that i've drawn of him in my head.

i just realised what i'm writing and started laughing.

i've just written this post about an almost complete stranger. someone who probably doesn't even bother to think about me in their spare time. it's funny like that, isn't it?

i fail at my own degree.

hey everyone!

i got my results from my mid semester exam for pharmacology theory. saying that i 'failed miserably' is probably an understatement. oh well, there's nothing i can do about it now so i'll just have to somehow make up for it in my end of year exam. sigh.

the dude seems like a bit of a snob. the more i talk to him, the more i kind of dislike him. put i have prac tomorrow so i'll update how i feel about it then.

currently writing my essay that's due tomorrow!

reading, reading and more reading!

12.25am: i really have to stop looking up journal articles for this essay. i started at 3, then went to 8, then 10 and finally added one more to make it 11. it's been a long few days of reading. going to plan my essay now and hopefully write a chunk of it tonight. i will go to bed at 2.30am if i can manage to stay up til then.

fb chattin'

he's so not interested.

or it could be my dodgy fb chat on safari? no. no excuses.

moving on it is! :)

update: i think i'm gonna jump off a bridge now. that was just so damn awkward! ><"

paper and orange highlighter.

can't get through reading all these papers! it's just so much! and i have an inkling that they're unrelated to the paper that i need to write... :S

the plan is to finish reading today and then plan and write most of the essay today... fingers crossed!!

dude put a cute quote from a rihanna song as his status. cuteness.


i shall keep you all updated with my essay progress later on today. :)

weather is simply gorgeous today, i hope all you melbournians are out there enjoying it!

xx

i can and i will!

really must start my essay today, even if its just reading and researching. i've already left it till very late... ><"

I CAN AND I WILL! :D

work was quiet, so mum let me go home early. YAY! :)

oh, and did i mention...

i had boost juice today. in the first time in like, ages. it was... so... good. :)

why

I wonder why you make me smile.

We share but few words in the space of hours.

I caught you staring last time.

Instead of diverting your eyes and blushing,

You smiled and said, 'Carry on. Don't mind me.'

That in itself made me think if I had ever met anyone like you before.

arghhh. i need to get out more. this dude has my thoughts all wrapped up. i'm checking my facebook every 20 minutes like some 14 year old girl hoping to have a message from him. he probably doesn't even think of me as anything more than that little asian girl from class. i don't even feel like i really like him that much. well it's different from every other time i've ever experienced. it's a settled and humming feeling, rather than a really sharp and overpowering one. maybe this is what its meant to feel like, seeing as though the outcomes of the other type were always quite terrible.

SIGH.

i wish i wasn't so naive and tactless. considering i'm a girl, i completely suck at being one.

procrastination skills, LEVEL UP!

i'm supposed to be writing an essay but my procrastination skills have gotten just so damn good that i've wasted half a day doing random things, like wash my work shirts and watch youtube videos. =="

my essay topic is:

 Is the ‘rule and exemption’ approach to issues of cultural diversity a means of making liberalism and multiculturalism compatible?


It's an interesting topic and I guess I'm split on it. It's hard to apply liberalist values and encourage individualism while trying to treat everyone equally. Rule and exemption. The more I think about it, the more confused I get about my own opinion. To treat a person as an individual is to allow freedom of expression, whatever that expression may be. Rules are then set up to limit this freedom from harming other people. Regulations are made that should really apply to everyone. But some groups claim exemption based on cultural grounds and society often allows this. The group becomes exempt from the rule that everyone else abides by and this creates an uneven playing field. We can only be equal as individuals if the rules that we abide by are all the same. So, I guess my contention is that the rule and exemption theory doesn't really work if its aim is to make liberalism and multiculturalism compatible... I need to read more about it before I make up my mind. :S


I hope everyone is well! I'm trying to blog more often, as you can tell. :)


updations: i think he's a serial flirt artist. :/

updations!

he's cute. but not as cute as he seemed the other day for some reason. facebook add has been done. comfortably commenting back and forth. very much distracted from researching my essay. it's dark outside. i'm scared to walk to the tram stop...

xx

comforting

there's something wonderfully comforting about the sound of the heating system coming on while i sit at my desk in the study with my vintage yellow desk lamp turned on and wearing my pink jumper. i don't know why but it makes me feel so incredibly safe and snug.

i guess i've spent so many cold days/evenings/nights like this that it's become a comfort zone for me. :)